17 August 2016

I've been reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo everyday (so good!!) and something from yesterday's entry really spoke to me, it said "only rarely have I let go completely, yet those moment of total surrender have throughly changed my life." "When lonely and afraid to reach out, I have somehow collapsed repeatedly into the ocean of another's love, and it cleansed my weary heart." I found those words to hold such a beautiful vulnerability, to "collapse repeatedly into the ocean of another's love" I thought about how rare it is for me let go enough to collapse into another's love.

I started thinking about why I keep it all in.
I started thinking about all the things I've learned - absorbed!
The quietness that I have claimed - the weakness - the obedience - the fear.

I realized that in order to collapse into the ocean of another's love I have to choose myself! I have to  start saying I know what is best - that I know what I need - that I deserve all the goodness that is before me.  TO CHOOSE myself! TO RESIDE inside myself with a deep rootedness. TO STOP choosing fear.

I went to Walden Pond yesterday and swan and read and sunbathed and then walked around the pond. I've been going on walks lately trying to pay attention more - observe/absorb. Every time I find so much beauty in the decaying tress - the gaping bark - the hollow trunks - to see the cycle of life/death/regeneration/repurpose - the flow of life in such a tangible way.

07 August 2016

.camping in maine.

I love Maine in summertime. I've only been a handful of times but I fell in the love the first time I went last year. There's this energy of Maine that is so intriguing to me - it's secretive and undiscovered nature. The towns are so quiet, the houses are so old, the summer season is so short, the roads are two-lanes and so windy. You can't go anywhere fast - even with no traffic. No one minds, they just drive slower or boat there or walk there or bike there or canoe there - everyone is exploring. I wonder if it's because the summer is so short or just the type of people that call Maine home but everyone is out - connecting to the land of Maine. 

I went to a new place this year - a small town named Richmond, just north of Portland. We took a right off the highway and drove for a longtime on a two-laned road I was wondering if this is the right way then a few houses with big lots started to appear and then one gas station with a fried chicken fast food and Dunkin Donuts in it, this must be it. It's funny in these rural town how the gas stations can be all-in-one town centers. We drove a little more and there it appeared, the adorable downtown of Richmond. It's just about two blocks long right on the railroad tracks with a bakery, post office, library, ice cream shop and restaurant. Most of the buildings are from the 1800s, I always wonder how these little towns keep running? What's it like in winter? Life is slow here and I don't image much changes. Maine seems to give me so many questions. The end of downtown stops right at the banks of the Kennebec river and the boat loading dock. Our camp site was on Swan Island so we had to canoe over since the ferry (small boat) stopped running at 3pm that day. It was dusk and the mosquitos were coming out in hordes. We eased into the murky river and paddled against the current. We paddled across the river to hang close to the edge of Swan island right along the edge of the swaying freshwater grass. 

The Kennebec river is fascinating with the current getting pulled and pushed by the ocean's tide, the water levels can change by several feet during the day and makes for an interesting plant life, it looks almost marsh-like in places with the entire Swan Island bordered by freshwater grasses. 

It was dark at this point and I was wondered as we were curving around the east side of the island if we would be able to see the boat dock for the campsite. With the darkness and current it took us about 45 mins but we found it. The night sky was so dark and no one was in the camping area except for us, we were greeted by that deep deep silence of Maine. There is such healing/peaceful powers in that deep deep silence. We slept under the bright blanket of stars and woke up to the hot summer sun. I haven't felt the rhythms of the life without buildings - highways - lights for so long - it felt so good. 

Swan Island was inhabited several times between the 1700s-late 1800s until the land was ultimately bought by the State of Maine in the early 1900s so it has many houses on it still from the different owners and settlements. We read the histories of the people that once lived on Swan Island - the first family of settlers that  were captured by the Abenaki Indians and sold as slaves across the border in Canada. The next wave logging the land leading wide open meadows on the island. Another wave of settlers serving off of selling ice from the Kennebec River until refrigeration became a household things. With not many resources people didn't stay long on the Island but their houses are still there today as a reminder of their stories.

We hiked and canoed and even swan in the murky dark waters of the Kennebec - SUMMER. I hope you are exploring your lands and reading histories and seeking dark night skies and feeling that deep deep silence. 

27 July 2016

.let go.

I had the most beautiful dream last night, I was swimming in deep blue ocean waters. The water was calm and I was far out from shore. I would feel nervous and then reminded myself in that moment to just let go and relax - enjoy the peace - allow the salty waters to hold me up. 

I found this quote in an old notebook yesterday, "Try to do everything in the world with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." Achaean Chah

I'm almost all packed up at my place. I don't usually stay any one place too long but I've been living in this house for over a year and a half! I'm moving out this weekend and I think it might feel strange to not sleep in this room - not in a way that I'll miss it but in the comfort of being able to bike home with my eyes closed, a feeling I haven't had in a long time. When transitions come I get nervous right before the movement happens - that last minute doubt - hold on to something feeling. I'm moving out and going to be nomadic again for another 6 or so weeks. I'm ready to live somewhere but also, I need to remind myself that I know how to do this - how to float and live out of a backpack - find inspiration in the lightness. To take this open door and embrace it knowing that I'm moving towards something I've never had before, a rootedness but for the next little bit I'm open and free! To make having fun a priority - to let go a lot or completely.

What is this summer bring for you?

20 July 2016

.full moon in capricorn.

I had a visit from an old lesson yesterday - I was mad and frustrated to meet again. To realize I have to try again - try harder - try differently. I have to learn my patterns. To realize that I (have and still) am going to travel this road over and over again until it teaches me all I need to digest it - to release it. 

Yesterday I realized the pattern (lesson) and saw how holding onto the guilt of expectation - of not voicing my needs breaks down my flow and disconnects myself from reality. I was so annoyed at myself for being in this situation, being able to see in the moment the clear (disconnected) steps I took to reach this very place. Then I remembered what a friend who does body work recently told me, we have to feel it to heal it. Yes! 

Last night was the full moon in capricorn bring up these under unresolved issues. Mystic mamma said "the Full Moon’s promise is that if you can fess up to reality and see what hides in the darkness, you’ll have a better chance of conjuring up a strategy to overcome it." 

We have to go thru - not around to get where we are going. We feel it. 
That moment of stagnant energy. 
That moment of guilt. 
That moment of not being true to ourselves - only lead us where we need to go. 

To see these moments as the beautiful (uncomfortable) truths that we are alive and learning (unlearning) ourselves over and over again. Be kind to yourself.

14 July 2016

.AEO sale.

I'm moving out of my apartment this month and making studio space for the new collection coming soon so I decided to have an AEO sale on all the fiber necklaces. All necklaces are now only $25 and $20. This is a very special sale!! Be sure to check out all the necklaces in the AEO etsy shop now!

.words to live by.

"Most things break instead of transform because they resist. The quiet miracle of love is that without our interference, it, like water, accepts whatever is tossed or dropped or placed into it, embracing it completely.”

“Of course, we are human and are easily hurt if not loved back or if loved poorly. But we waste so much of life’s energy deliberating who and what shall be worthy of our love when in the deepest elemental sense, these choices are not in our province, anymore than rain can choose what it shall fall upon.”

“Certainly we need to make decisions: Who will I spend my time with? Who will I learn from? Who will I live with? Who will I marry? 

“But beneath all that, the element of love doesn’t stop being elemental. It does not stop covering everything before it. And over a lifetime, the pain of withholding this great and quiet force is more damaging than the pain of being rejected or loved poorly.”

“For love, like water can be dammed, but toward what end?”

“In truth, the more we let love flow through, the more we have to love. This is the inner glow that sages and saints of all ages seem to share: the wash of their love over everything before them; not just people, but birds and rocks and flowers and air.”

“Beneath the many choices we have to make, love, like water, flows back into the world through us. It is the one great secret available to all. 

“Yet somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around. As water soaks scars, love soothes our wounds.”

“If opened up to, love will accept the angrily thrown stone, and our small tears will lose some of their burn in the great ocean of tears, and the arrow released to the bottom of the river will lose its point.”

~Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have


Yesterday I resisted so many things that came my way - I made a decision to resist a situation in the morning and that seemed to setup the rest of my day to follow this pattern. I got irritated - made mistakes - didn't listen - disconnected. I was so drained from the day but decided to go to my Wednesday dance class, it always helps move energy. The class gave me the ability to get back into a state of flow - I can't resist in flow. At some point in towards the middle of the class I looked up at the high ceilings and saw the most magical big shadows dancing on the walls. It was such a beautiful reminder that I can change my perspective - my experience - my energy in any moment. I had read this words about love/flow in the morning but I couldn't understand them and then I read them again when I got home last night and found such beauty in them. Let love flow, always.

06 July 2016

.studio views.

I have totally fallen in love with carving wax. Here are some pictures from the studio the past few weeks, working on the next collection, connection.