09 December 2013
I caught a beautiful baby boy Saturday night after a long emotional day. She came in at 5 cm and was having a hard time with contractions. It was her first baby. By the time she was 6 cm she was really discouraged and saying,"I can't do this". Her family asked if she was at-risk of having a C-section. Her partner asked if we could do anything to get the baby out, "Does it just come out on its own?". The way we hide birth in our society is infuriating to me. Childbirth education is to watch a birth - to see the struggle - the way you reach your limits and rise beyond - to understand that becoming a Mother is the greatest transition - how could it not be? We moved to the tub and she saw that she had a bulging bag of waters and she started screaming "what is it??" we told her that her baby was near. She continued to scream and said,"what do I do?" She was so frightened and disconnected from her body. After a few pushes she asked "Is there any other way?" It was so disheartening to see a young woman so distraught - so unprepared for this huge moment - so resistant to being present. She needed someone to hold her hand way before this moment of pushing. But sometimes that is life - it can be slow and steady and other times you wake up and have to decide in a moment whether you are going to step up and open that door and just sit back and let things happen to you. It was exhausting to be with this woman but also a much needed reminder that what you believe/think/direct our energy towards will become your truth.
I went for a long walk after I got off shift to let it all soak in. To remember the privilege in my life, to sit with a woman and watch her baby come into this world - with no hands - no intervention. To embrace a life that isn't stagnant. To be fiercely reminded of all the beauty right in front of me.
06 December 2013
02 December 2013
Words come just when you need them. This quote is one I've really needed for some time. So I'm letting these words/truths wash over me today - to start this week fresh/anew. All I need is to be right here. All I can do is be right here.
It seems like the past weeks have been a dizzy twirl between then-now-when. I watched a documentary that was in Africa yesterday and it took me there. I could feel the hot hot dripping sweat - the smells of the burning garbage - the view from my house on the hill - the sounds of market day - the deafening rain.
I was there. It felt so real - so beautiful.
But my only truth is here, right here - everything else is a memory or an idea.
Today, anew, alive.
01 December 2013
doesn't this look like a dream? such a beautiful ride.
have you been on any fall/winter rides lately?
living in the southwest even as the temperature decrease on most days it's clear and sunny. the other day i went riding in shorts, a t-shirt/lightweight pullover, and sunglasses. love it.
29 November 2013
28 November 2013
|thanksgiving lake chelan 2009|
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
I'm grateful for a recent reminder/realization that every day/moment is BRAND NEW!
We keep placing one foot in front of the other and after so long forget that it is always a choice. We can hop, skip, jump, run, whatever at any given moment for any given reason.
Every moment is BRAND NEW!
What does that mean for you?
Much love to you and yours.
26 November 2013
I was told 2013 would be the year of birth.
it has been all of all -
much like birth -
not at all what i expected -
much longer harder -
so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -
a personal journey -
desperate for a community -
a group consensus -
a group consensus -
i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -
that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -
to a newness.
So much loss this past year -
but with birth there is always death -
i don't know what i am
but i am here
wondering how something came be so close to my heart
remind me that i am alive
to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo
yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"
are some things too close to hold
maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance
it's not the interaction with the moment
but the moment that fills me up?
i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability
so what do you do
how do you spend your time
how do you find that fulfillment
how do you let go of the expectations
how do you define those expectations
so that you know/can figure out how to let them go
are all these emotions directing me
or am i in the process of
how can i feel so alive
and lost at the same time
how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs
are my emotions the guiding force
do i question too much
am i finally questioning enough
and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then
i am a different person now -
that thought feels weightless
and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go
to say this isn't it
to not just that but
to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path
to wake up anew
to move forward