.discovery.

I went for a hike yesterday - up into the hills to see the contrast of winter colors and the coming of spring growth. The washed out colors next to the newness almost seemed electric in their contrast. The clouds clung to the mountain and in weather unusual to the dry central Washington - a light mist came watering the Big sagebrush giving the air an invigorating earthy smell - a healing aroma of new life - spring. 

Big sagebrush grows wild (and rampant) in the foothills here. A plant that has given much to the people of this land with its many uses - ceremonially being placed in sweat lodges to alleviate respiratory ailments and/or to cleanse the air with its invigorating scent. It can help soothe the sting of mosquito bites. As well as, a natural dye - making a bright yellow hue. 

As I climbed higher into the mountains I noticed the vibrant fuchsia buds on the Big sagebrush leaves - galls. The Big sagebrush leaf produces this fuzzy fuchsia gall as a reaction to the burrowed larva of an insect - nature is so amazing.

I felt lost in my own land. A reminder of how much newness can be discovered from the known. I hope you go out and discover - today - this weekend - this week - this spring.

.reflections.

"Imagine how you want to BE and trust yourself to be it.”

 -Cathy Pagano

.the choices we make.

How will life change you? How do you allow life to change you?

I am an impulsive Aries. I love distractions and my strengths lie in changeability. I have a tendency  to do things for the challenge/adventure of it. i.e. I decided to go wherever the US gov't offered to fly me and live there for 2 years. Then when life became day-to-day I decided to once again get on the government funded airplane adventure and go, despite it all. The choice to get on the airplane forever changed my life.

Everything changes everything. I believe that what I do today will change tomorrow, even in a micro way. It is a step on the journey but going to Africa was a leap. It forever changed me. Because it was Africa, because of the time, because of the way I leaped, because of the way I opened myself up, because of the way it healed me and made me raw, because of the way it distanced me from my "world", because of the quiet moments, because of the deviation.

I left because I didn't want to sit in the here and now. I left because I wanted a rush. I left because I wanted to never regret. I left because I was fearful of not going and fearful of staying. I never thought about who I would become and the distance it would place between me and everything I had known.

This knowledge is neither left or right but simply my story. A detail of the story with a lot of discovery that I am only starting to comprehend.

How will life change you? How do you allow life to change you?

.deserving.

Why is it that right before or during that big jump off the cliff I start criticizing it all.

All my ideas.
All my visions.
All my decisions.

I'm right here in that moment of letting go - lifting that last foot off of the ground but just before I do self-doubt always creeps in.

Are you sure?
Really?
Wouldn't you rather?
How much fun would....be?

If I only let myself see that there is only now. There is purpose in this jump. I deserve this adventure.

I'm still learning that I deserve it all.

.año viejo.

In Ecuador at the end of a year they go to great lengths to build/create "años viejos" which are life size puppets made of various materials - you will find them looking as though they are of the same image as the creator or some pop culture figure. They are then on the 31st surrounded by parties, food, and dancing then light on fire at the culmination of the night to represent the burning of all the "bad" parts of the year to bring goodness into the new year. I love this tradition. Looking at ways to improve and bring more light and love into the coming year.

What would you burn?


I wouldn't burn any experience from this year however you want to classify it - there was a lesson to learn. I would burn some of my more classic tendencies: hot headed nature, impatience, and future planning that always takes away the power of a moment.

ruby jean

This year has been one of the most beautiful years of my life. This year was started in on the shores of Lake Malawi and will end in my hometown surrounded by family mourning the loss of my Nana, Ruby Jean. My year started with a new culture, new job, new country, new continent and to end with a sweet sweet goodbye to the most pure hearted woman I have ever known that raised me with strong values, a servant's heart, and fierce strength. How symbolic to have a year starting with birth and ending with death.

In many ways I feel like this year has pushed me to the limits of my known self allowing for a new perspective. Living in new surrounding and experiencing life in a new transition I'm ending 2012 feeling full of questions and fragile but at the same sense full of hope for 2013 and all the answers it will gather and the new sensitivity to NOW.

I'm so beyond grateful for the company of new and old teachers I have met along the way this year. 
I hope you let the refreshing newness of 2013 wash over you and exhale the truth that all we have is right now.

Much love to you all always.

two of my favorite teachers

.365 days ago.

"Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that's 
the one that is going to require the most from you." 

- Caroline Myss

One year ago today I was already setting off while those familiar warm fuzzy stomach jitters were setting in, Wenatchee to Seattle, Seattle to New York, New York to Jo-burg, Jo-burg to Lilongwe. I landed 48 hours later disoriented sweaty confused with no luggage to call my own. The birth of Malawi to my life was a groggy moment, with a weary heart and heavy eyelids my mind was racing to understand the local cyclist racing past the car with loads (i.e. goats rodeo tied with their heads bobbing up and down on the bike rack) heavier and higher than the bike and cyclist combined, mud huts with grass thatched roofs, cars driving on the "wrong" side of road (are we going to wreck?!? does this guy know how to drive?) - it felt like a surreal dream.

Peace Corps staff dropped me off at the hostel (called Korea Gardens. HUH? Where am I?) and said they'd see me in the morning. Alone exhausted disoriented I was left in a hot and murky cement block with a tiny window, this would be my new "home" for the 10 days of orientation. The bathroom was more like a mosquito breeding ground with a toilet in it. The hostel staff was yelling outside the window or maybe they were just talking I couldn't tell. I sat down on the foam pad bed staring at the whitewashed walls, sweat running down my body wondering what have I gotten myself into THIS time?
----------------------
Two and a half weeks prior I was sitting on my bed in my big red barn in Arlington talking to my Mom on the phone, it was time to decide yes and give notice to work or say no and let it go. I was ready to let it go - it was too wild - not right - bad timing. But my Mom as she always is in these gut retching decisions I love to put myself in the middle of said, "why wouldn't you go?" so I gave all the typical answers and I said, "Maybe I'm saying from fear that it's not the right time. I almost said no to Ecuador out of fear and I know all the beauty that came from that decision" and she said, "there's your answer" and I (typical Alicia) said, "What? What's my answer?" "you have to go to Malawi to follow your fear".
----------------------
And here I am a year later - Malawi wasn't an easy experience it demanded all of me - some days she demanded more that I thought I was capable of giving but from those sweet uncomfortable moments she has made me a more empathic, more vibrant, and vulnerable person.

I'm SO grateful for life - for open opportunities of new growth - for the privilege to have Malawi in my life - for a support network that let's me "figure it out" over and over again - for the chance to live a life that requires the most of me.

I hope that you too are following your fear!

.drives.

taking drives up on badger mountain road the clouds hung low and the snow piled up. 
how easily i can change my environment (perspectives). 

happy weekend to you and yours.

.woolly mammoths.

I was born and raised in Central Washington something that seemed painful to me as a child - small town syndrome? I couldn't wait to run away - and run away I did. Sometimes I think I have to run to find the answers and there they are (most of the time) right in front of me. I've had a "plan" for years now returning from Malawi the "plan" doesn't seem to fit anymore.

I don't really believe in the system anymore. 

There is something shocking and isolating with that conclusion...then what do I do? How do I find purpose/worth? I'm not sure. So my Dad and I headed out of town for a short day drive around NCW and this is what we found:

There is beauty all around me, whether it is known or unknown, planned or unplanned, and I have all I need.

much love to you all.

what will you become?

What will you become? I passed a girl in traffic last week her face was familiar - she went to my high school I couldn't tell you her name or any describing attributes but I reacted when I saw her driving a SUV with car seats and smoking a cigarette - what had she become? 

How can I have expectation for someone I didn't even know? Strange how I arrange it all - organize life until it makes "sense" but nonetheless it got me thinking...what did I become more so, what WILL I become? So much life - movement- choices - weather - loss - birth - hope - despair to hold us/drift us. How will you take care of your suitcase? Surely you have bricks in there - we all do. So what are you going to do? What are you going to become? A shaking question. 

I don't know. 

Then today I heard Michale Franti sing..."There’s just one thing that I got to say I won’t let another moment slip away" Sometimes I get so caught up in looking for the perfect house to buy I forget I can start building my own. 

Unfinished - unplanned - just right - with time.

bonaparte lake

.no soy yo.

"...yo, no soy yo, por lo menos no soy el mismo yo interior."

.ernesto "che" guevara.

“I’m not me anymore. At least I’m not the me I was before”  

This beautifully perfect imperfect moment is closing and as I watch it slip from my finger tips to below the horizon the powerful words of che resinate in my mind. I am not myself. How could I be? This moment has washed over me and I let its force affect me, raw and alive. I am not me anymore or at least I'm not the me I was before. The moment was indescribable so I give you these simple words to take and understand as you can and will.

My goodbyes have been said, 38 hours of travel is under my belt, and I am stateside. Riding the ebb and flow of change and constantly reminding myself to stop paddling out to the waves. I have arrived to the sweet embrace of my family and I'm looking forward to having this time with them during my transition. I'm a driven high energy person. I strive for the best and always want to take advantage of the potential. Yet sometimes (most of the time) that force can barrel me from the NOW to imagining the NEXT. Transitioning from heavy full moments before I have sprinted to the next moment and along the way lost so many beautiful nuances of the changing times. This time I'm hoping to remember to breathe and savour every morsel.

Every one of you reading this now have guided me through this journey with love, encouragement, and energy. 
I'm beyond grateful.

My heart is so full to think of seeing all my loves face to face, but I'm going to take this space to energize, process, and hold my family tight. I want to see you, I can't wait to see you, but it might be a little bit.


celebrating the NOW.
much love to you all always.
a
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do not worry about how you will make it all work. Just focus on how you feel and go towards those things that bring forth joy. When you are living in your joy, the Universe is living joyfully through you. When you are living a life of fear, the Universe is dying and becoming smaller. Remember you are a child of the Universe and everything the Universe provides is abundant. The sun shines rays of joy, the bird sings a song of joy, the tree joyfully grows to provide shade and keep the air clean. Everything has a purpose and when we are living in our joyful purpose we will be supported because the Universe loves joy. It takes a little bit of time to go from fear to joy, but if you stay steady and keep the course you will at last come to see that your joy can be your reality. Trust in promise of joy, it is your birthright."
.Jackson Kiddard.

.to you, mama africa.

Mama Africa we only briefly met but our chance meeting was enough for me to feel it, feel you - the strong beautiful Goddess that you are – the rawness – the depth of your roots – the seasons of your body – the history of your ways – the truth in your simplicity.

Mama Africa you illuminate life in a way we have never known and we fall to your knees when it crashes upon us. But it’s too much too unknown so we try to “figure you out” and in that we have stripped you of the most beautiful lands, people, and spirit. But I know you are still here, true and authentic as ever before - because I saw you.

Mama Africa you captivate me like a strong wind. I’m not sure if I should be frightened or empowered by your strength of presence.

This week I felt it, the sense that I will someday return to you. Meet you again. To graciously give in return for all the power you have gifted me, but until then I will carry you with me - always.

Oh if we could all see your complicated and simple beauty and just let it be.
You, Mama Africa would shine like you were destined to.

In Reverence.
Alicia

.i just need to BE.

The full moon shown so bright last night. Illuminating the land like a spotlight from above once a month just to check on us. To make sure we are all right. To make sure we are still making it.

We are making it. Some of us are sprinting, some of us are pacing with a marathon endurance, some of us are walking, and some of us are taking little steps BUT we are moving as we can, in our own way.

Life is precious.

Much like the spotlight of the full moon i've been blessed with these rare moments of raw clarity that show me a heart - a mind - a soul. Have you ever experienced this? It comes in the most mundane moments something demands your attention and you SEE it.

The layers of male, middle aged, Malawian, few resources, poor hygiene, married, father, frustrated, hungry, in need of new shoes - becomes just another human being - making it - moving as only he knows how - falling and rising - hoping - looking for happiness.

Sometimes these sweet moments can almost touch another one and others seem miles and days apart, but cherished just the same.

Malawi scares me because it's exposed me and made me vulnerable in ways like never before. Tasting the fragility of life pushing me to realize all we have is NOW and I just need to BE.



p.s. I'm really going to miss these market days...I found a new (orphan annie-esk) RED dress and this vintage bedspread/tablecloth...whatever it is. I LIKE it.

.commitment.

photo taken by caitlyn bradburn.

No matter how far I go, how high the mountains I climb, or how much I open my heart it seems that when commitment (to a decision) comes a knockin’ on my door I rush to turn off the lights and pretend I’m not home...maybe if I’m quiet long enough it’ll just leave.

Despite experiencing over and over the beautiful power found in saying YES, in saying NO, in standing alone, in standing with, the beautiful power in holding firm to myself and my values.

Commitment is letting go of the control and acknowledging I already have the answers inside.  

It’s time once again to turn down the volume of fear and breathe in peace.

Peace in trusting myself.

Peace in the belief that I am enough.

Peace in every moment is just right.
----------------------------------------------------
following in inspiration, I received this beautiful truth today:

"There are no promised moments. This is NOT a dress rehearsal. I feel inspired, motivated and pushed to say, "I love you" to those I love as much as I can. I feel inspired to take risks. I feel pushed to look at my fear and step INTO it, rather then shy away from it. I am feeling time passing more and more and with it, it is whispering to me, "Do what you are afraid of, you won't regret it. Love out loud, you won't forget it. Live in the now, it is your present. The future is bright if you let it... be.""  -the daily love.


much love to you all always.

.new roots.

The Uni-verse is truly amazing when you put yourself out there.

I just wrote about the process and place I am in right now then last night my new neighbor invited me over for dinner. An Italian volunteer working to restructure the Teacher Training Program, Flaminia she is a beautiful long lean empowered woman with flowing brown hair, deep true eyes, and holds an air of the world. After months of dinner dates with a 5 and 7 year old, it was nice to have company. We ate pasta with a tomato sauce and wine. I was wondering if I was still in Malawi…but I’ll save the delicious details for another time.

She has spent many years living in Africa. So we spent most of the night talking about finding that place, a place to belong, a place of contentment, a place to grow. The more I travel and live the less I can find “home”. Wenatchee (where I grew up) is a place of warmth and great comfort, but home isn’t a physical place to me anymore. Yet still in all the places I have lived, I have found a sense of “home” but at some point it doesn’t fit anymore. I told her maybe I just haven’t found the balance yet to which she poetically replied, “Maybe we just need to flow. Life is a process that comes in phases. We have to be in tune to ourselves to know when to move on.” I wanted to just hold on to those words. I have so much fear and self doubt about my lack of ability to grow roots and build a “home” but maybe those doubts and fears are just the imposed values of society.

My home and roots are alive and strong, they just span from the Pacific Northwest to Mexico to Ecuador to Malawi, growing love and light.

Maybe all these transitions are challenging because of that, I’ve rooted myself. I have connected.
Maybe I’m already home? 

                         I’m so grateful for the (much needed) fierce reminder that we are beautiful. 

Life is beautiful.

Aid is aiding, but is that ENOUGH?

The first two Maternal Health Task force meetings went off without a hitch. 

Last Monday we met with the Traditional Authority and 42 Community Health Workers, Influential leaders, and Traditional Birth Attendants to conduct a baseline survey on the realities of perceived services and access to care in this area. Then on Tuesday we were back in another area of the district to meet with another Traditional Authority and 40 Community Health Workers, Influential leaders, and Traditional Birth Attendants. It was full days, which after so much “down time” I feel little high to be so stimulated. During the meetings I had waves of emotion passing through me. Excitement that THIS was actually happening, frustration at the lack of sustainability instilled into this structures, gratefulness for despite it all having landed in the lap on a power team of health providers that have supported and walked me through this journey, anger at aid and how America thinks that by throwing our money at “the poor, meek, and tired” we can “save” a life, and a little numb from it all. It’s hard to explain. 

Without living, breathing, feeling, seeing, touching, tasting the reality (and let me remind MYSELF this these biased conclusions I’m eluding to are only based on 6 months of structure and I should know better than to build my house on such a weak structure…) it’s hard to explain this without sounding bitter or ungrateful, but let me tell you I feel neither. More so, my sentiments in sharing this are it to present my truths and my questions. 

Aid is aiding, but is that enough? It’s like going through the motions of life. Yes, you are living breathing but are you truly living?

Many years ago when NGOs first presented in Malawi there was this concept to provide a “lunch allowance” for participants of the meeting (WHO thought of this??) . This was to supplement their time. But I’m sure as you can imagine anyone that would hear of this would enjoy the idea of being supplemented, which leads to attendance becoming dependent on allowances and how much the allowances are…What’s wrong with that? Well, if people are only coming for allowances then can it be assumed that some people are only coming for allowances (aka not interested in the matter at hand!!)? And some great projects/ideas are not being shared/happening because there just aren’t funds for allowances. 



So sitting at the meetings those negative thoughts crept into my mind and spread like wild fire: are people invested? Do these people even care? Are YOU here just for the allowance? I caught myself. WHO is this person? When did I turn into the bad cop or God for that matter, judging a person’s motives? Just when I think I’ve rid myself of the “Ugly American” there she is AGAIN. Ugh. I took a deep breath and let it go.

Feel it all. Let it go.

Because this isn’t about me, it never was. For some reason I was given this opportunity and with luck, passion, and Moreen Ntambo I was granted $10,000.00 USD to help begin to form Maternal Health Task forces. No not everyone is going to be as emotional about the matter as I, but there is beauty in the details and nuances (as I thought I had learnt). The importance can be found in merely the presentation. The training of Safe Motherhood practices will be taking place this week and next. That is enough. For this time, this moment, this purpose. That is enough. 

But the heart says despite my minds logic, is that enough? Is this conversation? The meetings? The trainings? My heart says no, but in 9 months, in a meeting, with one policy, one newspaper article, one donation can I fairly challenge for more? Can I give so little and ask for so much? 

I don’t know.


*************
update: I just read this quote : 

"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. 

But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning."

- Lao Tzu

I think the uni-verse is trying to tell me something.

.and I know you'll find that it's a wild world.

Oh nostalgia. You hit me like a 10 foot wave anytime I listen to “Running” from Jason Mraz’s “Live at Java Joe’s” there I am squeezed inside of my Grandpa’s big smooth riding royal blue Chevy truck between my Mom and Dad on that overcast day driving over Steven’s pass on our way to the future, the unknown, to my life as I would come to know - College. Blasting the CD on repeat powering me past all the knots in my stomach and drowning out the loud fears of my mind, to the dorm room in Eden’s South where I would hang that poster of South America years before Peace Corps would send me an invitation to live in Ecuador, that I would struggle and thrive in. Years before I would find peace and passion in birth work. And miles far from the personal truths that would take me to Malawi where I would be faced by the ugly side of my selfish and irrational tendencies.

Nostalgia, you bring me back to a place that seems so distant, I place I can sometimes feel so real and others like it didn’t happened. As almost it was a story that someone read to me once. The grey that surrounds it entices me and tugs my heart.

Here I am on a Sunday morning, the African sun is heating up my house and my thoughts are brought back to the grey of my life, the ambiguity of now. The peace I have found and the longing I feel for that energy from a crisp Bellingham morning with a white washed room in front of me and all the possibilities of the world.

Life is beautiful and full.
I hope your life brings in these waves, to feel it.
Feel it all.

.a thought.

I have found a gentle sweet timid nature of a people that have been oppressed, reprimanded, and exploited. This has been declared the warm heart of africa - but what is the price? If you really watch there is a fear so profound that makes me taste my bitter after taste of privilege. I'm so quick to be agitated by a "give me my money" from a stranger, a bus driver charging double the local price, and the distance placed between me and them no matter what I say or do. Although, having been born into choice and praised to speak up and out how can I be so selfish to look at a situation from my own unaccustomed eyes? Don't read this as pity - any pity can only be for my narrow view I've held onto so tightly for the past 6 month - but more I am speaking of a compassion evolving like a tide within my body meeting me at the shore slowing pulling away by gravity (time) and building (experience) as I part from the shore (my norms).

Malawi has brought me further from home and myself that ever before. I can only hope that these days of exhaustion, frustration, and total confusion will continue to blur my defined lines and fade my colors to grey.

love.

Is there value in suffering?

“I think that there is one aspect to our experience of suffering that is of vital importance. When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, that capacity which allows you to relate to other people’s feelings and suffering. This enhances your capacity for compassion towards others. So as an air in healing us connect with others, it can be seen as having value.” HH Dalai Lama

I’m still chewing on “The Art of Happiness” and this morning I was reading a section about suffering, and the value we can find in it. It sounds like a wild concept. WHAT value is to be found in suffering? My Sister sent me a quote a few weeks ago that stated “To feel pain is human but to suffer is a choice” and it really hit me. I define suffering as holding on to pain, not allowing it to move through and from you. But like everyone else it’s hard to let pain go, we personalize it. Sometimes it’s even enticing to hold on to it, we start to enjoy being the victim or some don’t know how NOT to be a victim because of life experiences. But like everyone I’ve suffered.

But what do we do with it? I’m learning every day how to let go, but more so in “The Art of Happiness” it was talking about having suffered. The lingering that exists, the letting go to what I’ve held on to sometimes for years.

Reading these words I instantly had a flash of being back in the barn and reading “The Message” it was talking more of personal freedom, stripping the layers that are holding us back from ourselves and our present life. The author quotes my girl, Janis Joplin, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose” and it clicked. I was back in Ecuador and all those feelings of pain, hurt, depression, loneliness, SUFFERING were there choking me. I could see the way out but I didn’t have the energy or want the energy to actually do anything. I cried. I cried and I cried for all those who did me wrong. For the lack of site development, for placing me with an inappropriate supervisor, for making me live with a family that didn’t care enough, for the heat and bugs, for the lack of structure, for it not being fun everyday…the list grew everyday (I’m very creative!). I put on this outfit of being a victim and in a weird way it was a reassurance that I didn’t have to put myself out there, be vulnerable, or even fail because THEY already did. With lots of love and grace I jumped – to a new site and a new environment. It wasn’t easy. I actually found all of the same frustrating suffering inducing elements in my new site but something changed. I made a choice. I was pushed to the edge. During a late night sob call to my Mom she simply said “If you want to come home then come home and if not then change your mind” so simple. Change your mind. So I did. Little by little, finding things to cherish, looking forward to things, and I found a loving Ecua-Mom that mentally and emotionally picked me up and loved me rejuvenating my spirit. Collecting this energy I started giving a little out and receiving more and more. I left Ecuador in love with a beautiful country, people, and culture. But after going back to the states all those past feelings of suffering and pain where still there, lingering. I really didn’t know what to do with them. I tried to readjust and feel like “normal me” but I couldn’t. I was holding these toxins in my body and they just kept building up waiting me to acknowledge them and let them go. It took me a year and a half to realize this.

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”

It clicked. I understood my suffering. I actually wouldn’t even consider it suffering. It was at the time but in retrospect it was really my freedom, my emancipation. All that I was living was stripping me of my comforts – the space that was filing me up – for no reason. The suffering allowed me to break free from all the “things” I held on to. It left we bruise, tatter, tired, and with NOTHING left to lose. With that I jumped and found so much love and newness to life, FREEDOM.

Freedom to challenge myself to eat healthier and more locally.
Freedom to take that metal smith class I’d be dreaming about for years.
Freedom to attend the Birth doula training.
Freedom to connect with the beautiful women of Sea Mar (where I worked before coming to Malawi).
Freedom to say YES to Malawi even when the time wasn’t “right”.
Freedom to love myself, my family, and my friends with more authentically.
Freedom to accept myself for who I am.

.a moment.

“Our days are numbered. At this very moment, many thousands are born into the world, some destined to life only a few days or weeks, and then tragically succumbed to illness or other misfortune. Others are destined to push through to the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond, and savor every taste life has to offer: triumph, despair, joy, hatred, and love. We never know. But whether we live a day or a century, a central question always remains: What is the purpose of life? What makes our lives meaningful? The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.”

This is probably going to sound odd because it was such an internal experience but I want to share it just the same. I’ve felt a lot of movement inside of myself lately. Changes coming from within, a paradigm is shifting. I feel hungry for something and with such timing a friend let me borrow “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama. I sat down this morning enjoying a fresh avocado and black tea with a little bit of milk when I came upon this statement. I don’t know why but instantly I felt something move through me and big soft tears started rolling down my face and then it released itself of me and I felt lighter. They weren’t tears of sadness for the brevity of life or even for the trying journey we embark on seeking happiness, but for actually being able to feel the gravity and fragility of life. Being called to live, being given (for some reason) the chance for another day to live, for undeservingly being able to wake up to the sun shining in my room, to share my pathway with so many beautiful spirits whether it’s for a moment or a lifetime - connecting. The moment held such power.

Life is beautiful.

.growing pains.

““Now,” he thought, “that all these transitory things have slipped away from me again, I stand once more beneath the sun as I once stood as a small child. Nothing is mine, I know nothing, I possess nothing, I have learned nothing…” He had to smile again. Yes, his destiny was strange! He was going backwards, and now he stood empty and naked and ignorant in the world. But he did not grieve about it no, he even felt a great desire to laugh, to laugh at himself, to laugh at this strange, foolish world”
                                                                                                                     Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

What is it about being here that makes me forget it? My strengths, my desires, my beauty, my fierce nature, my loyal heart. I feel like I’ve lost my footing. Then again I’m shedding my old ways, old clothes, old flesh – so with this BIRTH – NEWNESS in matters of the heart, I feel weak. I need to remember that this IS the process, the growing pains.
  
I can feel it all – thank goodness. I am human. I am alive. APPRECIATE my feelings. RELISH this chance to grow. EXPOSE MYSELF – CONNECT – CHALLENGE a normal LIFE.

I had two new but dear friends over for an impromptu dinner party on Monday night. We ate nsima and beans by candlelight (well, there really isn’t any other options at my powerless house) and sipped fresh lime cocktails while chatting about philosophy, the Dalai Lama, culture, ideas...I felt so connected. They truly fed my soul. We ended the night lying on my “lawn” on a grass woven mat taking in the magnitude of the night sky and watching for shooting stars (I saw 5!). It was so beautiful and powerful- to connect with the world, connect with another soul, to allow the present moment be ENOUGH. I’m grateful. I hope you too are finding sweet moments like this in your life. 

Love to each and every one of you.


p.s. have you read Siddhartha? it's a beautiful read, one of my faves actually.