.t h i r t y n i n e.

 

 

I took a quick one-night solo camp trip to celebrate the beginning of my 39th year. I ventured to a new place, not far, but somewhere I've not been before, although it is on maybe my favorite stretch of highway in Central Washington between Coulee City and Grand Coulee. The landscape is just awe-inspiring. Surrounded by basalt rock formations and Banks Lake, rabbitbrush covers the land, along with dunes, and the entrance to the park has towering mullein that looks mystical in its striking height. 

I kayaked on the lake but hit a bit of a storm, so I already have plans to return to explore more. The rain stopped in the evening enough for a walk around. You can see the golden glow of the sunset in the pictures. I've been reading Osho, and he talks about the miracle of joy, not to take it for granted or fear it. I walked the campground with a mantra of "I'm grateful for the miracle of joy and connection." 

It has been a year of reconnecting - with myself and the people from whom I've disconnected. I'm so grateful for those moments over the past year. I'm open to what comes this year. I think that's my word for my 39th year - OPEN. It feels symbolic in some weird way, the last year before a new decade. I want to stay open to it all. 

.t h i r t y f o u r.

I always love to write something as I begin another orbit around the sun. I turned 34 on Tuesday this, whoa! This year held so much movement for me I wanted to journey the year again to remember it all, here it is.

My 33rd year was a wild ride of adventure - travel - big questions - dead end roads - unplanned journeys and new layers of awareness!!

IDAHO

I started my year last April celebrating my birthday in the mountain town of Ketchum, Idaho nestled at the foot of the Sawtooth Mountains. I lived in Ketchum for 9 months working at a Community Health Educator with Planned Parenthood. Most of my time was spent teaching puberty and sexuality education to middle and high school students at both the public and private schools. The experience was challenging and isolating but also allowed a flexibility to explore the amazing nature around me. The Wood River Valley is one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived. The foothills are blanketed with sagebrush and having grown up in the high desert of Central Washington I always feel at home where sagebrush grows. The position lost most of its funding and with fall approaching I decided to head back east for holiday art shows.

EAST TO WEST

It took 21 days for me to drive from Idaho to Massachusetts, camping 18 of those days and staying with friend on the other days. I remembered how the road is my happy place. Setting up my campsite and packing it up every morning was such a innate rhythm for me. I met a kindred spirit at Craters of the Moon, went fly fishing on the Teton River, slept in a yurt, slept in a tipi, fell in love with the mud pots at Yellowstone National Park, took slow walks along the madison river at dusk, moon bathed in a tipi next to the Devil’s tower, got lost in the cornfields of Nebraska, saw Georgia O’Keeffe art in Iowa, Slept next to the Mississippi, fell in love the with fingerlakes and Ithaca, Slept by a tiny lake in the Catskills and only had rain as I was driving into Boston. It was the most reinvigorating 21 days!

NEW ENGLAND

Coming back to New England was such a reflection to realize how much Idaho had changed me in just 9 months. I ached for the vast openlands and silence. I had a busy holiday season and reconnected with friends. I also continued to teach metalsmithing workshops. I love teaching these workshops and learned so much from teaching adult learners.

HOME

In January after 5 day delay due to a Nor’easter I arrived in Washington for a delayed holiday time with family. I spent my days hiking and soaking up the colors of Central Washington. I realize how the land feels like home to me. I created a personal residency during my time there, a quilt project. I took walks everyday, took a picture, translated it into a very simple design and sewed a patch. It was such a great project to get back in the rhythm of see - design - create.

MAINE

I came back to the East, to Maine this time to a small town 1 hr north of Boston. Due to my beloved turbo engine subaru exploding and being without a car for weeks I translated my quilt project into a brooch project. Now translating the designs from fabric to metal. I have 12 brooches made. I am so excited and proud of this project. There is no motive in this project except just to make - to tell a story of where I come from - to explore how to translate landscapes. I also was able to take a pie workshop from one of my favorite bakers and it inspired me explore baking more. So I’ve been baking a few pies every week learning and improving recipes.

NORTH CAROLINA

This all leads to the end of 33 and beginning of 34. I’ve moved to the south, Western North Carolina nestled next to the Great Smoky Mountains. It’s a special place for me with my Mom’s family being from the Tennessee side of the Smoky Mountains. I always feel connected to my Nana there, even after living most of her life in Washington Tennessee and those mountains were always home for her. I’m excited to explore the mountains more and to start a massage program in the fall. With over 10 years working in health I’m excited to connect bodywork to the experiences and knowledge I have gather my journey so far.

So much to unfold and learn this 34th year. I hope you are healthy and learning!

.t h i r t y t h r e e.

I love the number 3, it's sacred.

10 years ago when I was 23, I made one of my craziest decisions and joined the Peace Corps - leaving everything I'd known to live in South America for 27 months.

3's are a good number for me.

This year with my 33rd birthday on the FULL MOON. The full moon is a time to release intentions - begin again. It feels like a great time RELEASE and FOCUS. I am a triple fire sign (sun - aries, rising - aries and moon - leo) and I love newness, adventure, impulse and that will always be me but I want to follow thru more. I want to make a focal point to make decisions from. I felt lost and confused a few months ago and decided that the answer was in choosing a health education job in a new place, but coming here it wasn't what I thought. This is a part of expectations versus reality of change, but it's deeper than that. It's as if I made a decision based on old wants - I forgot to calibrate my internal focal point before making the decision and post-decision I now realize the discord. It's time to calibrate. It's time to dream B I G and know that I deserve it all that goodness that comes with that. It's time to embrace the truth the when I live B I G people around me/people I love/people in my community live B I G too.

Last year, a dear friend gave me a blank manifesto booklet for my birthday. I've kept it blank for an entire year not knowing what to write. This seems like the perfect time to write a manifesto, my first manifesto.

33 things to do in my 33rd year, a manifesto

1. Sew a quilt.

2. Teach a jewelry class.

3. Bake more bread.

4. Share bread.

5. Go to Scotland

6. Write poems.

7. Cook food for people.

8. Visit Boston and the Cape.

9. Swim in the ocean.

10. Meditate daily.

11. Sleep 8 hours a night.

12. Go to art galleries.

13. Create wellness resource for self + others.

14. Make time to cook.

15. Eat fresh food.

16. Explore Sawtooth Mountains.

17. Soak in many hot springs.

18. Take responsibility.

19. Write more  postcards.

20. Take long walks.

21. Spend time near water.

22. Dance everyday.

23. Practice vulnerability. 

24. Do yoga.

25. Pay attention to the moon.

26. Make jewelry. 

27. Experiment more with metal.

28. Trust my intuition.

29. Build community.

30. Sunbathe.

31. Ride my bike

32. Take a class.

33. Be kind to myself. 

.t h i r t y o n e.

"Life always gives us
exactly the teacher we need
at every moment.
This includes every mosquito,
every misfortune,
every red light,
every traffic jam,
every obnoxious supervisor (or employee),
every illness, every loss,
every moment of joy or depression,
every addiction,
every piece of garbage,
every breath.

Every moment is the guru.”

- Charlotte Joko Beck

You know that feeling when you wake up from a vivid dream holding onto it and the moment you are fully awake it's gone except for the feelings it gave you?

I feel BIG movement happening in my life right now - ideas/perspectives/priorities are shifting (emerging). The newness - new perspective - new insight was whispered to me in the middle of the night - it's inside of me - but when I try to tell it the words stop right at the tip of my tongue.

I always write a blog post on my birthday - as a moment to reflect of the past year and looking forward to the next. I turned thirtyone 18 days ago! I start to write a post and find myself wanting to say something different. and I am not sure what to say or where to start.

As doors are closing in my life there are doors opening, which is a beautiful gift because in my life it always seems like the opening and closing tend to come in phases but in this moment it seems to all be happening simultaneously. Although, instead of finding gratitude for the opening doors I keep holding onto the hurt - rejection of the closing doors.

Why do I do this?
There are beautiful doors opening up for me. Doors offering opportunities that I have spent years trying to manifest in my life - yet - I find myself stuck in this cycle of loss. Then last night I realized something. I realized that I am holding onto those closing doors because it's a distraction - because if I hold onto those closing doors then I don't have to take that risk - that jump - that leap that the opening doors require of me. It's scary and unknown - they require my authentic self.

When I acknowledge these emotions and uncertainties I realize that really all the opening and closing are connected. That the closed doors aren't illuminating my weaknesses - they are pushing me towards the open doors - towards the pathway of following my heart - passion - my art. The Universe is saying "I am not going to give you any other options - GO FOR IT." Beautiful.

I hope you are able to see all the doors opening in your life right now.
Embracing them.
Allowing yourself to realize that YOU DESERVE the open doors.
GO FOR IT.

.i am t h i r t y.

I turned 30.
So much emphasis is put on that number.
I put so much emphasis on that number.
That moment.
The definition of that moment.

I've had the most beautiful 20s
10 years of true adventure - living in Mexico, Ecuador, Malawi - traveling extensively through Chile and Argentina - reconnecting with my homeland of the Central Washington
Started a jewelry business that is still going and even more fulfilling than when I started
I have worked alongside many Midwives and caught 5 babies with my own two hands
I've cracked my heart a few times and but it wasn't until it shattered that I realized I've had a guarded heart -
I drove 2,000 miles to Texas only to leave 4 month later with a heavy heart - to say this doesn't feel right to a forever dream - to drive another 2,000 miles home to see the true beauty of this country.

If there's one lesson I've learned over and over it's the endings always bring healing - regrowth - vibrancy
a life well lived
I embark on the beginning of my 30s striving to worry less - have more fun - look back less often
a year of new adventures:

traveling
hula hooping
loom weaving
giving proper energy to my jewelry business
letting go of the shame
melting my anger with gratitude
taking care of myself
more dancing
more FUN
perfecting the perfect loaf of bread
consuming more fermented food
building my trust circle
legit bike touring
committing to my meditation practice
more vulnerability
and always choosing courage over comfort

 

.t w e n t y n i n e.

Photo Source, my other wish would be for THIS to be my bday dinner party!!

29 years of a life worth living. I feel blessed on the regular to have lived a life up to this moment full of beauty, rich love, passions, adventures, and many a challenges.

I came across this Kahlil Gibran quote yesterday, 

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain…When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

The 28^th year of my life was super intense and filled with huge levels of joy and sorrow – transitioning me to a more raw authentic self – 29 is going to be the year of tasting all these complex flavors!

I always make a list of wishes every birthday, one for every year. This year I’ll make one too but really I have one big wish (challenge) that has been in the works but after reading this I realized that the time is NOW. I’m getting a touring bike and I’m going for a long ride. The details will come later, maybe just a week or maybe more but I am honored to have been reminded (once again!) life is PRECIOUS and beautifully FRAGILE and I never want to  forget to live every moment and be thankful for the ability to move my body and connect with this world. 

.guilty.

I think it was destiny that my birthday fell on market day. If you haven't heard already market day is my favorite day of the week/event in Malawi. It's a day where tons of people in Liwonde (the big town) or smaller surrounding villages come with their produce and used clothes to sell!

I was told before I arrived to Malawi, "don't bring a lot of clothes because the used clothing market is great." It seemed like a strange concept. Used clothes? From where? Nothing is made IN Malawi.  But sure enough I arrived and there is a GREAT used clothing market. Name brand, vintage, and Euro funky clothes. WHAT?

So the story I've heard is that Malawi receives a lot of clothing donations from all over (it's funny because you can almost tell week by week where the clothes are coming from depending on the style...USA (I found a brand "Don't Mess With Texas" once. ekk.), Italy, India, etc.). Being creative entrepreneurs, Malawians have turned this into an opportunistic economy.The distributors sell clothes off by the bundle to independent vendors who come out every week and sell sell sell...bras, pants, scarfs, curtains, tablecloths, jackets, sheets, dresses, costumes, you name it! It like Goodwill on crack. swoon!!

So I hit it up yesterday and no surprise I found several things I don't need and now my floor looks like some Grandma's closet exploded. oops!

.t w e n t y e i g h t.

Some days I feel stronger, more authentic, more vibrant, and more conscious than I’ve ever felt in my entire life and then there are many moments I’m lost, crushed, weak, confused, and powerless. But then I'm beginning to think maybe those are all one. The more lost I become the more aware of myself I am, the weaker I feel the more connected I am to this soil beneath my feet and the breath of air in my lungs, maybe the more confused I get the most likely I am to let the uni-verse direct me. Maybe just maybe less of me is more.

I feel beautiful in this moment of life, this celebration of 28 years.

I came across this the other day and found it fitting for a birthday reflection:
“Remember: YOU get to decide what’s true for you. So - What does your heart want? What is your soul yearning for? Can you step into a new story and not allow what others think to hold you back?”

These are powerful questions to me, to enunciate the wants and ways of my heart. Through this journey I’ve seen light and dark – near and far, in the known and unknown, in the beautiful and ugly, in the moment and the memory. It’s ever changing and all encompassing. I’ve come to realize that I can’t find my heart’s wants in the tangible.

I want to be present, I want a connection, I want a freedom, I want strength in myself to repeal the energy from outside. I want to anchor my sailboat with my own means and look out with my eyes to see the view. I want to dispose of my labels and judgments. I want my words to have weight. I want to greet you with an open heart, share myself in a new light, a new truth. 

This year brings more experiences in Malawi, the aspiration of farming my grandpa’s orchard with my sister (more on that later...), and the thoughts of midwifery in my future. I am grateful.

Much love to you all always.