.day 30.

I've realized that my time here is to absorb - collect - be. I have so many questions and no answers. I just keep reminding myself to just be grateful for the questions and their answers will come in their own time. I'm a triple fire sign. I'm impulsive. I'm passionate. I'm social. This time here has been isolating in a really nourishing and challenging way. It's building a new awareness inside of me. On my bike ride the phrase "I reside here" came into my mind. I didn't know where it came from at first but then I realized all this time - space - solitude has made me realize how much I leap from myself. How much I reach - strive - outwards - away from myself. 

I reside here. 
A reminder to myself to stay home - right here - inside of myself.

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep and an idea, a design came into my mind that holds to essence of this truth. I'm going to sketch them out today on my commute to the studio. I'm excited to see how they evolve.

.n e w m o o n in libra.

"*NEW* MOON in Libra is here continuing to bring the energy of balance and attuning us to the nuances that mirror where change needs to occur. 

Our medicine for these times is self-love, forgiveness, and an active awareness in rewiring our unconscious responses into more conscious expressions of our truest Self. 

Opportunities abound so let’s summon patience and kindness for all."

“Listen with an open mind; speak from your truth. Let appreciation, kindness, and clarity define your connection to others."

via mysticmamma.com

.silent truths.

There are quiet random moments thay remind me I have been stripped of everything - this has been my greatest gift and greatest challenge. And then I heard myself say:

Dive into yourself and see what you discover. 
Stop saying sorry. 
Be kind to yourself and to other but don't give away yourself. 
Take jumps off of cliffs but also sit alone in the forest. 
Let the sun warm your soul but be brave to truly feel the bitter cold. 
Love freely - openly, don't rely on your selfish heart - find a path to that deep well of love that never judges or runs dry. Find the deepest love and gratitude for yourself and be honored at any love that comes from outside - without expectations. 

Find peace in impermanence. 
Find forgiveness in impermanence. 
Find roots in impermanence.

.broken.

There's something broken inside of me.
I know the crack has been there for some time.
A small crack.
Maybe there were a few small cracks.
But this impact - this moment - those words hit and I felt the crack growing - expanding - running
as soon as I said "it's cracking!!" everything seemed to shatter.
I said "it's broken - it BROKE"
but no one answered - no one was there - maybe no one heard
Panic crashed over me
broke
broken
only when the panic washed away I realized I wasn't broken
I was breaking open
expanding

growing

birthing

blooming

closer to myself - me.

.lake michigan.

My flight over Lake Michigan really memorized me this time, it's vastness and depth. I have been working on a new series of jewelry pieces for the past few months, slowly evolving and emerging from the experiences of my long cold isolating winter in Boston. The series is called "unveiling truths" and the pieces hold an ambiguity, they might feel unfinished or lacking - illustrating the process of how we find truths inside, sitting and waiting to be grasped. I really connected with these thoughts I have been forming and chewing on when I flew over Lake Michigan last week. The depth of the lake - this false sense of knowing something and as soon as I hold onto that I loose it only to then gain a new perspective (truth) of what it is (appears to be) - like the depth of the lake. As soon as I think I see the bottom I realize I am barely below the surface - such as our own knowledge of self (truths) as soon as we hold onto something it evaporates are we are left only with the truth of more questions - constantly unveiling themselves. 

I realize the only thing I can hold onto are the question marks. 

--------------------------------------------
p.s. I'll be sharing pieces of the "unveiling truth" series soon. Stay tuned!! 

.full moon in sagittarius.

A beautiful challenging journey just ended for me Tuesday night on the full moon in Sagittarius. Sometimes life can be so confusing and then these delicately poetic moments appear. That was Tuesday night. Surrounded by my family of teens that I have spent the last 9 months with - growing and learning together it was like a beautiful empowering birth that gave all those moments of confusion meaning, I just couldn't see it at the time. 

So grateful for this journey I am on and all the transitions that give me so much energy and love when I let go of them. I tend to associate time with success or longevity with success so experiences like this, 9 months seem like they need more - more time - more purpose - more substance but that's not true. Time has no correlation with value. I don't have the words to express what it was like to sit in a space with these beautiful beings last night and hear them share stories of being inspired by one another. People that outside of this space would have no connection to each other - they all represent such different worlds and yet here right here they all opened up challenged themselves - made themselves vulnerable to experience life in such a big way at 16-17-18 year olds! To dive blindly off that cliff. The determination and passion of humans is such an astounding gift to experience. I have the honor of watching these individuals blindly jump off of a cliff and figure out how to land. I am most grateful for these months/moments and for the calming reassurance that this is my path this is my journey- to find a challenge surrender to it. To build community - challenge norms and live my truth!! 

Happy full moon (a few days late!!) to you! I hope this dreamy moon is highlighting all the beauty in your truths.

.on that block, again.

I realized this week I'm on that block again. You know that block. The one you keep walking again and again...but usually I think I am on a different block. Something starts to feel familiar but I think I can't be here again...this is different. I let go of that habit and would never walk that block again...but sure enough Thursday evening I was laying on my back in small office room with one of those generic canvas pictures of a mystical foggy tree lined street hanging on the wall receiving an acupuncture treatment and I realized, yep I am right there, again. I am on that block and I've been on it for awhile! I am a stubborn learner!

I am stressed. I've been stressed. I've been holding onto my stress like a dear companion. I've been treating stress like it's an inspirational motivator for me. I have had a overflowing work schedule for the past few weeks and a huge jewelry opportunity and both events are culminating within 12 hours of each other!! So I am working two full-time job to manage both. It's overwhelming which leads to a lack of focus at work and making mistakes in the studio. BUT for some reason I found myself on that block again. That block that says, "holding on to those unrealistic expectations and the stress that accompanies them will make you MORE productive!" This has never ever ever been true. I have tried it many times, holding on to that stress - forcing things - only finding myself depleted when the moment arrives. Instead of, acknowledging my unrealistic expectations - letting them (and the stress that companions them) go - allowing myself to focus on what I am doing, right here - where I am.

I told my acupuncturist all of this, she just smiled and said "all we can hope is to continue to recognize that block (pattern) a little sooner next time, until some day we learn to totally avoid it."

Do you have blocks (patterns) that you frequent? How do you recognize them? What allows you to acknowledge and let go of them?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the studio last night and started working on a piece and realized sometimes we just have to walk into and through path/block/pattern -in order to recognize it - in order to take the power away - in order to realize that is apart of the process.

.getting lost.

Yesterday I was working in a neighborhood that I’ve never been to before and because of this I had to take a new way home. I looked at the map before I left I assumed I would be able to figure it out, this is typical of me to assume I can figure it out. I can figure it out – it just almost always takes more time than I expect. I am an Aries so I need to figure things out for myself even if it is frustrating or takes more time. SO typical me moment, I started riding home and after about a mile of riding I began to feel like I wasn’t going the right direction anymore…thankfully some kind man stopped riding to redirect me. Since I rode past the original path I was on a different bike path that ended up being a conservation byway. It was beautiful – lush and green – running parallel with the Charles river. The view looked like I had been transported to the swampy south with the low hanging trees and the brimming river. Beautiful.

This has been a stressful week – there are transitions happening in my life with tight deadlines – I needed to “get lost” – I needed to just go for a bike ride and enjoy the view. If we (I) stop ourselves (myself) from reacting when plans/expectations stray the anticipated course we (I) can find some beautiful lessons/moments/ events RIGHT when we (I) need them.

Always trust that the Universe is taking care of you and giving you what you need.

So grateful.

.t h i r t y o n e.

"Life always gives us
exactly the teacher we need
at every moment.
This includes every mosquito,
every misfortune,
every red light,
every traffic jam,
every obnoxious supervisor (or employee),
every illness, every loss,
every moment of joy or depression,
every addiction,
every piece of garbage,
every breath.

Every moment is the guru.”

- Charlotte Joko Beck

You know that feeling when you wake up from a vivid dream holding onto it and the moment you are fully awake it's gone except for the feelings it gave you?

I feel BIG movement happening in my life right now - ideas/perspectives/priorities are shifting (emerging). The newness - new perspective - new insight was whispered to me in the middle of the night - it's inside of me - but when I try to tell it the words stop right at the tip of my tongue.

I always write a blog post on my birthday - as a moment to reflect of the past year and looking forward to the next. I turned thirtyone 18 days ago! I start to write a post and find myself wanting to say something different. and I am not sure what to say or where to start.

As doors are closing in my life there are doors opening, which is a beautiful gift because in my life it always seems like the opening and closing tend to come in phases but in this moment it seems to all be happening simultaneously. Although, instead of finding gratitude for the opening doors I keep holding onto the hurt - rejection of the closing doors.

Why do I do this?
There are beautiful doors opening up for me. Doors offering opportunities that I have spent years trying to manifest in my life - yet - I find myself stuck in this cycle of loss. Then last night I realized something. I realized that I am holding onto those closing doors because it's a distraction - because if I hold onto those closing doors then I don't have to take that risk - that jump - that leap that the opening doors require of me. It's scary and unknown - they require my authentic self.

When I acknowledge these emotions and uncertainties I realize that really all the opening and closing are connected. That the closed doors aren't illuminating my weaknesses - they are pushing me towards the open doors - towards the pathway of following my heart - passion - my art. The Universe is saying "I am not going to give you any other options - GO FOR IT." Beautiful.

I hope you are able to see all the doors opening in your life right now.
Embracing them.
Allowing yourself to realize that YOU DESERVE the open doors.
GO FOR IT.

.practicing vulnerability.

I had one of those classic me moments last week

one of those moments that make me feel uncomfortable - exposed - embarrassed - vulnerable

one of those moments that make me want to pack up from here and...

...dive into a new project

...hold onto or aspire towards a role or title

...forget myself

one of those moments that retell that old story of "you knew it wasn't safe to share yourself - keep those walls up! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

but this time I listen to that old story and then I let it go

I didn't hold onto it

I just sat down right there with all those feelings!!

this time I acknowledged those feelings

this time I decided I was going to stay.

It is so hard for me to be vulnerable

I have been so conditioned NOT to be vulnerable

I am trying to practice vulnerability

I am trying to learn how to be more vulnerable

When I put down those walls (my guard) for a moment if it's not reciprocated, and there are going to be so many times I show my vulnerability that it will not be met with vulnerability because we have been taught that is our weakness.

I was listening to a great podcast, on being with Brene Brown where she said “we desperately want to connect with each other and with that vulnerability is the VERY first thing we look for in the other person and the VERY last thing we want to show of ourselves” so much truth in those words.

And it’s that moment that I am not met in vulnerability I start replay that tired old story all over again...but I am writing a new story - the real story.

Which is that it in those very small sweet tender moments I share my truest of self.

It is in those small moments that I am fiercely courageous.

It is in those small moments that I am growing and learning about my authentic self the most.

It is in those small moments that I am giving myself the greatest gift - to be open/connect/love and accept/receive/be love.

It doesn't mean that being vulnerable even for a second doesn't still make me scared/embarrassed/anxious but I am finding courage in the new story.

I hope you are finding a new story. new courage. new connections.

.expectations.

Expectations.

Always seem to sneak up into my mind without me even noticing. This weekend I was still on the mend from the flu and embracing this cold weather I delved into myself and spent 14 hours between Saturday and Sunday in the jewelry studio working on a new collection that is slowly revealing itself to me. It's really magical to watch the process unfold and feel myself tense up and let go as the  pieces morph into what they will become. BUT expectations. Saturday right in the middle of that strong free flowing river of creative energies something occurred that made my body tense up, heart sink and my eye well up. The shift in energy was so dramatic. 

What happened?

I knew exactly what happened. I didn't get what I wanted. I gave something with hidden expectations. When it was returned NOT in the way I wanted I gave it all my disappointment/energy. This is a thing that I do. I keep looking outside. I keep grabbing onto something. I keep doing things for something. I woke up this morning and was graciously reminded that nothing is going to come back in the exact way that I want/need/expect. By giving out all my good energies with expectations I only end up draining myself.

Stop running away from myself. Stop searching outside of myself.

When I acknowledge that love/validation can only be found inside of myself ONLY then I can appreciate anything that IS given to me as gift - love. To truly realize that I am receiving the best that can be given (which will most likely be different than I want/expect) in that moment  - the best, that is beautiful. 

Oh winter I don't know if you have even taught me so many lessons.
Much Love.

.weather for the soul.

a central washington winter a few years ago.

I woke up this morning to a broken furnace and no heat at my house. The outside temperature was 1 degree. One degree. I am not a winter person. I’ll take a summer day any day – everyday.

I was complaining about the weather to a friend who is a New England native and they said, this weather is for the development of the soul. It stopped my words and made me think. The development of the soul? I've been thinking about those words today and realized the truth in them. The way in which winter/bitter cold forces me to dive into myself/move slower/just be in a way that I find so challenging.

In this way winter offers a gift to me that the fun lightness/energy/fun of summer never could. I rode my bike to work yesterday, it was 16 degrees. I've never ridden my bike in weather colder than 20 degrees. It was a shocking stinging pain despite all the layers. I found a new level of endurance and mind over matter in the cadence of the ride, a determination and focus that I had to access.

And then I read this quote in another blog this morning:

“When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. . . . Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.”

- Hermann Hesse

All thoughts flowing together, all we have is this moment. Express gratitude for the elements that help us dive inside to that place to better understand “home”, to develop our souls or open our eyes to new layers of awareness. Whatever words you associate with the process of understanding all the things we don’t understand.

Much love to you all.

Stay warm and embrace the season. 

.who is on your list.

I was listening to Dr. Brene Brown this morning talk about vulnerability and shame. She was talking about the "tightrope" of vulnerability saying,  "When we don't care at all what others think we lose our ability to connect, when we are defined by what people think we lose the courage to be vulnerable." I had to think about this for a long time and even still I am processing this - how this truth has affected me. I have fallen off both sides of this tightrope. Disconnecting with the world to guard myself from being wounded further and then chasing the validation of others. So how do we "walk this tightrope"? Brene told that she keeps a small piece of paper in her wallet, 1x1 inch and on it are the names of the people in her life whose opinion truly matter. She told an example of a make up artist asking if she had ever thought about botox for her wrinkles, this comment opened up a lot of insecurities of body image for her. Then when she got home her husband said "you look so beautiful today" and she immediately put her walls up thinking, oh you are just saying that because you love me...your opinion does count. WOW. Have you even thought something like that? I have. I have given so much of my energy/value to a stranger and then when someone I love who meets me in vulnerability I put all my walls up and discredit their words. Why? Why am I closing off myself to the person/people that should be on that tiny little list? Why do I so quickly give all of my value to the currency of an acquaintance? When these moments arise (and they SO often do!!) Brene says she asks herself if that person is on her list as a reference to her reaction.

This point of reference is bringing up so much for me. I am starting to realize that I keep falling off both sides so quickly - from disconnect to wide open - that I haven't made myself conscious of my list. Have I ever consciously made a list? I don't think so. I think I unconsciously have a list but is that even true with my life in this moment? 

Which brings up another point to this thought? Who is on your list? What happens when my list changes and I don't mentally/emotionally acknowledge this? How does this affect my ability to connect and be vulnerable with my world? How does this affect my perception of self? 

How is THIS perpetuating my falling off of the tightrope?

p.s. If you haven't heard Dr. Brene Brown before her TED talk is a great starting point.

.mi fuerza.

Saturday I was first up to "catch" at the clinic. I ended up having two back to back long labor sits. The first one was 12 hours long and when she reached our time limit (state laws and midwifery practices don't agree or make sense most of the time!) we had to transfer her care to the hospital it was awkward - sad - frustration - isolating. But since I didn't "catch" I was back up again and at 12:50am another third time Mama came and things looked to be going quickly but the third baby is always a wild card. She was also a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) which meant I had to check fetal heart tones every 15 mins. And after 6 hours and 24 rounds and no sleep she requested to be transferred to the hospital because she had been in labor for 3 days and she was tired (and in need of family support that wasn't there).

It was my longest shift - emotionally and physically. I came home and drank a big mug of calming skullcap tea and slept for a few hours. 

It's always a strange feeling - a day after shift - an incomparable haze that comes over you. You have to move your body no matter how tired you are - the key to success. So Bianchi and I headed out to explore a bike trail on the westside. 

The sun was setting and there was even a few trees changing colors - an almost fall evening. It was beautiful and cleared my mind. I was thinking about the day - the night - the shift and realized through these uncomfortable - unsure - cumbersome - clumsy moment that I'm slowly realizing all my abilities.

In the weakest of moments is when I only begin to find my strength.

estoy encontrando mi fuerza.

and once again remember that it is the fragility of life that makes it all that more beautiful.

.breathing into now.

I am finding a new energy - a new lightness in these fresh days of late october. maybe it's the changing of the seasons that brings new birth - it doesn't even matter. that is actually what is disguising what really matters  - my urge to classify and categorize it all. understanding this moment by contrasting it with the seemingly blissful or melancholic deviation from the past or the ecstatic vibrant potential of  the future neither of which are real. the only thing we will ever have is now - this very moment.
breathe into - authenticity.
feel the sensations of now.

and in words better than my own,

"Carried away…toward a future of sensations foretold, he tried to draw out the voluptuous sap of the present moment, to enjoy those moments that would never come back, fully conscious of that which rendered them fragile. He told himself, as he had frequently done before…that most of the moments that make up our life would be delightful if they were not shadowed by the future or the past, and that usually we are miserable only by virtue of what we remember or what we expect."    

–Marguerite Yourcenar, “The First Evening,” p. 25

so much to be grateful for - so much peace to be found/understood in the impermanence of life. 

love to you right here and now.

.new beginnings.

Today was the first day of class. I'm officially a midwifery student. 

The day was powerful and intense. I found my mind drifting between scared out of my mind to overflowing with joy. We had a ceremonial sister circle to start the day to welcome this new beginning by sharing our stories. It was fulfilling and draining to hear it all and to be present (vulnerable) through it all (we don't offer do that.). One Midwife shared that it was the death of her Mother that brought her to Midwifery. 

The complex connection between strength and weakness, life and death, I felt it. I feel it. 

I thought about the loss that I have experienced this past year. That loss has been the preparation (rebirth) - the vulnerability to be at a place to say "YES, I'll leave it all behind". It still hurts/aches/throbs when I try to hold onto it. When I get lost in the then versus the now. 

When I try to change it. 
When I won't let it be (go). 

I wouldn't have been able to say yes without the striping of some very strong pillars that have been in my life. Some of those pillars are gone, transformed, or at least not main weight barriers anymore. It's beautiful and painful. 

There is so much death in this rebirth and some much rebirth in this dead. 

So much love to each and every one of you.

.new roots.

The Uni-verse is truly amazing when you put yourself out there.

I just wrote about the process and place I am in right now then last night my new neighbor invited me over for dinner. An Italian volunteer working to restructure the Teacher Training Program, Flaminia she is a beautiful long lean empowered woman with flowing brown hair, deep true eyes, and holds an air of the world. After months of dinner dates with a 5 and 7 year old, it was nice to have company. We ate pasta with a tomato sauce and wine. I was wondering if I was still in Malawi…but I’ll save the delicious details for another time.

She has spent many years living in Africa. So we spent most of the night talking about finding that place, a place to belong, a place of contentment, a place to grow. The more I travel and live the less I can find “home”. Wenatchee (where I grew up) is a place of warmth and great comfort, but home isn’t a physical place to me anymore. Yet still in all the places I have lived, I have found a sense of “home” but at some point it doesn’t fit anymore. I told her maybe I just haven’t found the balance yet to which she poetically replied, “Maybe we just need to flow. Life is a process that comes in phases. We have to be in tune to ourselves to know when to move on.” I wanted to just hold on to those words. I have so much fear and self doubt about my lack of ability to grow roots and build a “home” but maybe those doubts and fears are just the imposed values of society.

My home and roots are alive and strong, they just span from the Pacific Northwest to Mexico to Ecuador to Malawi, growing love and light.

Maybe all these transitions are challenging because of that, I’ve rooted myself. I have connected.
Maybe I’m already home? 

                         I’m so grateful for the (much needed) fierce reminder that we are beautiful. 

Life is beautiful.

.growing pains.

““Now,” he thought, “that all these transitory things have slipped away from me again, I stand once more beneath the sun as I once stood as a small child. Nothing is mine, I know nothing, I possess nothing, I have learned nothing…” He had to smile again. Yes, his destiny was strange! He was going backwards, and now he stood empty and naked and ignorant in the world. But he did not grieve about it no, he even felt a great desire to laugh, to laugh at himself, to laugh at this strange, foolish world”
                                                                                                                     Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

What is it about being here that makes me forget it? My strengths, my desires, my beauty, my fierce nature, my loyal heart. I feel like I’ve lost my footing. Then again I’m shedding my old ways, old clothes, old flesh – so with this BIRTH – NEWNESS in matters of the heart, I feel weak. I need to remember that this IS the process, the growing pains.
  
I can feel it all – thank goodness. I am human. I am alive. APPRECIATE my feelings. RELISH this chance to grow. EXPOSE MYSELF – CONNECT – CHALLENGE a normal LIFE.

I had two new but dear friends over for an impromptu dinner party on Monday night. We ate nsima and beans by candlelight (well, there really isn’t any other options at my powerless house) and sipped fresh lime cocktails while chatting about philosophy, the Dalai Lama, culture, ideas...I felt so connected. They truly fed my soul. We ended the night lying on my “lawn” on a grass woven mat taking in the magnitude of the night sky and watching for shooting stars (I saw 5!). It was so beautiful and powerful- to connect with the world, connect with another soul, to allow the present moment be ENOUGH. I’m grateful. I hope you too are finding sweet moments like this in your life. 

Love to each and every one of you.


p.s. have you read Siddhartha? it's a beautiful read, one of my faves actually.

.t w e n t y e i g h t.

Some days I feel stronger, more authentic, more vibrant, and more conscious than I’ve ever felt in my entire life and then there are many moments I’m lost, crushed, weak, confused, and powerless. But then I'm beginning to think maybe those are all one. The more lost I become the more aware of myself I am, the weaker I feel the more connected I am to this soil beneath my feet and the breath of air in my lungs, maybe the more confused I get the most likely I am to let the uni-verse direct me. Maybe just maybe less of me is more.

I feel beautiful in this moment of life, this celebration of 28 years.

I came across this the other day and found it fitting for a birthday reflection:
“Remember: YOU get to decide what’s true for you. So - What does your heart want? What is your soul yearning for? Can you step into a new story and not allow what others think to hold you back?”

These are powerful questions to me, to enunciate the wants and ways of my heart. Through this journey I’ve seen light and dark – near and far, in the known and unknown, in the beautiful and ugly, in the moment and the memory. It’s ever changing and all encompassing. I’ve come to realize that I can’t find my heart’s wants in the tangible.

I want to be present, I want a connection, I want a freedom, I want strength in myself to repeal the energy from outside. I want to anchor my sailboat with my own means and look out with my eyes to see the view. I want to dispose of my labels and judgments. I want my words to have weight. I want to greet you with an open heart, share myself in a new light, a new truth. 

This year brings more experiences in Malawi, the aspiration of farming my grandpa’s orchard with my sister (more on that later...), and the thoughts of midwifery in my future. I am grateful.

Much love to you all always.

.give and take.

Despite it all: time, history, change, it’s still the same. We are still dependent on them…

I had one of the most refreshing, disheartening, authentic conversations today since I’ve arrived in Malawi. (note to self: once again this is further proof that when I open myself to life the uni-verse rewards me.) I was sitting enjoying some nsima (corn porridge) and nyemba (beans) my go-to Malawian dish (there’s not really many other choices but seriously I love beans!!). When Moffat, a familiar face invited himself to sit at my table (remember Malawians are friendly. Haha!). Moffat works with Save The Children in Machinga District before that he was working Family Planning International, he knows how “the system” works. We had a friendly lunch chatting about America vs. Malawi, America vs. UK, Malawi’s challenges, the fuel crisis, lack of rain…the “cruise control” convo as I like to call it. 

His cousin lives in the UK, a college educated man but makes his wages working at an assisted living house now. It’s not good work he says but his cousin was able to buy 3 trucks, and a Mercedes Benz for his wife (here in Malawi). That’s making it (right?). He then began to compare his cousin’s work (although unattractive and someone demeaning for an educated man) to his work professional, esteemed work within his field of expertise yet in the same sense demeaning and challenging in its own right.

Let me explain, Save the Children is currently working in 4 of the 14 TAs (traditional authorities) in Machinga District and this year will be expanding to 7 TAs. Yet, there’s no plan (budget) of expanding the labor force. It’s still just Moffat working in more areas with more results (numbers) tracing behavior change (are you kidding me?! Is that even possible?). Donors are patting themselves on the back with the year end reports of increase numbers. We are SAVING Africa!! But what’s the reality behind those numbers? It’s just Moffat running around the district managing too many projects to actually be impactful, forced to live in a town 6 hours away from his family, and trying to collect numbers of behavior change. I then understood the appeal of the job at the assisted living house, at least you would have something to show.

Despite it all: time, history, change, it’s still the same. We are dependent on them…

The donors come in (and there are a lot of donors. Honestly without donor’s there wouldn’t be ART, Gloves, Testing Supplies, vehicles, basically you can name it…) with these “wants/motivations” to “help” and yet it’s still the same mentality. “This is MY money. I’ll give you MY money but you have to do x,y, and z! I know how to SAVE Africa.” So what happens? Malawians become dependent on donors, on them. Are you really helping or is it just modern slavery? I’m sorry if this is coming off harsh or radical but honestly I aggravated, I’m outraged, I’m sadden by the reality that I am coming to face. I sincerely don’t know how Malawians do it. How do they keep the hope that “maybe tomorrow”. But then is there a choice for the voiceless? 

I’ve been so shallow and overflowing with privilege to get upset when a random person comes up to say/ask “give me my money”. What more do they know? That’s what we’ve taught them. Sit, stay, be nice, and maybe someone will help you out. 

Where do we begin to change this? Have we so quickly forgotten the capacity we hold inside, that we, humans are all uniquely made beings with more abilities than we can grasp? 

Some days (most days) I just want to run home because it’s exhausting facing/living/understanding these truths of the motherland, but not today. Today I went to the grand opening of a Guardian Shelter (where families stay when loved ones are in the hospital). It was funded by USAID, the Ambassador came and of course Peace Corps wanted me to go wave and do a PR tour with them. Fine by me! It was my first time to go to an authentic village. The village women were performing traditional dances and singing for hours. It was a beautiful all encompassing moment. I could feel the energy. Malawians haven’t lost hope in the human spirit, but we have. Maybe tomorrow things can change. Maybe it’s time to stop giving and take a little bit.

Take a little hope. Take a little Love. Take a little community. Take a little time. Take a day with no schedule. Take a chance on someone else.