.day 7.

Yesterday I was trying to take the train to Faro to meet a jewelry designer, Filmeno. It was my first time taking the train here so I decided to trust google maps to find the station. I've been in town a week and have figured out daily life things pretty well despite my lack of Portuguese, until yesterday. I followed all the google directions and ended up on a dead end street in the middle of nowhere and in order to take a right, as google suggested I would've had to climb over a 6 foot stone wall into someone's front yard and climb down a hillside. Whoops! The train station was actually on the other side of town and there was so way to make the train time. I decided to be flexible and enjoy the chance to walk around a different part of town. I started taking any random street and happened upon an older woman surrounded by grocery bags yelling at a front door. As I got closer she started yelling at me in Portuguese, all I understood was something about not being able to get into her house. I didn't know what to do (or how to get away) so I just started speaking to her in Spanish. I was asking her if anyone was home, anyone to call...all the questions just led to more distress so I took her key out of her hand to try the door. The door opened on the first try. She stopped talking immediately, grabbed my face with two hands and gave me a passionate kiss on each cheek. I said "de nada" and turned to walk away (glad to have escaped relatively unharmed. ha ha!) just as her son was coming to help. She told him "oh never mind!! the little spanish girl helped her." 

You can't worry about plans when you travel, things will either happen or they won't. When things don't work out there's always some sweetness or a moment of connect that help you let go of expectations and just be present.

the patterns of unawareness

Our bodies are so amazing. I am continually amazed by mine because I always limit my understanding of its capacity. I had one of those amazed moments yesterday.

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday. It was so relaxing. I experienced a soft flow of vibrations in my hands, feet and forehead during and after I felt super relaxed and open. I went home and about an hour afterwards I had this emotional purge. I started crying - crying without any tangible reason, crying without a feeling a relief until it was just gone. I called my sister and while I was talking about it I suddenly had clarity. One aha! moment and then another, realizing these patterns of unawareness in my life. Whoa. I've never had an experience like this before. It was as if I had to rid the emotions out of my body to be able to truly see them.

From this I realized that my reactiveness towards my job was really a reaction towards an old wound that I was feeling. An old wound with many similarities to my current situation. I have been judging myself for having such strong reactions to little things and seeking so much validation - to hear “that is horrible” “you are totally right for feeling that way” because I didn’t think my feelings were valid. Seeing that it wasn’t just this moment. It’s never just this moment, right? I could better honor and respect my feelings, work to stop seeking validation (take OFF that victim outfit) and realize that THIS IS A SIGN. I have been here before, I have felt these feelings before and I have learned this is not a space that I can grow and thrive in. 

This is The Universe reminding me to stop being comfortable - jump - take a risk - make myself vulnerable - thrive - fully express myself. No matter what. YES!

SO much gratitude for such a fierce reminder. I hope you are feeling all the Universe is sending you and I hope that you embrace the uncomfortable - sometimes painful - fierce reminders.

Reminders that we are ALIVE in this moment.
Reminders that you have something unique to give this world.
Reminders that you deserve love.

.saturday.

it finally feels like fall time here - the mornings require a sweater.

it's saturday and i actually had the day off.

i found a new farmer's market. 

made some new jewelry.

brainstormed set-up ideas for my jewelry.

focused on the beauty of connecting with people even in small brief encounters.

made food for the week.

pined over foggy mountainous pictures of the northwest on blogs.

i always seem to miss the northwest the most during fall time. 

consumed copious cups of chai.

happy saturday/weekend to you.

.breathe.

Nobody is who they are based upon one decision, one day, one path, one chance, one relationship, or one anything else.

Every day is brand new and opportunity never stops knocking. 

.reflections after a long day.

I wrote Rick Perry an angry e-mail this morning. I was mad. I am disgusted by the choices being made in Texas. I'm now wondering why I wrote the e-mail. I wrote the e-mail because I feel it's unfair for someone to push their ideas/choices/values on someone else. So I reacted and did the very same thing, I pushed back. 

It seems like in the States things are only increasing in tension. The temperature is rising and I'm wondering if there is going to be a breaking point. We can only yell so loud at each other. So why are we yelling? How do we step back from reacting into a place of compassion and understanding?

I was riding home from work yesterday and suddenly I heard honking and a vehicle was about 6 inches behind me. I was initially surprised. I couldn't understand what was going on for them to be so upset/in a hurry...then I realized it was ME! I was riding on the road and he didn't like it. The driver then aggressively passed me and the passenger said some choice words directed towards me. It seemed ridiculous. We then met up at the red light again and I passed them. I was mad. I called the non-emergency line to report aggressive driving.

Part of my job is working as a Care Coordinator working with families with medically fragile children. With working with the public/community you sometimes find that some people don't have the coping skills they needs/wear the outfit of a victim/choose to not make changes and with the children's best interest in mind you have to report neglect. I had to report yesterday.

Is this the answer though? Are e-mails, calls, and reports doing any good? Or just encouraging this system? Am I just pushing back?

2013 was predicted by some to be the beginning of a new dawn...it this it? Is this discomfort/violence/hatred the shifting of our paradigm?

It has to be. 

Rick Perry is not the issue, the aggressive driver doesn't have anything against me, and those parents aren't horrible people. These are just branches of a tree with extremely deep roots. 

We are a broken, lost, lonely, and isolated people. We have numbed ourselves to the degree that we are lost in our very own bodies. The time to slow down, listen, reconnect, and love YOURself is today.

Do you practice self care?
What do you do for YOURself?

.packing.

what will you become?

What will you become? I passed a girl in traffic last week her face was familiar - she went to my high school I couldn't tell you her name or any describing attributes but I reacted when I saw her driving a SUV with car seats and smoking a cigarette - what had she become? 

How can I have expectation for someone I didn't even know? Strange how I arrange it all - organize life until it makes "sense" but nonetheless it got me thinking...what did I become more so, what WILL I become? So much life - movement- choices - weather - loss - birth - hope - despair to hold us/drift us. How will you take care of your suitcase? Surely you have bricks in there - we all do. So what are you going to do? What are you going to become? A shaking question. 

I don't know. 

Then today I heard Michale Franti sing..."There’s just one thing that I got to say I won’t let another moment slip away" Sometimes I get so caught up in looking for the perfect house to buy I forget I can start building my own. 

Unfinished - unplanned - just right - with time.

bonaparte lake

.kindred spirits.

My Uncle let me borrow his polymer clay oven to play around with...but clay? I'm more of a sterling silver kind of girl when it comes to jewelry. 

I started making jewelry in middle school. I can still remember going to the Sun Dog Bead Co. and Juliana, with her curly afro and hairy armpits teaching me to make my first pair of earrings. I left feeling so empowered by her art and feminine energy - I never looked back. Then freshman year of college I returned home for the summer only to find that all the summer jobs were taken. So (more by force) in the summer of 2003 Kindred Spirits jewelry was official born. I repurposed an old window pane covered it with screen filled it will my handmade jewels and loaded into the back of my charcoal 4-Runner. I spent every Saturday and Wednesday of that summer selling at the local Farmer's Market. It was a wonderful leap. I have many loves/passions/matches but since that summer even when I stray (i.e go to Malawi) it's an outlet that grounds and soothes my spirit - I'm always returning to jewelry. 

Once again I have found new energy and inspiration with clay that has led to the re-birth of my etsy shop (check it out here!). It's a medium that is allowing me so much space for "mistakes", trials, and unfinished touches. 

I am a born-again polymer clay enthusiast. 

What do you think?

p.s. if you like what you see "like" my .kindred.spirits.jewelry. page.

.i just need to BE.

The full moon shown so bright last night. Illuminating the land like a spotlight from above once a month just to check on us. To make sure we are all right. To make sure we are still making it.

We are making it. Some of us are sprinting, some of us are pacing with a marathon endurance, some of us are walking, and some of us are taking little steps BUT we are moving as we can, in our own way.

Life is precious.

Much like the spotlight of the full moon i've been blessed with these rare moments of raw clarity that show me a heart - a mind - a soul. Have you ever experienced this? It comes in the most mundane moments something demands your attention and you SEE it.

The layers of male, middle aged, Malawian, few resources, poor hygiene, married, father, frustrated, hungry, in need of new shoes - becomes just another human being - making it - moving as only he knows how - falling and rising - hoping - looking for happiness.

Sometimes these sweet moments can almost touch another one and others seem miles and days apart, but cherished just the same.

Malawi scares me because it's exposed me and made me vulnerable in ways like never before. Tasting the fragility of life pushing me to realize all we have is NOW and I just need to BE.



p.s. I'm really going to miss these market days...I found a new (orphan annie-esk) RED dress and this vintage bedspread/tablecloth...whatever it is. I LIKE it.

.as of late.

happy weekend to all you beautiful souls. 


I'm writing with much to celebrate, be grateful for, and to update. As I'm sure you've noticed (or at least my Mom) I've been off line for a while...so much has just happened! The nitty-gritty as of late is this: I attended a Natural Medicine training (amazing!) and using the training to help build an herbal garden with a local HIV+ support group, went on a two week Ladies vacation to Likoma and Chizimulu islands on Lake Malawi (see above pic) so beautiful, our grant was approved, and tomorrow will make 6 months since I have arrived in this country! Amazing! I've been sitting around waiting and waiting and when I finally just got up it all feel into my lap.


The grant: To form a Maternal Health Task force within two TA (traditional authorities) in America this would look like a county within a state (just on a MUCH smaller scale.) These two TAs are known for their high maternal mortality and increase Mother to Child transmission rates. The focus is to start a conversation between community members and Maternal Health stakeholders to look at our data and hear the reality of Maternal Health services. I'm so honored and thrilled to be here and facilitating this conversation. Maternal Health or BUST. The meetings are Monday and Tuesday and then we will culminate our grant project with a week long training (TBA) in an area determined as a high priority for improving Maternal Health systems.


So I'm off to have a late minute prep meeting, then saturday brunch with a friend, and garden planting on sunday. life is in full motion.


much love to you all always.
a

.a thought.

I have found a gentle sweet timid nature of a people that have been oppressed, reprimanded, and exploited. This has been declared the warm heart of africa - but what is the price? If you really watch there is a fear so profound that makes me taste my bitter after taste of privilege. I'm so quick to be agitated by a "give me my money" from a stranger, a bus driver charging double the local price, and the distance placed between me and them no matter what I say or do. Although, having been born into choice and praised to speak up and out how can I be so selfish to look at a situation from my own unaccustomed eyes? Don't read this as pity - any pity can only be for my narrow view I've held onto so tightly for the past 6 month - but more I am speaking of a compassion evolving like a tide within my body meeting me at the shore slowing pulling away by gravity (time) and building (experience) as I part from the shore (my norms).

Malawi has brought me further from home and myself that ever before. I can only hope that these days of exhaustion, frustration, and total confusion will continue to blur my defined lines and fade my colors to grey.

love.

.a blessing.

A volunteer described Malawi as “magical” I found it very interesting. She said you can plan many things here and they just won’t ever work out and then right when you are ready to give up/hitting bottom life happens. Life happened today.

I’ve been reconsidering the purpose of being here. I spend most days chit-chatting at the office while waiting for Peace Corps to call and say “YOUR GRANT IS APPROVED!!” I have a feeling it’s going to take awhile for that phone to ring. But I was coming back from lunch today and I heard someone calling my name. It was Blessings. It was only 70 degrees today so he wore black pants, a black hoodie, and a black leather jacket. So cold. Sorry I can’t get over the Malawian definition of cold. I had on a tank top and skirt and a fellow co-worker said he couldn’t look at me because it made him so cold. Ha ha. Ok back to the story.

About a month ago I had met with Blessings to discuss herbal gardens and how to incorporate them into HIV positive support groups. It was so excited. A skill-exchanging, capacity-building, sustainable project? YES! But nothing more happened, typical. Since then I was invited to ANAMED, a natural medicine training. So when I ran into Blessings I was excited to catch up and share with him about this development. He was thrilled and started talking about how we could incorporate this into working in Machinga (where I live). That means I can walk there, no minibuses for me! Wahoo! So this Sunday I’m meeting with a support group in Machinga and going to ask for a volunteer to attend the natural medicine training that we can later train the group. Wow! That’s magical. Nothing I planned. I’ve tried to find work. But it’s Malawi so it happens when it happens.

UPDATE:
Sunday I was trying to get a hold of Blessings to confirm that we were actually going to see the group. No answer. I spent the weekend in Zomba (40 mins southeast of Machinga). It was a wonderful weekend filled with a 7 hour hike on the Plateau, which is one of the most beautiful places I’ve been in Malawi. The lookout literally took my breath away (see picture above!).

So Sunday morning I was enjoying endless cups of French press coffee, fresh baked bread, and good company! What a treat! I really just wanted to stay and chat but Malawi logic is that if I don’t go back to Machinga Blessings will be there. So I headed back despite the fact that he wasn’t answering his phone. The minibus was about 5 mins outside of Machinga and my phone rings…Blessings. Haha. I just had to laugh. THIS is Malawi. So we met up and went to visit the group. It was beautiful. The Women greeted us with song and dance. The group only speaks Chichewa but Blessings was kind enough to translate for me. We took a tour of the herbal garden, which was small but a great start. They are even growing a vegetable garden for an income generating activity. It was so empowering to see these Women despite it all: health, stigma, gender issues…standing up and rising together. I feel blessed to have met them and look forward to working with them and the garden. They came into my life just when I needed them. If we only understood what we can give each other oh! what a world we would live in!!

Then this morning I read this: “We already have everything we need to be magnificent; it is simply a matter of allowing ourselves to be who we are. Suffering comes from own resistance to being who we are. And so I am brought back to the questions of how and why I am choosing to suffer? Having felt the job of doing what I was meant to do, and having witnessed that job in other as they allowed themselves to stand authentically in the world, I can only wonder: From whence comes this attachment to suffering? What beliefs hold me back? What patterns drain me? Do I trust the inevitability of success when I say yes to my dharma?…The questions will be followed by answers, the answers by actions , and the actions by growth.”

Much love to you all always.
a

.growing pains.

““Now,” he thought, “that all these transitory things have slipped away from me again, I stand once more beneath the sun as I once stood as a small child. Nothing is mine, I know nothing, I possess nothing, I have learned nothing…” He had to smile again. Yes, his destiny was strange! He was going backwards, and now he stood empty and naked and ignorant in the world. But he did not grieve about it no, he even felt a great desire to laugh, to laugh at himself, to laugh at this strange, foolish world”
                                                                                                                     Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

What is it about being here that makes me forget it? My strengths, my desires, my beauty, my fierce nature, my loyal heart. I feel like I’ve lost my footing. Then again I’m shedding my old ways, old clothes, old flesh – so with this BIRTH – NEWNESS in matters of the heart, I feel weak. I need to remember that this IS the process, the growing pains.
  
I can feel it all – thank goodness. I am human. I am alive. APPRECIATE my feelings. RELISH this chance to grow. EXPOSE MYSELF – CONNECT – CHALLENGE a normal LIFE.

I had two new but dear friends over for an impromptu dinner party on Monday night. We ate nsima and beans by candlelight (well, there really isn’t any other options at my powerless house) and sipped fresh lime cocktails while chatting about philosophy, the Dalai Lama, culture, ideas...I felt so connected. They truly fed my soul. We ended the night lying on my “lawn” on a grass woven mat taking in the magnitude of the night sky and watching for shooting stars (I saw 5!). It was so beautiful and powerful- to connect with the world, connect with another soul, to allow the present moment be ENOUGH. I’m grateful. I hope you too are finding sweet moments like this in your life. 

Love to each and every one of you.


p.s. have you read Siddhartha? it's a beautiful read, one of my faves actually.

.brand new.

I get so caught up focusing on my weaknesses, my faults, my “mistakes”, my regrets, my fears, the way I allow others to influence my decisions, the days I take the easy road, the place I feel society wants me to be at almost 28 years of age, allowing my past to determine my future.

I saw this and it instantly hit me. It felt like that very tight tense balloon I’ve been carrying in my chest for too long had been popped. I took a deep breath. EXHALE. I am brand new.

I am comprised of so many fragments that have brought me to his very moment, but in this moment I am brand new. I am present. I am forward moving. Every moment I can change, I can improve, I can start anew. This truth seems to dissipate the weight of my past because new opportunities abound me now. That is powerful.

I hope these words speak to you as they did me.
Much love to you all always.

.a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

"Where hunger is ugly, where the souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it
And I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my song well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall"
.bob.dylan.

Last night the rain came down so forcefully on my tin roof that it woke me out of a dead sleep (and I’m a deep sleeper). It was so dynamic, it sounded like hundreds of machine guns firing at once. It made me grateful for my shelter - I’ve been given such a beautiful sacred space here in Malawi that is allowing me to make space inside of myself. Thinking about all the things I hold onto: collecting, filling up, demanding space and energy. Are they feeding me or taking from me? The rain fall slowly let up and I fall back asleep, then again around 3am I awoke again to another surge. It was a beautiful moment to witness such a force.

This man I met on a bus yesterday traveling back from Blantrye asked me what I would tell my family about Malawi when I returned to the states…I responded with the usual crowd pleaser “that Malawians are so friendly.” He loved it. Then he said “Yes, but we are poor. Life is very primitive here.” The statement really struck me. Primitive.

Life here IS primitive, raw, rough, jagged, holistic, connected…allowing moments of vibrant rainfall to come into my life, for the phase of the moon to influence my sleep, and for the stars to be seen in a magnitude of which they are worthy.

--------------------------

Pictures:

Left: since the rains have started these little flowers have popped up all along my pathway home.

Right: the ridiculous 1960’s flower power dress I found at market and debuted at the st. patrick’s day party this weekend it Blantyre. Live bands playing classic rock covers and guiness, it was true culture shock.

.friday.

My Friday started with a letter and photos from a dear friend. So of course I ran to my powerless fridge and quickly decorated it. What do you think??

Then at work I looked out the window to see what? A turkey? Yes, an office with a view.

It's quite the life here in Malawi.
Enjoy your weekend.

.facing our fears and finding truth in the moment.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek". - Joseph Campbell

What do you fear? I fear so many things, commitment, vulnerability, judgment, …I won’t bore you with the novel. I was reading a recent daily love talking about the power found in facing, acknowledging, naming our fears. It asked how can we imagine our potential when our view is cluttered with fear?

----------------------------------------------------

My Mother raised me with sweet loving words. She told me from a young age of the care and pride that filled her body while she carried me. Birthing me naturally, welcoming me into this world with love and confidence in her body.

But as a young girl I frequently watched “A Baby Story” on TLC (what a TV choice, right?). I was frightened (to say the least) but enthralled, I knew of my birth story (a real story) and held it near my heart but was somehow capsized by the “truths” of these women’s stories. Honestly, I remember being 13 unable to change the (horrible) channel while FREAKING OUT I would be THAT woman some day. Strapped down, distraught, screaming (is she possessed????). Hoping by the time I was to have children science would “outsmart” the body. That’s almost 15 years ago but the fear was real. It took me years to see the beauty in pregnancy. The first birth I attended was so overwhelming I almost had to leave the room.

Birth – labor – life is powerful, demanding, raw, unknown any and all of these attributes can be felt as fearful.

Our words of it’s fine, I’ll deal with it when it comes, what if - are all fanning the flames of fear, quietly building inside of us. This quote really connected me to my early formed memories of birth, “these old thoughts and ideas (fears) are energy in our lives that rob us of the moment” this is telling me that without presence I can’t progress – I’m static. “When we can begin to trust our perception of the truth in the moment. There is a power in the process, an unfettering of the mind and spirit” Slowing letting go of my thoughts and ideas (fears/A Baby Story flashbacks) I stayed in that room watching Sarahi’s body shift and push her little boy into this world. She wasn’t strapped down, she didn’t even scream, but she fought, she needed love, encouragement, and together we greeted Joshua in this world. I had to let go of my formulated version of “truth” which allowed me to see the beauty in the moment, the truth of the moment.

-------------------------------------------------------

As of late:

I fear commitment/decisions. Decisions to me mean missing out on something else, so I don’t like to commit/decide until I have to.

This week I was allowing myself to get eaten up by a decision. Not a monumental decision, but a decision nonetheless. I let it chew on me until I was drained and weak. With encouragement and trust I realized that there was no right or wrong, but an answer. My answer.

By facing my fear I found a truth and power in the process.

.M=EA.



I decided to stay home this weekend and just enjoy the many splendors of my pioneer mansion. Athough, I should know myself better than to feed such a lofty utopia idea to myself, a hyperactive person by nature. There is only so much I can find to entertainment myself with before the sitting, staring, and contemplating "what the hell am i doing?" thought process begins. Surprisingly, I actually made it till Sunday afternoon when I began to, they said it best in my book, "if you're in a hole, STOP digging" but of course I was beyond bored so I started digging with even more vigor! ha! 

important note to reader self: the key to feeling productive/happy/successful/fulfilled while doing development work is to STAY BUSY!!

Then I happened upon this theory: M=EA  (Mishap = Excellent Adventure)

(found in this book)

Mishap, I thought what a polite way to put my current feelings towards this whole Peace Corps Malawi thing. But then it is a mishap. I never planned this, I never even applied for this position, and actually my site (where I work/live) wasn't even developed prior to my arrival. That to me is the definition of mishap.

So WHY can't I make this into an excellent adventure...life is how we see it.

-------------------
pictures:
1. new wool rug I found at market day for $0.80
2. what happens when I'm bored and find watercolors.
3. new wall art in my bedroom
4. Osborne trying to break into the cook house
5. seeds!! now planted in my veggie garden...keep your fingers crossed.

.to you, amayi.

I was sitting in the back of the minibus on my way from Machinga (where I live) to Liwonde (the next big town where most things are) a normal 15-20min trip that I take almost every other day. But as we were stopping in a small village 3 Amayis got on the bus, petit serious women with short hair, imported T shirts advertising foreign brands and local events in English, wrapped in their chitenjis (2 yards of fabric). From their eyes they will never see the fight that they were born to fight that was speaking so loudly to me on that bus ride. I looked at them and really saw their true bravery and solidarity.

I wondered which one would be pregnant next, who would have pregnancy complications, which one won’t have a skilled attendant at their birth, which one has almost died in childbirth, which one is trapped inside of herself dealing with the fact that sex is demanded of her without consent and without choice of the lives to come from it.

moments marinating in my mind,

love pouring out of me,

connecting to the detached. 

Life is precious, and it’s becoming more and more precious everyday I’m here. There is so much I’m adsorbing and its sweet quiet moments like these that sneak into my days that allow me to realize all that I’ve seen.

Malawi hasn’t tugged at my heart like Ecuador or Mexico, where I love it all. There is too much struggle here to fall in love with this life. There is no romance in another death. But my heart has been so filled with admiration for all the immensely powerful Amayis. The Amayi that carries hundreds of pounds of pumpkins in plastic sacks hours on a minibus to sell at market for her family, for the Amayi that hikes 3 hours straight up hill to cut down firewood only to carry the 8ft long logs that I imagine weight 100lbs or more balancing on her head down that same hill to then cook the meal for her large, unplanned family (the fertility rate of Malawi is 7 children/woman!). When I see and an Amayi I will always stop and bow to greet her out of reverence to her thirst for life that I will never tastes. To her powerful feminine power I hope to foster inside of myself. She answers my trivial frustrations, life is worth is all.

The minibus stops again, another Amayi squeezes in and sits next to me with her baby girl slung over her shoulder. I look over at her and those little dark round doe eyes look up at me and she gives me a little smile.  My heart swells in an indescribable way and her Amayi laughs with me, a moment never tasted as sweet .

 Every woman deserves a choice, a voice, an education, and an empowering birth. Maybe Malawi in all the confusion and waiting and unattractive rawness of life is really just the preparation for my birth, the birth of a more vulnerable, humble, and empathetic self.     

happy late love day.
i was without power and network, but i was sending much love to you all.
i spent my day the only way i know how...eating mexican food while watching the sunset and candlelight yoga. who knew malawi was going to be so lush?

p.s.
Follow'>http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3485989/unencumbered-journeysin-the-heart-o?claim=8a2t87u4sz9">Follow my blog with Bloglovin