22 July 2014

.read this out loud.

My former Zen teacher recently shared this poem. He said it might make you feel uncomfortable but I found great peace in the movement of its words. Read it out loud to yourself. What comes up? Acknowledge those feelings. Read it again. 

I found great awareness in these words. Awareness of the great preciousness and power of this life. How am I living it?

A Meditation on Death
By Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara

Close your eyes and let your body relax.
Let the body soften, let the breath come by itself.
Nothing to change, nothing to control, just breathing.
Soften the body, moment to moment, allow it to be loose, as if floating.
Allow the edges of your body to soften, to melt.
Allow your whole body, arms and legs and hands, to melt, to be at ease,
To enter that space in your heart, in your breath, that is melting, like an ice cube in water, flowing back into the fluidity of space and light.
Letting go of sensation, of the sense of the body, we float free of its constraints,
Melting, softening, ice to water, dissolving into the flow of light and space,
Becoming quieter, more at ease.
As each holding arises, we let it melt, we let our name and reputation melt, our family melt, our form melt, our holding melt into our heart and breath.
Letting go allows us to melt, to float free, to dissolve into light, into space.
Letting go of the body, releasing the body, floating freely in the light.
Safely, each thought, each emotion, each perception safely floats away, and there is space flowing into space, light into light.
No boundaries, even the breath now, slowly falling away, melting into space.
Now, floating freely as water in water, light in light, space in space,
There is no inside, no outside,
Free, completely, and utterly free, free, space, endless space,
Slowly now observe the breath,
As you realize, although many people are dying now, are letting go, you are staying, it is not yet your time.
This is realization in vast, wondrous space.
Breathe slowly, feeling freshness, peace, and come back.

20 July 2014

.a reminder.

I have been gratefully reminded of how important it is to invest in myself. To recommit to myself.

Sometimes I get so caught up moving forward, reaching out, chasing something that I forget to focus (invest) inwards. I have spent almost everyday this week in the studio making jewelry. I am so grateful to have a studio space. Taking metalsmith classes this summer has reminded me of how much fulfillment, peace and healing that making jewelry gives me.

What feeds your soul? What balances you? What helps you focus inwards??

16 July 2014

.fresh eyes.

How does our past and fear limit us? I find that I use my past and fear like a compass for the future. The past is just the past. It is no longer our reality and it will never be a reality again. What is it that makes us hold so tight to what once was? Is it a conditioning to think that if that is then it will be again. BUT we are changing with our environment in every moment. What is to come will never be what was. What can we do to remind ourselves of this? To remain open? That this moment always presents a new opportunity. Maybe it won't look like what we thought it would. It will most likely be nothing like we thought but that doesn't indicate anything other than our narrow expectations. 

To start each day with fresh eyes. How do you keep fresh eyes? What helps you to trust (be present)? To free yourself of expectations?

09 July 2014

.who is on your list.

I was listening to Dr. Brene Brown this morning talk about vulnerability and shame. She was talking about the "tightrope" of vulnerability saying,  "When we don't care at all what others think we lose our ability to connect, when we are defined by what people think we lose the courage to be vulnerable." I had to think about this for a long time and even still I am processing this - how this truth has affected me. I have fallen off both sides of this tightrope. Disconnecting with the world to guard myself from being wounded further and then chasing the validation of others. So how do we "walk this tightrope"? Brene told that she keeps a small piece of paper in her wallet, 1x1 inch and on it are the names of the people in her life whose opinion truly matter. She told an example of a make up artist asking if she had ever thought about botox for her wrinkles, this comment opened up a lot of insecurities of body image for her. Then when she got home her husband said "you look so beautiful today" and she immediately put her walls up thinking, oh you are just saying that because you love me...your opinion does count. WOW. Have you even thought something like that? I have. I have given so much of my energy/value to a stranger and then when someone I love who meets me in vulnerability I put all my walls up and discredit their words. Why? Why am I closing off myself to the person/people that should be on that tiny little list? Why do I so quickly give all of my value to the currency of an acquaintance? When these moments arise (and they SO often do!!) Brene says she asks herself if that person is on her list as a reference to her reaction.

This point of reference is bringing up so much for me. I am starting to realize that I keep falling off both sides so quickly - from disconnect to wide open - that I haven't made myself conscious of my list. Have I ever consciously made a list? I don't think so. I think I unconsciously have a list but is that even true with my life in this moment? 

Which brings up another point to this thought? Who is on your list? What happens when my list changes and I don't mentally/emotionally acknowledge this? How does this affect my ability to connect and be vulnerable with my world? How does this affect my perception of self? 

How is THIS perpetuating my falling off of the tightrope?

p.s. If you haven't heard Dr. Brene Brown before her TED talk is a great starting point.

06 July 2014

.right here.

My mind wanders so easily
from ego
from fear
from my insecurities
pulling me from this moment
to another time - place - reality
holding me so tightly to then
yet when I come back to now
to fully sit in this moment
right here
everything aligns
to here
no wants
no judgments
no fear
just here
the cool wave of peace washing over me
the rich texture of love drying me off
then opening my eyes to see the refreshing

05 July 2014

.fourth of july.

Thank you Universe for reminding me that good things come when you put yourself out there. I am so grateful to be in a new city for the summer and for the chance to meet and connect with people.