.enjoy the process and let go of the results..

where we held the trainings. nsanama, malawi.

It’s been a beautiful journey this past week, feeling, reacting, and letting it go. We had 5 full days of training that covered everything from birth preparedness to family planning to how to conduct a home visit with Chiefs, Traditional Birth Attendants, Community Health Workers, and Religious Leaders. In a moment I could have said what a great gift to Machinga District this has been and in the next criticize it all, but if I’ve absorbed anything during these past almost 7 months it’s that everything has purpose. It’s just my narrow bias mind that sometimes has trouble finding it, but that’s because the purpose is far greater than I.   

Enjoy the process and let go of the results. 

Gertrude, the Safe Motherhood Coordinator teaching "Kangaroo Mother Care"
a method used for premature and low-birth weight babies.

Patricia, the Family Planning Coordinator
drawing  the female reproductive organs!!

Next week we will have a second and final training. It will be the conclusion of my grant, my “job description” but when I focus on the imperfections of the “results” I’m taking away all the power that I found in the process. A process that challenged me like never before, a journey that opened my eyes to a world outside of myself, and given me a taste what balance from an authentic life CAN feel like. So today and next week I am going to work on letting go of the results and give my energy in form a gratitude for the process. 

Highlights from training: 

My sweet sweet Azamba (Traditional Birth Attendant) that took me in,
and gave me sweet smiles, daily hugs, and fruit from her garden.
(p.s. I was sick this week and this picture shows it...)

*Learning that the Traditional Authority swears Coca-Cola is the “magic drug” for contractions. 

*Watching the look of amazement on the face of local Chiefs while the Family Planning coordinator drew a picture of the female reproductive organs.

*Having the Traditional Birth Attendants lead us in song and dance before every snack break.

Aid is aiding, but is that ENOUGH?

The first two Maternal Health Task force meetings went off without a hitch. 

Last Monday we met with the Traditional Authority and 42 Community Health Workers, Influential leaders, and Traditional Birth Attendants to conduct a baseline survey on the realities of perceived services and access to care in this area. Then on Tuesday we were back in another area of the district to meet with another Traditional Authority and 40 Community Health Workers, Influential leaders, and Traditional Birth Attendants. It was full days, which after so much “down time” I feel little high to be so stimulated. During the meetings I had waves of emotion passing through me. Excitement that THIS was actually happening, frustration at the lack of sustainability instilled into this structures, gratefulness for despite it all having landed in the lap on a power team of health providers that have supported and walked me through this journey, anger at aid and how America thinks that by throwing our money at “the poor, meek, and tired” we can “save” a life, and a little numb from it all. It’s hard to explain. 

Without living, breathing, feeling, seeing, touching, tasting the reality (and let me remind MYSELF this these biased conclusions I’m eluding to are only based on 6 months of structure and I should know better than to build my house on such a weak structure…) it’s hard to explain this without sounding bitter or ungrateful, but let me tell you I feel neither. More so, my sentiments in sharing this are it to present my truths and my questions. 

Aid is aiding, but is that enough? It’s like going through the motions of life. Yes, you are living breathing but are you truly living?

Many years ago when NGOs first presented in Malawi there was this concept to provide a “lunch allowance” for participants of the meeting (WHO thought of this??) . This was to supplement their time. But I’m sure as you can imagine anyone that would hear of this would enjoy the idea of being supplemented, which leads to attendance becoming dependent on allowances and how much the allowances are…What’s wrong with that? Well, if people are only coming for allowances then can it be assumed that some people are only coming for allowances (aka not interested in the matter at hand!!)? And some great projects/ideas are not being shared/happening because there just aren’t funds for allowances. 



So sitting at the meetings those negative thoughts crept into my mind and spread like wild fire: are people invested? Do these people even care? Are YOU here just for the allowance? I caught myself. WHO is this person? When did I turn into the bad cop or God for that matter, judging a person’s motives? Just when I think I’ve rid myself of the “Ugly American” there she is AGAIN. Ugh. I took a deep breath and let it go.

Feel it all. Let it go.

Because this isn’t about me, it never was. For some reason I was given this opportunity and with luck, passion, and Moreen Ntambo I was granted $10,000.00 USD to help begin to form Maternal Health Task forces. No not everyone is going to be as emotional about the matter as I, but there is beauty in the details and nuances (as I thought I had learnt). The importance can be found in merely the presentation. The training of Safe Motherhood practices will be taking place this week and next. That is enough. For this time, this moment, this purpose. That is enough. 

But the heart says despite my minds logic, is that enough? Is this conversation? The meetings? The trainings? My heart says no, but in 9 months, in a meeting, with one policy, one newspaper article, one donation can I fairly challenge for more? Can I give so little and ask for so much? 

I don’t know.


*************
update: I just read this quote : 

"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. 

But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning."

- Lao Tzu

I think the uni-verse is trying to tell me something.

.full moon.

"Don't give up hope. In these difficult times the sun still rises, there is light on the water, 
and the full moon shines, once a month, in the dark sky."
 Patricia Harman.

Last night the full moon was so bright beaming into my room. Life here feels so connected, seasonal, and authentic. I started thinking about all the things I was going to miss when I go/all the things I am grateful for. The sun rising to wake me in the mornings, the view of the valley, the electric sunsets, the climb up the hill, and the full moon that shines so bright once a month into my room keeping me company as I drift to sleep.


This past Saturday marked 6 months in Malawi and I felt it. It was like it clicked, the awkwardness, the unknown, the "time", the chaos...it seems smoother today, like I've let it go a little bit, like maybe it could all make sense, maybe I could fall in love, maybe I could put my heart into this, maybe I could get past the discomforts and enjoy the now. 

This week started with a visit to the Support Group herbal garden, which was amazing. In just one week they had planted all the seeds, finished the fence, and labelled the plants. I was so proud! We finished the meeting with a presentation on balanced diets.

Then Monday and Tuesday we had our first orientation/focus group meetings for Maternal Health Task Forces in the two Traditional Authorities! It was everything all at once. I'm not even sure how I felt about it all, but it wasn't about me . It started a conversation which was the point of it all and next week will begin the training for forming Safe Motherhood Community Groups. 

Mrs. Ntambo, the powerhouse behind the whole Maternal Health Taskforce! 

Wow. 6 months, but the moment arrived just in time for me to see it, feel it, understand it, and allow it to recharge me! 


Beauty is all around us. I hope you open your eyes and SEE it today.

.as of late.

happy weekend to all you beautiful souls. 


I'm writing with much to celebrate, be grateful for, and to update. As I'm sure you've noticed (or at least my Mom) I've been off line for a while...so much has just happened! The nitty-gritty as of late is this: I attended a Natural Medicine training (amazing!) and using the training to help build an herbal garden with a local HIV+ support group, went on a two week Ladies vacation to Likoma and Chizimulu islands on Lake Malawi (see above pic) so beautiful, our grant was approved, and tomorrow will make 6 months since I have arrived in this country! Amazing! I've been sitting around waiting and waiting and when I finally just got up it all feel into my lap.


The grant: To form a Maternal Health Task force within two TA (traditional authorities) in America this would look like a county within a state (just on a MUCH smaller scale.) These two TAs are known for their high maternal mortality and increase Mother to Child transmission rates. The focus is to start a conversation between community members and Maternal Health stakeholders to look at our data and hear the reality of Maternal Health services. I'm so honored and thrilled to be here and facilitating this conversation. Maternal Health or BUST. The meetings are Monday and Tuesday and then we will culminate our grant project with a week long training (TBA) in an area determined as a high priority for improving Maternal Health systems.


So I'm off to have a late minute prep meeting, then saturday brunch with a friend, and garden planting on sunday. life is in full motion.


much love to you all always.
a

.facing our fears and finding truth in the moment.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek". - Joseph Campbell

What do you fear? I fear so many things, commitment, vulnerability, judgment, …I won’t bore you with the novel. I was reading a recent daily love talking about the power found in facing, acknowledging, naming our fears. It asked how can we imagine our potential when our view is cluttered with fear?

----------------------------------------------------

My Mother raised me with sweet loving words. She told me from a young age of the care and pride that filled her body while she carried me. Birthing me naturally, welcoming me into this world with love and confidence in her body.

But as a young girl I frequently watched “A Baby Story” on TLC (what a TV choice, right?). I was frightened (to say the least) but enthralled, I knew of my birth story (a real story) and held it near my heart but was somehow capsized by the “truths” of these women’s stories. Honestly, I remember being 13 unable to change the (horrible) channel while FREAKING OUT I would be THAT woman some day. Strapped down, distraught, screaming (is she possessed????). Hoping by the time I was to have children science would “outsmart” the body. That’s almost 15 years ago but the fear was real. It took me years to see the beauty in pregnancy. The first birth I attended was so overwhelming I almost had to leave the room.

Birth – labor – life is powerful, demanding, raw, unknown any and all of these attributes can be felt as fearful.

Our words of it’s fine, I’ll deal with it when it comes, what if - are all fanning the flames of fear, quietly building inside of us. This quote really connected me to my early formed memories of birth, “these old thoughts and ideas (fears) are energy in our lives that rob us of the moment” this is telling me that without presence I can’t progress – I’m static. “When we can begin to trust our perception of the truth in the moment. There is a power in the process, an unfettering of the mind and spirit” Slowing letting go of my thoughts and ideas (fears/A Baby Story flashbacks) I stayed in that room watching Sarahi’s body shift and push her little boy into this world. She wasn’t strapped down, she didn’t even scream, but she fought, she needed love, encouragement, and together we greeted Joshua in this world. I had to let go of my formulated version of “truth” which allowed me to see the beauty in the moment, the truth of the moment.

-------------------------------------------------------

As of late:

I fear commitment/decisions. Decisions to me mean missing out on something else, so I don’t like to commit/decide until I have to.

This week I was allowing myself to get eaten up by a decision. Not a monumental decision, but a decision nonetheless. I let it chew on me until I was drained and weak. With encouragement and trust I realized that there was no right or wrong, but an answer. My answer.

By facing my fear I found a truth and power in the process.

.reproductive health is a human right.

Maureen gave me a tour of the labor and delivery ward today. This is the most expansive ward in my district given that it’s the main hospital.  We passed thru two swinging doors and there were the 4 beds in the main room, half sheets hung for reasons unknown but none of which pertained to privacy. Only 3 of the beds were being used by women in early stages of labor. I asked what happens when more than 4 women are laboring and she showed me two separate rooms (actually private yet dark, damp, and depressing) mostly used for women with complicated or prolonged labor. They can hold a total of 8 women at one time. After they reach 8 then they made floor beds, Maureen says that this happens often. At the end of each bed was a cardboard box (it looked like a box of triscuits) that was the sharps container. On the floor was a bucket labeled “placenta” I asked Maureen if there were any cultural practices with the placentas and she opened up the bucket to see, yes a fresh placenta. They take them out to the placenta burning pit twice a day (not the cultural practice I had anticipated). We then we on to see the women who were being watched after complicated labors, this room was open and held 24 beds. All but 2 beds were filled. There was one woman who had been there for 48 hours, for some reason she really impacted me. She sat there naked from the waist up with only a chitenji wrapped around her, sitting on the bed with a blank hallow stare feeding her baby, her large swollen breasts looked painful. I wonder if she had any choice over her body.

There has been a lot of discussion, debate, and general commotion about women’s rights in the states. It saddens me that this needs to be a discussion, it saddens me that my body has become a political issue, it saddens me that it has turned into a women’s issue. It makes me reflect about one of my favorite buttons, it said “Be nice to vaginas you came from one” I like it because it’s funny, suggestive, and universal. Reproductive health isn’t a woman’s right, it’s a human right. We are only limiting our understanding of ourselves and our potential of health by wrapping up this conversation with labels. What do your statistics mean to the unplanned children, the mothers afraid of their own bodies, the families without a choice? When health becomes only an option for the rich there lies only one outcome, poverty (I mean this is a broad aspect).

Maybe that’s what those haunting hallow eyes of the Amayi were showing me, we have become so detached from our own bodies and thoughts that we start to control something, others, the voiceless, the impoverished, the meek, the sick, the young, the old, us.

This moment was a wake-up call for me to reconnect with myself, my body, my mind, my passion, and my world. It’s a call back to reality, to feel it.

.to you, amayi.

I was sitting in the back of the minibus on my way from Machinga (where I live) to Liwonde (the next big town where most things are) a normal 15-20min trip that I take almost every other day. But as we were stopping in a small village 3 Amayis got on the bus, petit serious women with short hair, imported T shirts advertising foreign brands and local events in English, wrapped in their chitenjis (2 yards of fabric). From their eyes they will never see the fight that they were born to fight that was speaking so loudly to me on that bus ride. I looked at them and really saw their true bravery and solidarity.

I wondered which one would be pregnant next, who would have pregnancy complications, which one won’t have a skilled attendant at their birth, which one has almost died in childbirth, which one is trapped inside of herself dealing with the fact that sex is demanded of her without consent and without choice of the lives to come from it.

moments marinating in my mind,

love pouring out of me,

connecting to the detached. 

Life is precious, and it’s becoming more and more precious everyday I’m here. There is so much I’m adsorbing and its sweet quiet moments like these that sneak into my days that allow me to realize all that I’ve seen.

Malawi hasn’t tugged at my heart like Ecuador or Mexico, where I love it all. There is too much struggle here to fall in love with this life. There is no romance in another death. But my heart has been so filled with admiration for all the immensely powerful Amayis. The Amayi that carries hundreds of pounds of pumpkins in plastic sacks hours on a minibus to sell at market for her family, for the Amayi that hikes 3 hours straight up hill to cut down firewood only to carry the 8ft long logs that I imagine weight 100lbs or more balancing on her head down that same hill to then cook the meal for her large, unplanned family (the fertility rate of Malawi is 7 children/woman!). When I see and an Amayi I will always stop and bow to greet her out of reverence to her thirst for life that I will never tastes. To her powerful feminine power I hope to foster inside of myself. She answers my trivial frustrations, life is worth is all.

The minibus stops again, another Amayi squeezes in and sits next to me with her baby girl slung over her shoulder. I look over at her and those little dark round doe eyes look up at me and she gives me a little smile.  My heart swells in an indescribable way and her Amayi laughs with me, a moment never tasted as sweet .

 Every woman deserves a choice, a voice, an education, and an empowering birth. Maybe Malawi in all the confusion and waiting and unattractive rawness of life is really just the preparation for my birth, the birth of a more vulnerable, humble, and empathetic self.     

.work.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about work don’t be fooled this NOT because I’ve been so busy working  as I’m sure you’re thinking. Ha!

Malawian culture although warm is very passive. The concept “of saving face” is of utmost importance so coming in as a “timely straight-forward” American it challenging to get a good grasp on the reality of the situation. For example, I will say goodbye to my counterpart at the end of the day and ask him if I will see him the next day, he will say yes and then when I arrive at work there will be no one around and I will later find out there was a district meeting.  So many days are spent just figuring out where my counterpart is. So it has taken 2 months of begging district workers (my direct field supervisors) to introduce me to local stakeholders and lots of clueless (oh my behalf) investigating to find a worthy manageable project for the now 7 months remaining time frame. Just as I was feeling drained and ready to just stay home and homestead for the next 7 months, I had a breakthrough! Peace Corps had arranged a visit because I had expressed the lack of support and work I had, but honestly I didn’t think it was going to encourage anything but bad feelings at the district. But my Supervisor came and met with the Health Education Officer and the District Health Officer and explain about the Response program (this should’ve happened before I arrived!) and with my research of maternal health providers we came up with the idea of not only mapping maternal health services but also since there are so many providers in our district and little to no communication between the varying service providers my main focus will be on forming a Maternal health taskforce with important stakeholders at various levels. WOW! I’m in love with this idea and the PC along with the DHO said there was MUCH need and MUCH interest.

Work! Work in Maternal Health! I can’t tell you how rejuvenating this day has left me, I feel stimulated again!

Despite the challenges of work I have located the most amazing nurturing space on the hilltop of Machinga, I have met so many fascinating people (UN Oral Surgeon, tons of PhD students from around the world, Seattle-native working with Village Reach an NGO working on a FREE Maternal Health Text message program), and find joy in the basic acts of survival (i.e. cooking over fire!).

Now off to read, study, and research WHO documents. I have an initial work plan meeting on Monday with the DHO!

Much love to you all always.