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I LOVE the transition into the NEW YEAR - it's so refreshing to me. I'm a nomad, of course my favorite time of year is going to the beginning! I was also a birth worker for a time so I really love new beginnings - birth - the sweet first moments - the possibilities - the dreams - the energy!

I'm thinking so many things right now on the the last day of 2015. I'm thinking I can't believing I'm getting on a plane tomorrow for PORTUGAL! I'm thinking I can't believe that is was 10 years ago that I started this nomadic journey of a life. I'm thinking this year has been so beautiful - in such a raw personal way. I'm thinking where do I want to go in 2016?

I posted this quote last year, but I'm posting it again because it's SO good and SO true. It's time to make a decision - embarking on the new year - what are you going to take? what are you going to do? where are you going to go? what do you WANT?

“These are times of decision, of change, of choice….it’s time for something to go, something to be removed. Anything that is inhibiting, holding us back, it can be a belief it can person, it can be a job, it can be a country…It can be anything that is holding us back. Now needs to go…it’s like we are being stripped of our known familiar sense of security, sense of identity, sense of who I am.”

“…So what is coming up now for so many of us is a new future…birth of the new always requires the separation from the known, familiar, secure past. It can be beautiful, it’s a flowering, it’s an opening, it’s a creation, and it can be very scary…

“…Now is the time for planning this future, and it’s a very good time for doing that and preparing ourselves…the ship’s gonna leave the port, the new paradigm is going to take off, and now we are packing our bags and have to decide what to leave and what to take….you cannot take everything with you. Now it’s time to choose.” 

mysticmamma

TEN YEARS ago I was freaking out sitting in LAX at midnight with all the lights out, there was only about 20 people around. I had a moment of wondering if the airport was actually closed - if we were stranded and I just wasn't able to understand the announcement in Spanish. I arrived in Mexico in the early morning hours of the new year feeling sick to my stomach - why did I ever want to come to an unknown town where they speak an unknown language for 10 weeks?! I continued to freak out for the first few weeks and felt like crying everytime someone tried to ask me something that I didn't understand (despite years of Spanish classes) but I figured it. I feel in love. I was forever changed by that tiny unknown town where they spoke that unknown language. Here I am again 10 years later starting the new year in an airplane flying off to an unknown town where they speak and unknown language. I had my obligatory freakout moment yesterday and called my Mom. WHAT was I thinking? 8 weeks? I don't even speak Portuguese? Why did I think that was a good idea? She reminded me (as she always does) this is who I am - this is what I do - I seek - I explore - I challenge myself. 

Sometimes I feel like life is so overwhelming and complex and other times it just feels beautiful. It just feels beautiful right now - to be scared - to be able to have found my art - to be able to have the freedom to travel - to be able to have found a town that I am really going to miss while I am away - to be able to hear my true voice - to be able to start to accept myself for who I am. I let go of some labels this year that has allowed me to be right here. 

I'm taking these words into this new year. To continue to honor and respect myself for WHO I AM in my purest (ever evolving) form. To STOP hiding behind things - To STOP reaching outwards - To STOP choosing others over myself . To let go of the lies and root into myself so deeply that I can't get lost.

"All these years of practice have made you a master of pretending to be what you think you are. And that distorted image of yourself is really your grave, because the real you is not the one who is living your life.

“And who is living your life? …Is it the real you who judges yourself and punishes yourself… Is it the real you who abuses your body? Is it the real you who doesn’t even like yourself? Is it really the real you who is dreaming all that? No, it’s not the real you.”

“When you recover awareness, you resurrect and come back to life."

.n e w moon in scorpio.

“When I am in fear I want more and more,
Love, money, and power than ever before.
But when my eyes open I begin to see,
That I always get just what I need.”

-kaypacha

I felt myself wanting more and more today and then I read Kaypacha's words. So many feelings/thoughts/awareness running through my body + mind today on this new moon in scorpio. I am being pushed to look into my shadow and ask challenging questions. I love new moons and all that they purge and the clarity that follows. I hope you are looking inwards - honoring your heart - setting new intentions.

A little more about this new moon:

"A new moon in Scorpio strips us down and demands that we claim what we are at the core."

"Because if we don’t, it is all too easy for the world to hold it against us. Because if we don’t, life has a tendency to talk us out of our dreams. Because if we don’t, we run the risk of never knowing what we came here to become."

"This new moon is here to teach us that if we want to align our power with our purpose we must work with our power consciously. Giving it away won’t work. Hoping someone else will do it for us won’t get it done. We must work with our power and work towards developing all we have been given because nothing leads us to our purpose quicker than using our power in ways that make the most of what we’ve been gifted."

via Chani Nicholas

“This is about healing you. Healing your heart and mind. This Moon can heal your heavy heart. Let go. Surrender. Love you more than the need for something or someone in your life.

“The Scorpio New Moon message is to trust your instincts. The mind can fool you. The eyes and ears can fail you…Use your inner power….Strengthen your intuition. It is like a muscle. Build it up. The more you use it. The stronger your intuition becomes.”

“We in the Northern Hemisphere can follow the example of trees, the infallible and natural gurus of the time.

“…An autumn leaf is busy with purposeful activity. The trees are dismantling the chlorophyll in their leaves, drawing its nutrients back into their centers, storing its energy for new growth in spring…”
“By releasing something, we will draw new energy into our core."

via MysticMamma

.fire.

I found my fire again. It died down to coals for awhile.

I was tired of fighting -
of speaking up -
I didn't feel safe to continue to put myself out there.

I just said ok, yes, that's fine...
well-behaved.

But I found my fire again. I can feel it. I know it.

I can't go back to where I came from, you never can - or at least in the same way. There's too much to be said, too much awareness to not move forward -to continue to seek.

.new moon in taurus.

Happy New Moon in beautiful earthy Taurus!! A great reminder to slow down, re-calibrate our balance and root down into our connections.

 I had a super busy weekend trying to fit social, jewelry and work all in together!! I finally finished a work event today at 4pm and ran to the jewelry studio to work but as soon as I got there I couldn't work on anything. I was tired and distracted - I had to leave. I came home, made dinner and just sat outside enjoying the sunset and felt my energy settle. I was totally ignoring this beautiful new moon, forcing today to be a doing day when what I really needed was to just be present, be outside and slow down. It's so funny how life gives us just what we need (if we are aware) - today I met someone who visits my hometown often for work. This is so random as I am from a small town on the west coast and here I am in Boston. We talked for 30 minutes all about joys and quirks of my hometown - it made me so happy to be connected today and wasn't until later that I realized this moment was totally the new moon. I called to tell my Mom about my hometown convo and we started talking about tiny homes and I felt a tug to buy land, build a home and root myself to a place. This has been a forever dream of mine - I just haven't found the place yet but it was so beautiful to feel the desire wash over me - still true. What a sweet new moon this is!

I hope you allowed yourself time to slow down and connect. What came up for you during this new moon? What do you do to celebrate a new moon?

.practicing vulnerability.

I had one of those classic me moments last week

one of those moments that make me feel uncomfortable - exposed - embarrassed - vulnerable

one of those moments that make me want to pack up from here and...

...dive into a new project

...hold onto or aspire towards a role or title

...forget myself

one of those moments that retell that old story of "you knew it wasn't safe to share yourself - keep those walls up! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

but this time I listen to that old story and then I let it go

I didn't hold onto it

I just sat down right there with all those feelings!!

this time I acknowledged those feelings

this time I decided I was going to stay.

It is so hard for me to be vulnerable

I have been so conditioned NOT to be vulnerable

I am trying to practice vulnerability

I am trying to learn how to be more vulnerable

When I put down those walls (my guard) for a moment if it's not reciprocated, and there are going to be so many times I show my vulnerability that it will not be met with vulnerability because we have been taught that is our weakness.

I was listening to a great podcast, on being with Brene Brown where she said “we desperately want to connect with each other and with that vulnerability is the VERY first thing we look for in the other person and the VERY last thing we want to show of ourselves” so much truth in those words.

And it’s that moment that I am not met in vulnerability I start replay that tired old story all over again...but I am writing a new story - the real story.

Which is that it in those very small sweet tender moments I share my truest of self.

It is in those small moments that I am fiercely courageous.

It is in those small moments that I am growing and learning about my authentic self the most.

It is in those small moments that I am giving myself the greatest gift - to be open/connect/love and accept/receive/be love.

It doesn't mean that being vulnerable even for a second doesn't still make me scared/embarrassed/anxious but I am finding courage in the new story.

I hope you are finding a new story. new courage. new connections.

.weather for the soul.

a central washington winter a few years ago.

I woke up this morning to a broken furnace and no heat at my house. The outside temperature was 1 degree. One degree. I am not a winter person. I’ll take a summer day any day – everyday.

I was complaining about the weather to a friend who is a New England native and they said, this weather is for the development of the soul. It stopped my words and made me think. The development of the soul? I've been thinking about those words today and realized the truth in them. The way in which winter/bitter cold forces me to dive into myself/move slower/just be in a way that I find so challenging.

In this way winter offers a gift to me that the fun lightness/energy/fun of summer never could. I rode my bike to work yesterday, it was 16 degrees. I've never ridden my bike in weather colder than 20 degrees. It was a shocking stinging pain despite all the layers. I found a new level of endurance and mind over matter in the cadence of the ride, a determination and focus that I had to access.

And then I read this quote in another blog this morning:

“When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. . . . Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.”

- Hermann Hesse

All thoughts flowing together, all we have is this moment. Express gratitude for the elements that help us dive inside to that place to better understand “home”, to develop our souls or open our eyes to new layers of awareness. Whatever words you associate with the process of understanding all the things we don’t understand.

Much love to you all.

Stay warm and embrace the season. 

.boston in photos.

.beauty in alignment

Sometimes the growth pains of life/transitions are so strong and occupying that you seem to get lost in them until you wake up to see that in fact you have began to grow into your new self. You have learned how to be in this newness - this transition is now. 

If you are feeling like things aren't "working out" then you just aren't in the right place.
Open yourself to the Universe and the journey it holds for you.
Because things DO work out.
Life is beautiful, everyday.

I have written before about how my support pillars were shaken in the past few years. This forced me to step back and look at WHAT that meant and WHO that made me and WHERE I belong. I sat in that for awhile and then I took a step. A little step but it was what I needed. That step lead me to the next step - forward. Big changes are coming to my life, quickly. They are coming with such beauty and ease - I am right where I need to be.

So much gratitude for the growth pains and for the beauty in alignment.

.fresh eyes.

How does our past and fear limit us? I find that I use my past and fear like a compass for the future. The past is just the past. It is no longer our reality and it will never be a reality again. What is it that makes us hold so tight to what once was? Is it a conditioning to think that if that is then it will be again. BUT we are changing with our environment in every moment. What is to come will never be what was. What can we do to remind ourselves of this? To remain open? That this moment always presents a new opportunity. Maybe it won't look like what we thought it would. It will most likely be nothing like we thought but that doesn't indicate anything other than our narrow expectations. 

To start each day with fresh eyes. How do you keep fresh eyes? What helps you to trust (be present)? To free yourself of expectations?

.just a dream.

What if this was all really just a dream?

What expectations would you mute? What roles would you dissolve? What road blocks would you drive around? Would you get a new set of paints for your life? Get a bigger canvas to paint the day - journey - future?

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do 
with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver

Why do I hold so tight to these expectations? Most of them are just fuzzy unspoken lines. There is no reality in them - only imagined - but the mind is powerful. The imagined is the most powerful - manipulating an illusion of reality.

I have had such a wild life full of beautiful, unique and unbelievable moments. Many moments of which were not fully experienced because of the expectations - lines - imagined reality I gave power to - that I allowed to pull me away from actually feeling the moment.

I am most grateful for the recent steady stream of reminders that I am the ONLY one holding myself back. The thoughts that I give power to will be the indicators of my day - journey - future. I hold all the power. The power is mine. 

.words to live by.

"the power of life is always greater than any force of oppression."

-Dr. Patrisia Gonzalez

.brand new.

I get so caught up focusing on my weaknesses, my faults, my “mistakes”, my regrets, my fears, the way I allow others to influence my decisions, the days I take the easy road, the place I feel society wants me to be at almost 28 years of age, allowing my past to determine my future.

I saw this and it instantly hit me. It felt like that very tight tense balloon I’ve been carrying in my chest for too long had been popped. I took a deep breath. EXHALE. I am brand new.

I am comprised of so many fragments that have brought me to his very moment, but in this moment I am brand new. I am present. I am forward moving. Every moment I can change, I can improve, I can start anew. This truth seems to dissipate the weight of my past because new opportunities abound me now. That is powerful.

I hope these words speak to you as they did me.
Much love to you all always.