.let go.

I had the most beautiful dream last night, I was swimming in deep blue ocean waters. The water was calm and I was far out from shore. I would feel nervous and then reminded myself in that moment to just let go and relax - enjoy the peace - allow the salty waters to hold me up. 

I found this quote in an old notebook yesterday, "Try to do everything in the world with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." Achaean Chah

I'm almost all packed up at my place. I don't usually stay any one place too long but I've been living in this house for over a year and a half! I'm moving out this weekend and I think it might feel strange to not sleep in this room - not in a way that I'll miss it but in the comfort of being able to bike home with my eyes closed, a feeling I haven't had in a long time. When transitions come I get nervous right before the movement happens - that last minute doubt - hold on to something feeling. I'm moving out and going to be nomadic again for another 6 or so weeks. I'm ready to live somewhere but also, I need to remind myself that I know how to do this - how to float and live out of a backpack - find inspiration in the lightness. To take this open door and embrace it knowing that I'm moving towards something I've never had before, a rootedness but for the next little bit I'm open and free! To make having fun a priority - to let go a lot or completely.

What is this summer bring for you?

.day 56.

I arrived in Tavira this afternoon, half asleep and feeling nostalgic to be back in my little town for  my last 48 hours after a wonderful 4 days traveling around with friends.  Being away and coming back I could really feel the energy and rhythm of this place. it's waking up from winter. The streets are filling with people, stores are opening after a winter break, the cafes are full and the sun is strong. 

I'm grateful to know this place - to feel settled into this little town but sad to leave. I'll miss this place, a lot. I'll miss the nature, the bike rides, my home, the rooftop at sunset and under the stars, the afternoon walks, the cafes, the slow chats with new friends and reflections on train windows. It's hard for me to let go of rich moments like these but I guess it's also what gives them their sweetness.

So much left to know - see - explore - LEARN about Portugal. I think I'll be back, these's something special, magical here. But for now I'm going to soak up every last moment and remember to say thank you for everything that I feel sad to leave. 

.old stories.

What happens when you realize that the story you've been telling yourself for so long isn't true - that you've been telling it all wrong? What if we can only truly find our greatest freedom deep down in the darkness of loss?

I've felt abandoned in many ways but when I step back for the bigger picture - an authentic picture - I can see/know that I had to be abandoned to be able to get here. 

I would've never found my self - 

my fulfillment - 
my truths sitting there. 

I chase the light and watch my reflection change, 
that's where I find my self - 
my fulfillment - 
my greatest (most honest) truths. 

It's taken me years to see the immense beauty of my journey and I think I'm only beginning to grasp it. A month from today it will be 2016. A month from today I will be embarking on a new adventure. I ready to tell a new story.

Are you telling old stories that no longer serve you? What will your new story be?

.unlearning reactions.

Do you ever mistake something for something else?

The cellular memory we hold in our bodies from old patterns (reactions) is SO deep and SO real. These feelings started to creep into my body yesterday - a numbness washed over me and an uneasiness settled into my stomach. I wasn't sure where it came from or why it was here. I called my Mom trying to get out all the words - the words laying in a mountainous pile deep inside of me - picking them up off the floor of my pelvis bowl (energy center). I was hoping that she could help me organize my words (thoughts) to ultimately reveal the truth underneath - the cause of it. I took a walk in the cold dark night, zig-zagging the streets releasing the words into the autumn air. The release helped me to find a pattern in my thoughts and words but it wasn't until I woke up this morning that I found the root. 

I have vivid dreams. I've always had revealing dreams. I rely on them to guide me to the truth that my conscious mind finds hard to trust. Last night I was greeted with an old wound in my dream. It was so real. I was there. I was processing all the emotions - without restraints - the root of yesterdays numbness and unease. 

The cellular memory of elements/patterns in my life aligned so closely with that old wound I over-imposed the memory with the moment. 

Our bodies are brilliant scientists that can be either lazy or self-protecting depending on how you look at it. My body was feeling/experiencing elements associated with an old reaction so much so it made the assumption that it was the old pattern again. My body started to activate that old cellular memory - but I am not me that first experienced that wound. How can I react the same way to a different situation as a different person? 

Have you felt this before? How do we unlearn old reactions? I think for me the dream was the first step - the process of acknowledging. 

Love to you and your journey of evolving awareness.

.change is in the air.

The eclipse was magical - surreal. The days leading up to last night felt heavy and emotional - blurred around the edges. I had to work last night so I kept taking breaks to run out into the middle of Cambridge street to look at the moon over the brick buildings of Inman Square. It felt like a dream, people at work started sharing in rare authentic ways about lost loves and heartache and dreams. They would find me throughout the night and start unfolding details. I felt like I was observing something from a distance. It wasn't until after work when I rode to a park, a park I'm very connected to. I laid on a hillside and watched the eclipse in the silence and bright golden street lights and then I really felt the weight of the moment. I felt grateful for the moment, I felt anxious for winter, I acknowledge the energies I've been allowing in the past few months, I thought about relationships dynamics in my life, I asked myself real questions. I felt like I was being told/urged to let go - let go of something. I'm not sure of what just yet.

I woke up this morning still feeling my unsettled energies - change is in the air. I don't feel my roots right now. I will, but I need more time to process - explore - feel. I went on a long walk today around Cambridge and got lost the ivy brick walls of Harvard. Life is a beautiful process.

Did you feel it? Are you feeling it? What did the eclipse bring up for you? Are you still processing it? Are you making changes? Did you start to see something new in your reflection??

.trust yourself.

Today I went to the beach. I'm starting to feel anxious about the end of summer - about not being able to ride my bike/take the train or drive a car to the ocean and submerge myself in it's peace - purifying my mind/spirit from everything. 

I spent the day soaking up the delicious sunrise and diving into the sea, floating with my arms and legs stretched out in an X -
trusting in letting go -
to remember to trust -
to try to trust and be supported -
allowing the salty sea to hold me up.

While I was floating I kept hearing "listen to your heart" 
turn down that volume outside -
listen to your heart/rhythm/desires - 
TRUST YOURSELF.

I hope you're trying to float (let go) in your own way and I hope you find the  love and support when you do. 

.full moon truths.

Finding my rhythm today.

This full moon revealed somethings I need to let go of - a reality I haven't wanted to acknowledge. Then the summer sun woke me up this morning - blinding me with newness.

Life always gives me what I need - if I open myself to it!!

.mi fuerza.

Saturday I was first up to "catch" at the clinic. I ended up having two back to back long labor sits. The first one was 12 hours long and when she reached our time limit (state laws and midwifery practices don't agree or make sense most of the time!) we had to transfer her care to the hospital it was awkward - sad - frustration - isolating. But since I didn't "catch" I was back up again and at 12:50am another third time Mama came and things looked to be going quickly but the third baby is always a wild card. She was also a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) which meant I had to check fetal heart tones every 15 mins. And after 6 hours and 24 rounds and no sleep she requested to be transferred to the hospital because she had been in labor for 3 days and she was tired (and in need of family support that wasn't there).

It was my longest shift - emotionally and physically. I came home and drank a big mug of calming skullcap tea and slept for a few hours. 

It's always a strange feeling - a day after shift - an incomparable haze that comes over you. You have to move your body no matter how tired you are - the key to success. So Bianchi and I headed out to explore a bike trail on the westside. 

The sun was setting and there was even a few trees changing colors - an almost fall evening. It was beautiful and cleared my mind. I was thinking about the day - the night - the shift and realized through these uncomfortable - unsure - cumbersome - clumsy moment that I'm slowly realizing all my abilities.

In the weakest of moments is when I only begin to find my strength.

estoy encontrando mi fuerza.

and once again remember that it is the fragility of life that makes it all that more beautiful.

.24.

i'm saying goodbye - letting go - leaving space for what's to come.
because so much is coming.

------------------------------

tomorrow is my first 24-hour shift at the birth center.
i'm nervous, confused, and excited.
what's to come?

so much.

Fluidity of Gender

I attended a lecture by the artist Linda Stein last night. She introduced herself as a female, lesbian, new yorker, feminist, artist, activist, jewish, swimmer...the attributes continue. She encouraged us to think about how we would define ourselves? 

Have you ever defined yourself? 

I did years ago in a college course but I didn't really meditate much on it. I think I'm ready to think about it again - I think I need to think about it again. I was inspired by Linda's personal stories, stories of what her norms looked and felt like being a teen in the early 60's. A memorable moment was going out to dinner with a plumber. She knew to ask a lot of questions and talk little about herself, "When did you decided to be a plumber? What a dream! How exciting to solve problems with faucets and toilets all day" were some of convo you would've overheard during this date. She knew this wasn't her authentic self and went on to decided that she didn't want to date a plumber or a man. She LET GO. She also shared that was a good athlete growing up but realized at around 10 that she wasn't suppose to be good, the boys win. So she just stopped playing or playing good anyway. Not until she was  in her 30's playing tennis with an esteemed artist friend of hers did she (after a lot of self-pep talking) play her best and win 6-Love. She said she was afraid that she would lose a friend if she played well, but instead she LET GO. 

Have you ever denied your authentic self for an expectation? 

I have. I didn't apply myself. I denied my feelings. I lost the game. I waited around for a phone call. I decided that someones else validation (or lack of) was going to determine my day - my value - my choices. But we have to FEEL all of this in order to LET IT GO. And we can find that strength to LET GO by witnessing what beautiful things Linda has birthed from this letting go.

It reminds me of a quote I read this morning in my meditation book, "Try to do everything in the world with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." 

Achaan Chah.

Linda's installment was a collection of shields or "knights" as she referred to them. Androgynous body like forms that were comprised of wonder woman comic strips that said "CAUTION: Feminist it's time for you to break through the glass ceiling!" or black leather suits made of sandals, designer purses, jewels, swiss watches, etc. The pieces affected me in different ways: a soft encouragement, a firm motivation, or powerful strength from a distance.

Her lecture and art affected me. Linda's passion and words affected. My Sister and I talked about it the whole way home. I kept thinking about it when I got home. I'm writing about it this morning. It's a fire in my mind.

The power of an idea - a passion - of art - a purpose can set fire.

It makes me wonder what kind of fires am I setting or if i am setting any at all?

is this fluidity? ha ha.

.weekendy.

It’s the weekend. With the recent passing of the President here things are somber. We are awaiting the arrival of the body from South Africa. There been a dancing ban placed until the burial of his Excellency. Err. WHAT? What is a girl to do for the weekend?? I guess it’s another action packed weekend of cooking and endless rounds of “uno” with my boys.

Everything is interconnected. Being here it’s a humbling reminder each and every day that 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. For a double fire sign (Solar – Aries/ Lunar – Leo…if you’re into that) this is the toughest lesson to learn. Honestly, I’m relearning it each day. Fresh and new, knocked down, and scolded when I try ONCE again to make a plan.

Last weekend I planned a BIG “Wear your Astrological Sign” (ok I’m not super into this stuff, but it’s a good conversation piece and it’s a fun theme. I’m not changing my name to moon child anytime soon…). I was so excited I painted watercolor backdrops for an impromptu photo booth, wrote fortunes, planned the menu, made a new playlist…and then the President died. Peace Corps issued that we stay in-site and refrain from travel, in case there was any sort of reaction. What? My plan was knocked down in a matter of minutes. I had been planning this for weeks, looking forward to showing off the pioneer mansion and sharing delicious Mexican eats with friends. I was super bummed. “Nothing ever works out here” might’ve been one of the aggravating thoughts floating through my mind. But as constant as variables are in my life, it always works out. It wasn’t a big party, but it was just what it was suppose to be. I shared the night with 4 great volunteer friends and 2 guys that I work with. It turned into a wild night of dancing, eats, and endless photo booth. And I remembered, 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. Dang it! It’s another friendly reminder from the Uni-verse. I get it. I get it. It’s just going to take a while for me to relearn this truth.

Much love to you always.

.striving for presence.

Someone hit me today, more shoved. I’m fine, it wasn’t forceful. Although, I’m having a hard time working through the many feelings you process when someone violates you and your space. I’m a reactor so I usually start yelling – then the anger starts building and mounding inside of me till I can’t contain it. Every after the moment has past it takes me time to wind down from all the energy I’ve created. Then I replay the situation inside my head and analyze. Let it go. But it’ll come back again, I’ll replay it and the anger will come again. It’s 9pm and I’m still angry about it.
================
I went into to Liwonde (20 min minibus ride) for a meeting with the District Hospital Management team to present my work plan. I arrived at 9:30am for our 10am meeting. I met with my Counterpart and at 10:30am we found out the management team was in a budgeting meeting with Auditors (you didn’t know this yesterday when you confirmed?? Hmmm.) so we waited, and waited until 1pm. Then finally my Counterpart realized that this wasn’t going to happen so we rescheduled for tomorrow.
I met up with Kate (another Peace Corps Volunteer and my old roommate) for lunch. Nsima and beans, the usual Malawian eats.

Then we strolled through the used clothing market (to make up for the lack of productivity in my work life! Ha!) and I found a fabulous dress for my upcoming birthday party for only $1!! We said goodbye and I headed towards the bus depot (It’s fairly easy to get a ride from Machinga to Liwonde from another District Assembly member but almost always have to ride a minibus back to Machinga.).


I walked to the road to wait for a minibus that was actually leaving. You have to be careful because bus attendants will ask you where you are going and then take you to their bus that’s almost always empty which means you’ll be waiting for at least 30 minutes for them to fill the bus. No thanks! So I was standing there waiting on the road and two buses pull up. Of course I’m swarmed by guys trying to get me to ride their bus. For some reason everyone seem way more aggressive today, the first guy told me the bus ride was going to be 300 kwacha which is double the rate (150kw) so I said no way!! I live in Machinga and know the rates, it’s 150. He was nice and offered me a great deal of 250kw. No! Then the other guys come up and when I told them I wouldn’t pay 300 (these guys see me several times a week I’m not sure how they think that I don’t know the real rates, but you never know! ). So I said no thanks, I’ll wait. Of out of nowhere this guy two guys back from me reaches over and shoves my head for who knows what reason. I was shocked. Did he really touch me? (Note: Malawians are very non-confrontational people!!) But he TOTALLY shoved me. I’m in shock and look around to gauge others reactions and nothing. Everyone is still trying to get me on their bus for 300kw. What? A guy (he was drunk but that’s not really the issue here) shoves a woman! A visitor to Malawi! and NO ONE, no bus attendants, no one at the nearby store, no one on the bus has flinched or said anything. This all slowly absorbing into the numbness of shock and I react. I start yelling (Hello you can call me the ugly American today!! Ekk!!) and walk away. No one does anything when I yell except try to get me on their bus and to buy a fried ball of dough. WHAT???? I was so irate I was shaking at this point (disclaimer: it’s been a long week thus far. I had been asked for money who knows how many times BY adults and all my meetings had been postponed so I was already well into a subconscious pity party…). I walked around the block not sure what to do. I had to get back to Machinga and I had to take a bus because no one was driving by…so I wait a few minutes and found a minibus that ended up charging me 200kw.
===========================
It frightens me that I have that kind of anger inside of me. I had a lot of anger in Ecuador, quick flashed of unexpected anger flooding my body. Not understanding where it comes from makes it hard to prevent this flash flood. Meditating on it today I realized that I keep telling myself to be present, but being present isn’t floating from moment to moment. It’s truly being OF the moment. I’m stuffing my mouth with food so hurried for the next bite/to finish/next best thing I’m forgetting to chew-taste-swallow.


It’s easy to be present when you’re running.


This moment, this anger is a mirror to myself, a mirror exposing my need to ground-root-connect myself to the moment, to life, the uncomfortable.

.facing our fears and finding truth in the moment.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek". - Joseph Campbell

What do you fear? I fear so many things, commitment, vulnerability, judgment, …I won’t bore you with the novel. I was reading a recent daily love talking about the power found in facing, acknowledging, naming our fears. It asked how can we imagine our potential when our view is cluttered with fear?

----------------------------------------------------

My Mother raised me with sweet loving words. She told me from a young age of the care and pride that filled her body while she carried me. Birthing me naturally, welcoming me into this world with love and confidence in her body.

But as a young girl I frequently watched “A Baby Story” on TLC (what a TV choice, right?). I was frightened (to say the least) but enthralled, I knew of my birth story (a real story) and held it near my heart but was somehow capsized by the “truths” of these women’s stories. Honestly, I remember being 13 unable to change the (horrible) channel while FREAKING OUT I would be THAT woman some day. Strapped down, distraught, screaming (is she possessed????). Hoping by the time I was to have children science would “outsmart” the body. That’s almost 15 years ago but the fear was real. It took me years to see the beauty in pregnancy. The first birth I attended was so overwhelming I almost had to leave the room.

Birth – labor – life is powerful, demanding, raw, unknown any and all of these attributes can be felt as fearful.

Our words of it’s fine, I’ll deal with it when it comes, what if - are all fanning the flames of fear, quietly building inside of us. This quote really connected me to my early formed memories of birth, “these old thoughts and ideas (fears) are energy in our lives that rob us of the moment” this is telling me that without presence I can’t progress – I’m static. “When we can begin to trust our perception of the truth in the moment. There is a power in the process, an unfettering of the mind and spirit” Slowing letting go of my thoughts and ideas (fears/A Baby Story flashbacks) I stayed in that room watching Sarahi’s body shift and push her little boy into this world. She wasn’t strapped down, she didn’t even scream, but she fought, she needed love, encouragement, and together we greeted Joshua in this world. I had to let go of my formulated version of “truth” which allowed me to see the beauty in the moment, the truth of the moment.

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As of late:

I fear commitment/decisions. Decisions to me mean missing out on something else, so I don’t like to commit/decide until I have to.

This week I was allowing myself to get eaten up by a decision. Not a monumental decision, but a decision nonetheless. I let it chew on me until I was drained and weak. With encouragement and trust I realized that there was no right or wrong, but an answer. My answer.

By facing my fear I found a truth and power in the process.