.blue skies of January.

I came across a question this week that made me pause - what brings your unrestricted joy right now? - 

I think it's a blue sky

 

after the dark short days that feel like fleeting moments between the never ending nights

the surprise of a blue sky

the delicate yet vibrant pink/orange sunrise

the weak yet radiating sun rays enveloping me on a slow cold walk

it can feel like a deep exhale

a moment of resounding joy

the truth that impermanence is the only constant

the reminder of hope 

the hope of spring 

with all the complexities the unbearable unknowns lurking this year

maybe the greatest joy is the simplest of pleasures

maybe it can be as simple as a blue sky day

maybe it has to be, the rest is too much to hold

what brings your unrestricted joy right now? 

. plum island.

I went to Plum Island on New Year's Eve - to walk thru wetlands, listen to the birds and to see the fierce waves - to feel the freedom of the ocean even in 19 degree weather. I walked the beach in silence thinking about intentions for 2017. I thought about how I want to find more time for moments like this one. 

I flew west, again a few days ago and here I am starting anew for 2017.  Wondering what is next for me...a Brazilian friend who has just arrived back in the states after 6 months away said to me, "I went home for some months - adentro - where there isn't much but it was so good to have to jump inside myself. " I loved that, jump inside myself! I don't know how my plans for 2017 will unfold but I hope above all I jump inside myself.

.december thoughts.

There's something challenging and magical about December - the frenzy of the holidays that collides with the slowing down into winter. During the past few weeks I've been balancing between sprints in the studio making/selling my wares at holiday markets and the quiet exhaustion at home when I stop and look around to remember that it's December, it's winter time. The season is softly asking me to refocus inwards. I'm trying to find more balance and less extremes, to start gathering my focus and intentions for this season - for this new year - for this opportunity to renew myself, to learn myself more.

This is what I started to gather today on a walk in the woods:

to greeting - someone/a moment/journey with no expectations - just an open heart - to accept what it offers me with gratitude, not judgment - to stay present with its offering, as if I know nothing at all. 

I don't know if that's possible but it's something I want to work towards this coming year. To stop reacting to old stories - to stop carrying the past into the n o w - to stop asking someone to take care of my wounds and to stop taking care of theirs. 

slow
calm
presence
without judgment
and when I move towards judgment remember to 
be here 
now.

What are you gathering in these shorter days? 

.presence.

New England is such a bold teacher. Just one week ago it was 74 degrees and I was riding my bike in a tank top and short shorts. Today it was a high of 43 degrees and I rode my bike with two jackets on and my fleece neck warmer. The temperature drop seems so rapid - so drastic like we skipped over fall in a few days but that is just New England. The weather forecast says that it will be 70 again in a few days. A lesson reminding me to be present. To be fully in the moment. To soak up the sun and warmth when it's 70 degrees and savor the cold  40 degree weather that encourages me to root down into my work and make delicious nourishing food. Be mindful and find gratitude for what I have in the moment. 

I saw this today, the Universe is always teaching me if I are open to see/hear it.

To be mindful is to be fully present with whatever we are doing. If you are drinking tea, just drink your tea. Do not drink your worries, your projects, your regrets. When you hold your cup, you may like to breathe in, to bring your mind back to your body, stop your thinking, and become fully present. In that moment, you become real and the cup of tea becomes real. In this state of true presence and freedom you enjoy simply drinking your tea. 

- Thich Nhat Hanh

.finding unity.

Everything is everything. I'm constantly amazed by my life/journey - fascinated by my mind and how I interpret events - react to moments - try patiently to sit with all the nuances of everything. 

I have been so fulfilled the past few months and also working so hard to find a daily ritual (balance). I  am so grateful for all the tangible signs that the Universe continues to send me and also feel like I might lose my footing in any moment - constantly asking how to take my next step. I have felt so grounded in myself/body/spirit and also open to feel all the sensations of my old wounds (stories). 

It's everything in every moment. 

I am working to build more rituals into my day - to grow patience - humility - trust - compassion into every moment. To always sit down with all the layers with gratitude. To not seek the high or hold onto the weakness of the low - to stand in the middle and see the raw beauty and connectedness (unity). 

Every high is a reflection of the low - every low illuminates the depth of the high.

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Rituals I have started:

-I created a home office/studio space for my jewelry. I spend time in the room everyday.

-When I wake up I take a few moments before getting out of bed to set an intention for the day and then I do a simple morning yoga practice before I do anything.

-Taking time to journal something every morning.

-Making herbal tea blends to hydrate and nourish my body.

-Relaxing for bed I put on my handmade dream balm to help my body decompress from the day and open myself to deep dreams.

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What are your rituals?

.staying present.

Sometimes with daily life I get caught up in the disconnect I create (which I usually confuse with boredom). Today I woke up to an overcast day and for some reason started thinking about last January on my road trip back to the Northwest. I had just celebrated the New Year with my Sister in Arizona and was starting the first solo leg of  the trip. I camped out at Joshua Tree. Waking up to nothing but a blank day, a mug of pour over coffee and a sunrise. I felt such a surge of freedom. All those possibilities lie in today just as much as they did then. I hold onto these assumptions and expectations that provide a false sense of reality (limitations - captivity) that that freedom can only be found moving. 

Today is a blank day, with a mug of pour over coffee and a sunrise. 

How are you going to spend your day? What are ways you stay more present in this moment? 

.i just need to BE.

The full moon shown so bright last night. Illuminating the land like a spotlight from above once a month just to check on us. To make sure we are all right. To make sure we are still making it.

We are making it. Some of us are sprinting, some of us are pacing with a marathon endurance, some of us are walking, and some of us are taking little steps BUT we are moving as we can, in our own way.

Life is precious.

Much like the spotlight of the full moon i've been blessed with these rare moments of raw clarity that show me a heart - a mind - a soul. Have you ever experienced this? It comes in the most mundane moments something demands your attention and you SEE it.

The layers of male, middle aged, Malawian, few resources, poor hygiene, married, father, frustrated, hungry, in need of new shoes - becomes just another human being - making it - moving as only he knows how - falling and rising - hoping - looking for happiness.

Sometimes these sweet moments can almost touch another one and others seem miles and days apart, but cherished just the same.

Malawi scares me because it's exposed me and made me vulnerable in ways like never before. Tasting the fragility of life pushing me to realize all we have is NOW and I just need to BE.



p.s. I'm really going to miss these market days...I found a new (orphan annie-esk) RED dress and this vintage bedspread/tablecloth...whatever it is. I LIKE it.

.weekendy.

It’s the weekend. With the recent passing of the President here things are somber. We are awaiting the arrival of the body from South Africa. There been a dancing ban placed until the burial of his Excellency. Err. WHAT? What is a girl to do for the weekend?? I guess it’s another action packed weekend of cooking and endless rounds of “uno” with my boys.

Everything is interconnected. Being here it’s a humbling reminder each and every day that 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. For a double fire sign (Solar – Aries/ Lunar – Leo…if you’re into that) this is the toughest lesson to learn. Honestly, I’m relearning it each day. Fresh and new, knocked down, and scolded when I try ONCE again to make a plan.

Last weekend I planned a BIG “Wear your Astrological Sign” (ok I’m not super into this stuff, but it’s a good conversation piece and it’s a fun theme. I’m not changing my name to moon child anytime soon…). I was so excited I painted watercolor backdrops for an impromptu photo booth, wrote fortunes, planned the menu, made a new playlist…and then the President died. Peace Corps issued that we stay in-site and refrain from travel, in case there was any sort of reaction. What? My plan was knocked down in a matter of minutes. I had been planning this for weeks, looking forward to showing off the pioneer mansion and sharing delicious Mexican eats with friends. I was super bummed. “Nothing ever works out here” might’ve been one of the aggravating thoughts floating through my mind. But as constant as variables are in my life, it always works out. It wasn’t a big party, but it was just what it was suppose to be. I shared the night with 4 great volunteer friends and 2 guys that I work with. It turned into a wild night of dancing, eats, and endless photo booth. And I remembered, 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. Dang it! It’s another friendly reminder from the Uni-verse. I get it. I get it. It’s just going to take a while for me to relearn this truth.

Much love to you always.

.striving for presence.

Someone hit me today, more shoved. I’m fine, it wasn’t forceful. Although, I’m having a hard time working through the many feelings you process when someone violates you and your space. I’m a reactor so I usually start yelling – then the anger starts building and mounding inside of me till I can’t contain it. Every after the moment has past it takes me time to wind down from all the energy I’ve created. Then I replay the situation inside my head and analyze. Let it go. But it’ll come back again, I’ll replay it and the anger will come again. It’s 9pm and I’m still angry about it.
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I went into to Liwonde (20 min minibus ride) for a meeting with the District Hospital Management team to present my work plan. I arrived at 9:30am for our 10am meeting. I met with my Counterpart and at 10:30am we found out the management team was in a budgeting meeting with Auditors (you didn’t know this yesterday when you confirmed?? Hmmm.) so we waited, and waited until 1pm. Then finally my Counterpart realized that this wasn’t going to happen so we rescheduled for tomorrow.
I met up with Kate (another Peace Corps Volunteer and my old roommate) for lunch. Nsima and beans, the usual Malawian eats.

Then we strolled through the used clothing market (to make up for the lack of productivity in my work life! Ha!) and I found a fabulous dress for my upcoming birthday party for only $1!! We said goodbye and I headed towards the bus depot (It’s fairly easy to get a ride from Machinga to Liwonde from another District Assembly member but almost always have to ride a minibus back to Machinga.).


I walked to the road to wait for a minibus that was actually leaving. You have to be careful because bus attendants will ask you where you are going and then take you to their bus that’s almost always empty which means you’ll be waiting for at least 30 minutes for them to fill the bus. No thanks! So I was standing there waiting on the road and two buses pull up. Of course I’m swarmed by guys trying to get me to ride their bus. For some reason everyone seem way more aggressive today, the first guy told me the bus ride was going to be 300 kwacha which is double the rate (150kw) so I said no way!! I live in Machinga and know the rates, it’s 150. He was nice and offered me a great deal of 250kw. No! Then the other guys come up and when I told them I wouldn’t pay 300 (these guys see me several times a week I’m not sure how they think that I don’t know the real rates, but you never know! ). So I said no thanks, I’ll wait. Of out of nowhere this guy two guys back from me reaches over and shoves my head for who knows what reason. I was shocked. Did he really touch me? (Note: Malawians are very non-confrontational people!!) But he TOTALLY shoved me. I’m in shock and look around to gauge others reactions and nothing. Everyone is still trying to get me on their bus for 300kw. What? A guy (he was drunk but that’s not really the issue here) shoves a woman! A visitor to Malawi! and NO ONE, no bus attendants, no one at the nearby store, no one on the bus has flinched or said anything. This all slowly absorbing into the numbness of shock and I react. I start yelling (Hello you can call me the ugly American today!! Ekk!!) and walk away. No one does anything when I yell except try to get me on their bus and to buy a fried ball of dough. WHAT???? I was so irate I was shaking at this point (disclaimer: it’s been a long week thus far. I had been asked for money who knows how many times BY adults and all my meetings had been postponed so I was already well into a subconscious pity party…). I walked around the block not sure what to do. I had to get back to Machinga and I had to take a bus because no one was driving by…so I wait a few minutes and found a minibus that ended up charging me 200kw.
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It frightens me that I have that kind of anger inside of me. I had a lot of anger in Ecuador, quick flashed of unexpected anger flooding my body. Not understanding where it comes from makes it hard to prevent this flash flood. Meditating on it today I realized that I keep telling myself to be present, but being present isn’t floating from moment to moment. It’s truly being OF the moment. I’m stuffing my mouth with food so hurried for the next bite/to finish/next best thing I’m forgetting to chew-taste-swallow.


It’s easy to be present when you’re running.


This moment, this anger is a mirror to myself, a mirror exposing my need to ground-root-connect myself to the moment, to life, the uncomfortable.