.I am expanding.

Suddenly, it's summer solstice. The dark days of January and whirlwind of April have evaporated into the longest day of the year. 

I didn't make it up for the first light. By the time I woke up at five, my living room was already full with light. Today the sun rose so far to the northeast I couldn't even see it from my window, falling exactly where the corner of my house meets between the two windows, making the softest filtered yellow glow this morning. 

I decided to restart my 4-15s creativity schedule. I'm feeling very creative lately, so many ideas! The structure of the morning routine (dedicated short readings) presents new perspectives! Today I picked up Designing from Nature: A source book for artist and craftsmen by Esther Warner Dendel. A book I found last year at the Grunewald Guild. Esther was an eccentric artist, sculptor, and prolific writer from Iowa, who was deeply informed by her time in Liberia. The book serendipitously opens talking about light. 

"Really noticing how light changes from hour to hour and trying to catch these changes in words makes any day interesting. The interest has to be in you, not in the sky. People say, "That doesn't interest me." They should say, "I have not interested myself in that." As soon as someone realizes that interest has to reside inside oneself, not in the thing being observed, the first step has been made toward richer life."

What I've interested myself with this week is an idea in the form of a quilt. There's something about the building of a quilt, the ritual - measure, cut, repeat - a meditation

piece, pin, sew, iron

piece, pin, sew, iron

The idea came to me, or revisited me from last summer, on an seemingly endless drive on I-90 East, the flat straightaways through the rolling wheat fields en route to Montana. 

A vision of expanding lungs, inspire - to inhale - expand. The embodiment of expansion. The reflection of my own ability to stretch/extend myself further/beyond in moments/seasons of connection and awe. The electricity of feeling alive, awaken from the monotony that we can some how get lost/numb to, on this beautiful magical journey of being human. 

Although, on this drive to an adventure, a new landscape, a reprieve. I imagined the idea in the form of a large scale sculpture - to be experienced walking in and around, eliciting wonder and awe in the manifestation of its form. I made a quick sketch when I arrived in Montana, and with no further care, the idea left. Monday the idea came back - all of a sudden - this time in the form of a quilt, making an abstract interpretation of ribs inspiring. 

It's a gift to be visited by ideas, so this time I took more care. Trying to tether more fragments than last time, I made a sketch, found scrap fabric, and started the meditation. 

measure, cut, repeat

align, pin, sew, iron

align, pin, sew, iron

adding a piece, adding a strip, adding the section

building/growing/expanding

with a special invitation to hand sew/touch every piece - slower - as my machine isn't working right now. It's a welcomed invitation to be more presented and grounded. To feel the expansion in this season of my life 

of summer, long days, adventures, dreams, and cosmic connection.

I feel myself expanding.

With the pieces coming together, I felt a hesitancy to the straight-ish lines. I don't tend to work in a very geometric approach. As everything I make is heavily touched by my hand and basic tools. But since I'm hand sewing the entire piece, I decided to use strips of fabric as soft start for hand piecing. Although, as I kept reading Designing from Nature, and it offered a new perspective on language of lines and my feelings of resistance to the rigidity.

"Speed, motion, rest , nervousnesss, strength, dignity, confusion, serenity -- all these quality can be communicated by line. What does a straight vertical line seem dignified, conservative, and astute? Why do we feel pensive under a weeping willow tree? 

"When one straight light crosses another at a right angle, the horizontal sometimes seems to be launching an assault against vertical. Yet, nearly all nonindustrial societies assign magical properties to crossroads. This is the spot where vital things happen. This is where the gods are to be invoked." 

She went on to explain the the asterisk is called the magic square by the Yorubas of Nigeria. 

"The arms of the cross point to the cardinal points of the universe and the diagonals to all four corner. You who make this sign are at the center were cosmic forces meet and concentrate"

To me THAT is true expansion. Esther's perspective feels like a beautiful invitation to reflect on the power of a line and explore/soften the lines into becoming a spot were vital things happen and gods are invoked. 

We'll see where it leads me! 

.westward, again.

I landed on the west coast, again yesterday. The past few months have seemed like a blur of plane rides and beds and places and 5 outfits (ha!) and I have only just started to find a rhythm (or the beginning of a surrender) to all this transition. I'm back in my home state of Washington for a few weeks while I share space with my sister who is awaiting the arrival for her first baby. 

The past month has felt frustrating. I felt like I was waiting on people to tell me what to do or where to go or how to spend my time and then I realized I was frustrated because I wasn't making any decisions for myself. I was projecting that frustration of not choosing myself upon others. Realizing this perspective totally changed things for me about 2 weeks ago. I started to actively choose myself by making small tiny decisions. The small tiny decisions started to open up new and old joys in my life, my journey. I started running into and reconnecting with old friends and found that beautiful excitement in the studio that I haven't had for such long time. I met with a friend I hadn't seen in months for coffee and our creativity talk inspired me to keep showing up for jewelry to find my discipline to my craft again. To invest time in it no matter what the inspiration or motivation (or lack of!). A few days later I found a new opportunity for myself in December! Yesterday I left Boston at 6am feeling groggy and a little unsettled at all the things I could've done before I left for Washington but as I sat in the window seat of the plane and watched the magic of the changing landscapes pass me by I couldn't help but feel so grateful to have this moment - this view - this freedom. 

I read this poem (one of my favorite poems) on the On Being blog this morning and was grateful for this gift of this reminder - thankful for all the small gifts that are right in front of me all the time.

"The Journey”
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations —
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

exposed::vulnerable jewelry collection

I went to Portugal to study metalsmith techniques and it ended up changing my relationship with how i made art - how i want to make art but it’s always a transition to changing a relationship/habit. I came back feeling recharged and lost - like reunited with a loved one after something has happened. This is jewelry. This is my art. This is my greatest teacher. But I didn’t know how to interact with it anymore. I was frustrated to not have the same relationship - to feel like I didn’t know it/connect with it.

Mark Nepo said that anxiety is the reaction to freedom.

At the same time I came back to a home that no longer felt like a home. In the following months I had to move out of a somewhere that I called home for a year and half, which is like forever in my timeline. I met - connected and separated from people in small and deep ways. I also met someone that connected with me in a new exciting and overwhelming way - a connection that made me feel recharged and lost. A connection that would demand openness/vulnerability in a way I haven’t been with anyone in a long time.

I left the east and returned home in the west and back to the east and then the midwest and head back east for a few weeks before I got west again. With only a small backpack, 4 outfits, The Book of Awakening and jewelry supplies. The great opportunity to learn how to be human - without comforts and hideaways.

I sat down in the studio again and started to make one earrings, slowly. I made the earring and then had another idea. I kept making pieces one at a time with new ideas slowing building on one another.

The pieces weren’t beautiful in a traditional way. The pieces were rough and industrial. The pieces felt like that were showing something they should be, exposed. The pieces are made with no home - an energy of being recharged and lost - completely human. The story I am telling right now. The story I need to tell over and over again to better understand this place I am in. The story I need to tell to reconnect with this new relationship I have with my art, jewelry. The new relationship in my life that requires all the darkness, space, details, roughness to be out - to be appreciated in a way something loved only can be, completely/actively.

I hope you find these pieces to be truth-tellers, reminders that we are all on this rugged /beautiful path. I hope you find community and healing in this universal truth we are all seeking. We are beautiful/unfinished/evolving/exposed beings - looking for a home/connection/peace/purpose and the only way is through in the surrender into this moment.

You can find the new wares in the AEO shop now.

aliciaeo.etsy.com

.empty your mind.

It feels like such a long time since I've left/given anything to this space. 

I'm still here. 

I've been moving/traveling/exploring and living out of a backpack for over a month. I had to move out of my apartment and then couched hopped until I took a trip home to Washington state. It had been a year since I had gone "home" and it was just as beautiful as I remember. It felt so good to know the land of Washington, to not look up something on google maps. I spent the majority of the time at the lake, a beautiful lake where I spent every summer growing up. It felt so nourishing to swim,  sunbath, read and talk endless while you float in the crisp water. 

I went back to the East Coast for a week and now I'm in the Midwest - trying to "figure out" what's next - trying to be present here in someone else's home with only a few belongings of my own. I was telling my sister the other days I just don't feel grounded enough in myself to figure out what to do next...how do I make a decision from this place? Then this morning I read Mark Nepo and as also in perfect time, 

"Two scientist traveled halfway around the world to ask a Hindu sage what he thought about their theories. When they arrived, he kindly brought them into his garden and poured them tea. Though the two small cups were full, the sage kept pouring. Tea kept overflowing and the scientists politely but awkwardly said, "Your holiness. the cups can hold no more." The sage stopped pouring and said, "your minds are like cups. You know too much. Empty your minds and come back. Then we'll talk.""

 -Leroy Little Bear, 

The Book of Awakening

Mark Nepo went on to say 

"If at times you feel numb or distanced from the essence of what you know, perhaps your mind, like the sage's teacup, is too full. Perhaps, like a bowl too full of fish, your deepest thoughts have no room to move. Perhaps we all need from time to time to dump out all that doesn't stick."

And I realized maybe this journey of moving from west to east to midwest, living out of a small backpack is the process of dumping out all that doesn't stick. It's uncomfortable but something good is coming. Something good is here. I've never been where I am right now and I need open spaces to see it. I have to let go of what I've been holding onto to be able to grow in the ways that I need to - moving into the future. Maybe this is the Universe blowing through me. 

Life is SO powerful and challenging and I'm forever grateful to be a student of it's lessons.

.weekend mood.

The fierce but tender and sensual wind wraps around me

as if to say - I am here

- it's ok to let go, a little bit

the wind always feels softer in the heavy humidity of summer.

it almost hides the sounds of 

summer construction

flights taking off and landing

children tired and hungry

but not quite - the city is still here

always making its presence known.

The light and shadows of the tree dance on and off of me

I wonder if I can find that lightness - flow

.process of change.

Whenever change greets me there is a heaviness that sets in - a lethargy in my bones - a fear - a resistance. I'm desperately holding onto the shore line as the tide tries to pull me out into the newness. I exhaust myself holding - grabbing - slipping...until maybe I realize or finally deplete myself and I loosen my grip - swept out by the waves - carried into the newness.

There is a still fear but also that peace that come from surrender. That peace of acceptance. I realize it's fine - i'm fine - where i am suppose to be - lighter - open to what is to come.

How do you feel change? How do you decide to let go (surrender)? What do I  always choose fear when peace always finds me?

Change is here again. I rode my bike to find some peace - to take time to say THANK YOU. To say goodbye to what has been and I discovered this magical place.

But Pema always says it best,

"Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know."

~Pema Chödrön 

via prairie girl

.lately.

It's been a long time since I've put anything here. 

I've been searching inside of myself - trying to find the grounding of what I want/need. 

I've been distracting myself with the busy life of Boston - chasing opportunities. 

I've been trying to be more present in the moment - meeting new people, staying up too late dancing to Brazilian music and making things with new mediums.

I took a trip to the Smokey Mountains and feel in love the lush mountains (again), the pitch dark nights and the quiet mornings. 

I need nature - I need space - I need the calmness to process it all. 

I took a trip to the ocean and feel in love with the mysterious life of tide pools, the way the horizon loses it's depth when you look long enough and the way the crashing waves somehow give me answers. 

I need to explore - I need to be silent (sometimes) - I need to s l o w down.

I'm reading a new book about energy and healing, "Light, Emerging" and I read the words this morning, 

"What is it that I have longed for and not yet succeeded in creating in my life?"

What are you longing for? What do you desire? What are you holding back? I hope you say YES this week. I hope you slow down. I hope you find love and beauty in it all.

.day 59.

I've landed back in the states - it feels so surreal to be back in my house with all the same things - people - smells just as they were in December but I feel so different, maybe it's just the 24 hours of traveling and sleep deprivation.  I woke to a dark cold day and I'm grateful for the chance to slowly unpack and settle into this place again. 

.day 56.

I arrived in Tavira this afternoon, half asleep and feeling nostalgic to be back in my little town for  my last 48 hours after a wonderful 4 days traveling around with friends.  Being away and coming back I could really feel the energy and rhythm of this place. it's waking up from winter. The streets are filling with people, stores are opening after a winter break, the cafes are full and the sun is strong. 

I'm grateful to know this place - to feel settled into this little town but sad to leave. I'll miss this place, a lot. I'll miss the nature, the bike rides, my home, the rooftop at sunset and under the stars, the afternoon walks, the cafes, the slow chats with new friends and reflections on train windows. It's hard for me to let go of rich moments like these but I guess it's also what gives them their sweetness.

So much left to know - see - explore - LEARN about Portugal. I think I'll be back, these's something special, magical here. But for now I'm going to soak up every last moment and remember to say thank you for everything that I feel sad to leave. 

.day 50.

I've felt so OVERWHELMED lately about the goodness of HERE and the uncertainty of THERE. I've been grabbing - holding onto the goodness because it's good and I don't know what's coming. I go to that place of non-abundance,  this is SO good something just as good or even better can't follow this, better enjoy it while it lasts. This has been a forever pattern for me in transitions and I'm just becoming aware of it in a new way.

When something wonderful happens it surprises me. I squeeze it so tight because I don't think I deserve it.

Do you ever feel that way?

I've really questioned this pattern this past week riding the rollercoaster of fear of what's coming and the joy of all the fruits of this trip. Then yesterday happened.

I have ONE WEEK left here. I have ONE jewelry classes left. I have a friend coming today to spend a few days with me in my town and then we're heading to Lisbon to meet another friend. So with the week planned out yesterday was my day to just soak up my town by myself - get ready for the week and go to my favorite places in town.  I went to my favorite store in Tavira and met the most vibrant wild woman. We instantly connected. She said she could tell I was a woman of the world when I walked in. We started talking about naturopathic medicine, places we've lived and herbal teas! I told her I was sad that I hadn't met her before now and she said that we meet everything in the right moment. I totally believe this and when she said that I knew why I connected with her because I had met her before in different manifestations. I met a version of her when I was about 13 or 14, she was a wild woman that owned a bead shop in town and also the person to teach me how to make my first pair of earrings. I was so drawn to her energy - an energy I found in myself that I hadn't understood before I saw it reflected. These wild women always come into my life in just the right moment to remind me that I am wild - today and forever, it's just who I am. When we left each other she said "estas viva!! You are alive! Don't ever lose that!"

I realized that all the goodness that I have found here is the goodness inside of myself. She was just the reminder I needed to let go on the questions that don't have answers right now and enjoy all the last moments here in Portugal.

Has something like this ever happened to you? 

.day 20.

That past few days I've felt a shift happening inside of myself. I started feeling anxious, I've been here 3 weeks now....what am I doing with my time? I'm wasting time. 3 weeks - I have these feelings like I want/need/have to change the way I make art/run my jewelry business - but how? My teacher has been so amazing to open my eyes in a new way, I look at jewelry differently now. I can't make the same pieces I was making before, but what do I want to make? I sat down yesterday and forced myself to sketch some ideas. I need to be sketching! I didn't like anything that I did. I started losing myself in these direct questions and expectations and sat with no answers for anything.

I've started reaching for/relying on these mindless loops of checking emails - did anyone write me?,  checking instagram - do people like my picture?, going to the grocery store - I should try a new recipe, not knowing what to do for the day...distracted and detached. Thus began the second wave of judgement, I am inside of a dream right now! I live in an adorable apartment in an magical town in Portugal, everything should be the best (and easy)! I wake up every morning grateful to be here but this was something moving deep inside of me. This trip is different in ways from other trips I've taken, it's been more meditative. I go out and explore the land here but I'm not on the move. I have made friends in town but I'm not trying to meet a lot of people or find the best spots in town. I spend a lot of quiet time with myself. I think all of this has allowed time and space to shift things, to feel the emerging of something. I came home from metalsmithing class last night and was planning on going to the local bar to meet people but I didn't want to go. I started feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I checked my email, instagram, blogs and made dinner. These mindless loops led me to Kyle Cease. He's part comedian/part motivational speaking, you might have seen this video go around the internet. He started this 100 day meditation challenge for himself. He meditates for around 2 hours everyday and then posts a video about what came up for him. I started watching the introduction video and totally connected to what he was saying, how we live in a world where we try to take care of/figure out things SO directly we end up getting in the way of amazing ideas. The more we relax - the more ideas come through. YES! I am pressured by time and after just enjoying my space here for the first 2 weeks (vacation/settling in phase) I've started to feel the pressure/expectation of time or lack of time and shifted my perspective from "enjoy" to "figure this out!" "where's that great idea?" "what's the detailed business plan?""why haven't you designed a new line to jewelry yet??" Such a powerful realization!! This journey here keeps reminding me to TRUST more and to be more KIND to myself. 

I started meditating today. I set an alarm for 20 minutes and went for it. I am challenging myself to meditate everyday for the rest of my time here to see what emerges. I also challenging myself to stop looking so directly at my anxieties and questions but instead to be more thoughtful with my time and fill it with things that fulfill me - to be present in this beautiful space. 

-bike rides

-blogging

-taking pictures

-trying new Portuguese recipes

-collecting things at low tide 

-making weavings from found natural objects

-do yoga

-meet local artists

-try espresso and all the cafes

-practice Portuguese

-read books

-explore the Ria Formosa area

-and more!!

.moments of AWE.

I heard Jason Silva's words, "our environment sets the stage for our experience" a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about that statement and the truth it holds for me. I've been processing SO MUCH in the past 16 days (I can't believe i've been here 16 days!!) but the process has seemed bright - fruitful - the air of potential underlines everything all because - or I believe because I wake up everyday in love with my home - my kitchen - my rooftop - my bedroom - my town - my environment. 

Today I walked down to where the river meets the ocean (my favorite place) and found 5 huge jellyfish on the beach - the fishy salty air - the cadence of the waves all layering to produce a state of AWE inside of me. I starting thinking about Jason's words and my experience the past few weeks and started to wonder...what if we lived in AWE, not all the time but if we experienced regular moments of AWE? How would it influence/affect our abilities to live/process/accept the rest, those sometimes intense/overwhelming/draining elements of life?

I have always found my most intense moments of AWE exploring/being out in nature. I can get lost in the greatness of the mountains. I remember the first time I drove on the North Cascades Highway (HWY 20) in North Central Washington and had this moment where I felt like I lost the boundaries of my body I was so overcome by the sensation of being engulfed by mountains. This past year living in Boston area I've really formed a connected to the power of the ocean. This mysterious/secretive body that changes it's appearance throughout the day - it's ruled by the cycles of the moon - and contains another world of mystical beings/creatures that it sometimes pushes ashore for us to discover/marvel in. The ocean fills me with AWE.

What does living in moments of AWE look like to you? Where do you find your AWE? How do you add it to your life?

I hope you spend sometime thinking about your source(s) of AWE and find ways to incorporate them into your daily/weekly/monthly rituals.

.day three.

I woke up feeling sick today - I felt it coming yesterday, the last few days. I am so frustrated to be sick when all I want it is to be out exploring, meeting people and digesting all the colors - texture - sounds. I text my Mom my frustrations and she reminded me of the lesson that seems to be reappearing in my life, she said "just surrender to it." I know. I need to surrender to a lot of things - this year, this little town, this project, the hold of the past, my expectations...I'm laying in bed drinking tea with my balcony doors open to the street below - just surrender.

It's so hard for me to just be but if I am going to be influenced and changed by this place and the next few weeks I have to surrender to its plan/journey/process for me.

.winter forging.

 

 I went on a walk last week and found this amazing willow tree. The yellow branches are my favorite color - so I collected some. I love watching art unfolding itself in its own time. I am finishing up my first wood project, a table and realized that these willow branches will make for a perfect natural fiber to include in the weaving. I went back today to collect more. I'm excited to share it with you, soon.

.winter solstice.

Happy happy winter S O L S T I C E! It's such a special time of year to welcome the light back to us - to plant seeds of intentions for the year to come - to sit in the darkness and unpack what the long summer days never allow us time to face.

Last solstice I spent the longest night of the year dancing in a kitchen with new and old friends until almost dawn - it was magical. I set intentions to build a community for myself in a new space - to be brave - to be authentic to myself - to acknowledge my wounds and to begin to heal. It's been a beautiful year. I'm so grateful for this liberating year of rebirth. 

This year I am trying to catch up with myself. My first full time holiday season creating and selling my jewelry has been exhilarating and exhausting - fulfilling and insightful - liberating and challenging. This solstice I am making myself take the time I need to check in and plant those seeds of intentions. I am in a different place this year - I need different things this year. 

I loved these words about solstice, “This is the time of year when we are inspired by the power of Life, the possibilities we hope for as we stand in the dark. Let the dark sink into silence so you can hear and see the Light that is being born.” via MysticMamma I keep holding on to those words, to let the dark sink into silence. There is so much I hold inside of myself if I allow myself sink into the silence - to listen. 

These are some wonderful questions to ask ourselves when we sink into silence from one of my favorite Astrologers, Chani Nicholas,

"How do I want to feel about my work, relationships, body, spiritual life/relationship with myself? What old paradigm do I want to outgrow? What life affirming feeling do I want to grow into? What bonds am I ready to free myself from? What guilt, shame and self-doubt can I lay down? What actions can I take to help my self esteem and quell my self-doubt? What self-care practices can I give to myself considering the nature of my work? How can I give that which I want to cultivate? What do I need to become more sensitive to? What might I need to have a thicker skin about? How can I grow myself up so that I am moving away from thinking that the world owes me something and towards getting curious about what I can give to it?"

Love to you and yours on this sweet winter solstice.

.morning walk.

I've been staying outside of the city for a few days. There was this magical nature trail just 2 minutes from the house - I woke up yesterday morning and went for a slow walk. It was so grounding to start the day out - observing - with no one around. I took the path to a big grassy field - I was engulfed in the sweet silence only broken by the birds calling across the field to each other. I haven't been wrapped up in silence in a long time, I need it. There's so much inspiration in the silence - in feeling overcome by a space. 

"All we need is the morning. As long as there is sunrise, then there is the possibility that we can face all of our misfortunes, celebrate all our blessings, and live all our endeavors as human beings."

Deng Ming-Dao