.happy mamas day.

So grateful for all the amazing women in my life who have loved, supported and inspired me to be the best me! For all the women that continue to show and encourage me to chose ME - to risk safe choices for wild choices! For all the women who remind me to say YES to abundant thinking!!

So much love to my Mama who has always loved me just as I am, a wild - nomadic - passionate woman! Who helped me listen to my heart and follow this unencumbered journey!!

my mama and me in my wonder woman underoos. 

Life is fascinating and mighty - vibrant yet intricate and delicate.

Loss (birth) has become a REAL element of my life - a conscious element of my life - something I look at head on - breathe into - let mold me into a more empathetic vulnerable me.

We all experience loss (birth) on a daily basis in many forms - the loss of a loved one to a simple expectation. To all of you (us) I hold that space of love, patience, time and send you a wave of healing because with each loss there is renewal (birth).

-----------------------

I'm moving across the country and I'm moving forward to life that lives in Birth (loss). My world will soon revolve and exist on this entrance and exit. WOW. Who will this make me? What will my baseline thoughts be? How will I interact with the rest of the world? The middle (messy) parts?

As I get ready to go I begin to accept/face the loss of a soon to be former me/rejoice in the birth of the new self.

I hold on. It's beautiful.



Love to all the beautiful people who rise to meet the road, who realize we can't change life but we can change our reactions.

love love love.

Fluidity of Gender

I attended a lecture by the artist Linda Stein last night. She introduced herself as a female, lesbian, new yorker, feminist, artist, activist, jewish, swimmer...the attributes continue. She encouraged us to think about how we would define ourselves? 

Have you ever defined yourself? 

I did years ago in a college course but I didn't really meditate much on it. I think I'm ready to think about it again - I think I need to think about it again. I was inspired by Linda's personal stories, stories of what her norms looked and felt like being a teen in the early 60's. A memorable moment was going out to dinner with a plumber. She knew to ask a lot of questions and talk little about herself, "When did you decided to be a plumber? What a dream! How exciting to solve problems with faucets and toilets all day" were some of convo you would've overheard during this date. She knew this wasn't her authentic self and went on to decided that she didn't want to date a plumber or a man. She LET GO. She also shared that was a good athlete growing up but realized at around 10 that she wasn't suppose to be good, the boys win. So she just stopped playing or playing good anyway. Not until she was  in her 30's playing tennis with an esteemed artist friend of hers did she (after a lot of self-pep talking) play her best and win 6-Love. She said she was afraid that she would lose a friend if she played well, but instead she LET GO. 

Have you ever denied your authentic self for an expectation? 

I have. I didn't apply myself. I denied my feelings. I lost the game. I waited around for a phone call. I decided that someones else validation (or lack of) was going to determine my day - my value - my choices. But we have to FEEL all of this in order to LET IT GO. And we can find that strength to LET GO by witnessing what beautiful things Linda has birthed from this letting go.

It reminds me of a quote I read this morning in my meditation book, "Try to do everything in the world with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." 

Achaan Chah.

Linda's installment was a collection of shields or "knights" as she referred to them. Androgynous body like forms that were comprised of wonder woman comic strips that said "CAUTION: Feminist it's time for you to break through the glass ceiling!" or black leather suits made of sandals, designer purses, jewels, swiss watches, etc. The pieces affected me in different ways: a soft encouragement, a firm motivation, or powerful strength from a distance.

Her lecture and art affected me. Linda's passion and words affected. My Sister and I talked about it the whole way home. I kept thinking about it when I got home. I'm writing about it this morning. It's a fire in my mind.

The power of an idea - a passion - of art - a purpose can set fire.

It makes me wonder what kind of fires am I setting or if i am setting any at all?

is this fluidity? ha ha.

.how to say goodbye.

Our lives (or mine anyway) has always been focused on the new, the birth, the start, the meeting. We are taught how to make new friends at school. Taught how to start the new year right. Taught how to involve yourself in the right things. There is even some emphasis on how to maintain - with you reach the difficult stage - the midway hump - the post-honeymoon. But who teaches us to say goodbye. In (my experience in) America we don't like to admit we ever have to say goodbye. We agonized about a trips' end, we make catch phrases like "this isn't goodbye it's just see you later", we prolong something (even dull or terrible) to prevent the EVEN worse reality of it ENDING, we whisper about death and hide it from ourselves.

Sometimes some of us don't even start in fear of the end.

So, how do we say goodbye? Do we just sit down on the unknown mountain side for a sign or better yet wait for someone to tell us its time. The truth is that just as we can't stop the earth for orbiting - death comes on its own time with its own agenda.

My Nana, Ruby Jean was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. It was a fairly rapid decline and during this time I was living 3 hours away and then 36 hours (of flight) away. I love her and have always felt close to her and knew that when the time was right I would be there (physically) with her but that she would be proud that I was traveling and working (although not the nurse that she told people I was going to grow up to be). A few years ago in one of her "typical" Nana letters with her hard to read cursive handwriting, she wrote for half a page about the weather and then a family update and then at the very end snuck in the sentence "you will have a gem in your crown for all the work you are doing down there (Ecuador)."

I believe that we love others by loving and honoring ourselves.

So I knew I had to go to Malawi despite this diagnosis but when I reached the 8th month I just had a feeling that it was time to go home and be with her. I left my job 1 month early. I felt guilty - I had made a promise to the position and I failed to keep it. I didn't know how to say goodbye yet I knew that it was time to leave. I didn't trust my intuition but despite this my emotions said to pack up. I arrived home to find my Nana in a completely different mental state. It was just the right time to come home.

The brain is amazing, beautiful and confusing.

That first month I got home I had a handful of really great moments of being with Nana. I like to call them windows, windows of clarity. My Mom and I had spent the day with Nana and helping around the house, we were just about ready to leave for the day and I was in the back bedroom putting the sheets on the bed and Nana came in from outside. I was trying to quickly make the bed because she no longer remember how to do those things, but this time she walked right up to the bed and started telling me just how to do it (Nana is very particular with household duties). We finished and she looked at me right in the eyes, started to cry and said, "Alicia I wish you didn't have to take care of me like this" and then hugged me so tight - in one of those hugs that would change the world even if just for a day if she only could. It was such a tender moment one I will always hold dear to my heart. That is when I started learning to say goodbye, in that very private moment between my Nana and I. In order to truly love and honor her presence in my life I had to start the journey of her leaving my life.

I learned to say goodbye by intentionally being present in the moment (isn't that is all we will ever have), finding the beauty in the ugly and the peace in the chaos, finding the lesson in the pain and the teacher in the enemy.

These past 5 months have been more intense than 2 years in Ecuador or 1 year in Malawi because it wasn't a beginning (I know how to start) - it was the ending. It was saying goodbye to something I have always known, a staple in my life, a strength that I didn't realize I was leaning on. It was the start to letting life - moments - truth - lessons wash over me like a salty ocean wave while not letting it knock me over and not getting out of the water but feeling the wave and then letting another wash over me and another - smoothing my rough edges with every surge wearing down my shield to a sweet vulnerability until it's my time to say goodbye to this world.

There is such immense beauty in the goodbye.

.i just need to BE.

The full moon shown so bright last night. Illuminating the land like a spotlight from above once a month just to check on us. To make sure we are all right. To make sure we are still making it.

We are making it. Some of us are sprinting, some of us are pacing with a marathon endurance, some of us are walking, and some of us are taking little steps BUT we are moving as we can, in our own way.

Life is precious.

Much like the spotlight of the full moon i've been blessed with these rare moments of raw clarity that show me a heart - a mind - a soul. Have you ever experienced this? It comes in the most mundane moments something demands your attention and you SEE it.

The layers of male, middle aged, Malawian, few resources, poor hygiene, married, father, frustrated, hungry, in need of new shoes - becomes just another human being - making it - moving as only he knows how - falling and rising - hoping - looking for happiness.

Sometimes these sweet moments can almost touch another one and others seem miles and days apart, but cherished just the same.

Malawi scares me because it's exposed me and made me vulnerable in ways like never before. Tasting the fragility of life pushing me to realize all we have is NOW and I just need to BE.



p.s. I'm really going to miss these market days...I found a new (orphan annie-esk) RED dress and this vintage bedspread/tablecloth...whatever it is. I LIKE it.

.commitment.

photo taken by caitlyn bradburn.

No matter how far I go, how high the mountains I climb, or how much I open my heart it seems that when commitment (to a decision) comes a knockin’ on my door I rush to turn off the lights and pretend I’m not home...maybe if I’m quiet long enough it’ll just leave.

Despite experiencing over and over the beautiful power found in saying YES, in saying NO, in standing alone, in standing with, the beautiful power in holding firm to myself and my values.

Commitment is letting go of the control and acknowledging I already have the answers inside.  

It’s time once again to turn down the volume of fear and breathe in peace.

Peace in trusting myself.

Peace in the belief that I am enough.

Peace in every moment is just right.
----------------------------------------------------
following in inspiration, I received this beautiful truth today:

"There are no promised moments. This is NOT a dress rehearsal. I feel inspired, motivated and pushed to say, "I love you" to those I love as much as I can. I feel inspired to take risks. I feel pushed to look at my fear and step INTO it, rather then shy away from it. I am feeling time passing more and more and with it, it is whispering to me, "Do what you are afraid of, you won't regret it. Love out loud, you won't forget it. Live in the now, it is your present. The future is bright if you let it... be.""  -the daily love.


much love to you all always.

.a moment.

“Our days are numbered. At this very moment, many thousands are born into the world, some destined to life only a few days or weeks, and then tragically succumbed to illness or other misfortune. Others are destined to push through to the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond, and savor every taste life has to offer: triumph, despair, joy, hatred, and love. We never know. But whether we live a day or a century, a central question always remains: What is the purpose of life? What makes our lives meaningful? The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.”

This is probably going to sound odd because it was such an internal experience but I want to share it just the same. I’ve felt a lot of movement inside of myself lately. Changes coming from within, a paradigm is shifting. I feel hungry for something and with such timing a friend let me borrow “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama. I sat down this morning enjoying a fresh avocado and black tea with a little bit of milk when I came upon this statement. I don’t know why but instantly I felt something move through me and big soft tears started rolling down my face and then it released itself of me and I felt lighter. They weren’t tears of sadness for the brevity of life or even for the trying journey we embark on seeking happiness, but for actually being able to feel the gravity and fragility of life. Being called to live, being given (for some reason) the chance for another day to live, for undeservingly being able to wake up to the sun shining in my room, to share my pathway with so many beautiful spirits whether it’s for a moment or a lifetime - connecting. The moment held such power.

Life is beautiful.

.t w e n t y e i g h t.

Some days I feel stronger, more authentic, more vibrant, and more conscious than I’ve ever felt in my entire life and then there are many moments I’m lost, crushed, weak, confused, and powerless. But then I'm beginning to think maybe those are all one. The more lost I become the more aware of myself I am, the weaker I feel the more connected I am to this soil beneath my feet and the breath of air in my lungs, maybe the more confused I get the most likely I am to let the uni-verse direct me. Maybe just maybe less of me is more.

I feel beautiful in this moment of life, this celebration of 28 years.

I came across this the other day and found it fitting for a birthday reflection:
“Remember: YOU get to decide what’s true for you. So - What does your heart want? What is your soul yearning for? Can you step into a new story and not allow what others think to hold you back?”

These are powerful questions to me, to enunciate the wants and ways of my heart. Through this journey I’ve seen light and dark – near and far, in the known and unknown, in the beautiful and ugly, in the moment and the memory. It’s ever changing and all encompassing. I’ve come to realize that I can’t find my heart’s wants in the tangible.

I want to be present, I want a connection, I want a freedom, I want strength in myself to repeal the energy from outside. I want to anchor my sailboat with my own means and look out with my eyes to see the view. I want to dispose of my labels and judgments. I want my words to have weight. I want to greet you with an open heart, share myself in a new light, a new truth. 

This year brings more experiences in Malawi, the aspiration of farming my grandpa’s orchard with my sister (more on that later...), and the thoughts of midwifery in my future. I am grateful.

Much love to you all always.

.brand new.

I get so caught up focusing on my weaknesses, my faults, my “mistakes”, my regrets, my fears, the way I allow others to influence my decisions, the days I take the easy road, the place I feel society wants me to be at almost 28 years of age, allowing my past to determine my future.

I saw this and it instantly hit me. It felt like that very tight tense balloon I’ve been carrying in my chest for too long had been popped. I took a deep breath. EXHALE. I am brand new.

I am comprised of so many fragments that have brought me to his very moment, but in this moment I am brand new. I am present. I am forward moving. Every moment I can change, I can improve, I can start anew. This truth seems to dissipate the weight of my past because new opportunities abound me now. That is powerful.

I hope these words speak to you as they did me.
Much love to you all always.

.accepting love.

What a whirlwind day, and it’s only 3pm on a Tuesday.

I received a text message from my pseudo-supervisor /co-worker last night saying that he would not be at work today because something had come up in Blantyre (a town about 2 or so hours south of Liwonde). So this morning I sent him a message to say that if he came back in the afternoon just let me know because I have the office key and would stay in Liwonde today for meetings at the hospital. He then responds to say that he was at the Bi-annual review meeting in Blantyre which I was supposed to be invited.

Malawi is beautiful, raw, and alive. The challenges I face here are so different than Ecuador. In Ecuador I was refusing invitations to meetings because everyone wanted the token gringa at their meeting, yet here in Malawi the last invited (if I even get invited). History and culture can easily paint the picture of why this is, but still it’s hard not to compare or take it personally.

This morning I read a beautiful quote about love (via icecreamisbetterwithafork.tumblr.com):

“It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again."

- Kent Nerbern

I chewed on these words all day, but it wasn’t until the afternoon that I could actually taste them.

I was walking into town and happened upon a group of school children who froze in the middle of the road with their big doe eyes waiting to see what would happen next…so I give them the usual response “Bo!” (This is actually short for Bonjour, of all the oddest things!) their faces melt into a huge smiles and their dark hopeful eyes light up like they’ve been waiting all day for the Azungu (foreigner) to say hello. My heart swells. Continuing on to the hospital, a woman sitting in the Maternity ward catches my eye and I smile and continue on, then on my way out she peeks her head out of the door and grabs my hand with both of hers, holding on so very tight and with the warmest eyes says “thank  you.” I’m not sure to what she was referring or if she knew any other English but I was grateful for her love. Then walking back home I passed an older gentleman who was biking into town and mid-hill stops and gets off his bike to formally greet me. I am grateful for his love.

I really connected with this part of the quote,

“Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.”

Instead of focusing on the where I’m not receiving love I need to reframe my perspective. Today I’m consciously grateful for all the love I am given here in Malawi because when I truly open my eyes I can see a magnitude of love.