.day three.

I woke up feeling sick today - I felt it coming yesterday, the last few days. I am so frustrated to be sick when all I want it is to be out exploring, meeting people and digesting all the colors - texture - sounds. I text my Mom my frustrations and she reminded me of the lesson that seems to be reappearing in my life, she said "just surrender to it." I know. I need to surrender to a lot of things - this year, this little town, this project, the hold of the past, my expectations...I'm laying in bed drinking tea with my balcony doors open to the street below - just surrender.

It's so hard for me to just be but if I am going to be influenced and changed by this place and the next few weeks I have to surrender to its plan/journey/process for me.

.day one.

I arrived in Tavira yesterday afternoon and felt like I woke up in my teenage european fantasy! I have wanted to come to Europe forever - here I am, 31 and finally here!  This trip just seemed to fall into place for me and to be honest I really don't know what will come of it. I have some hopes and intentions for this time but who knows - I think this trip will be as mysterious and magical as it's arrival. No matter what evolves/appears/reveals from the next 8 weeks I am already grateful for it. 

For the chance to S L O W down - 
to realign my energies - 
to refocus my path/direction - 
to practice M O R E gratitude - 
to be more O P E N - 
to G I V E time to discovering the story of my art
to E M B R A C E impermanence
to R O O T deeper into myself

I'm excited to share this time/experience with you all. Thank you for all the love and support.

.6 years apart.

I just realized its been 6 years to the day since I returned from Ecuador - the emotions swelled up inside of me and crashed inside like that most incredible wave - taking my breath away (knocking the wind of out me for a moment) - the nostalgia. The joy - the sorrow of 27 months of my life from which it all pivoted - revealed - altered - destroyed - rejuvenated. Ecuador ripped my soul to shreds - broke my heart/spirit/body in ways I didn't know were possible. It left me washed up on the shore with no strength to get up or knowledge of where to go - so I rested for a while - I wondered if I'd ever find the strength to stand up but I did get up - I pulled myself up because I had no other way - option. 

I wandered for a good while - I followed people/signs/flashed of light - aimless until I realize that all that weakness/wounds/sorrow were the greatest gifts - ripping me free from myself - from the narrow world i'd known. Everything was open to me. My broken heart was an expanding heart.  My lost mind was my freedom. This journey is so much more complex - rich - vibrant than I could've even imagined.

Ecuador I am forever grateful
for you
you changed my life
it's been 6 years and I think
i've only began to understand
our journey together.
_________________________________________

From my last blog post in Ecuador, August 5th 2009:

"Ecuador has become home, not easily but it has and that it what has made the end of this time so beautiful, all the struggle that I encountered along the way. I’ve seen so much; I’ve been shocked, surprised, devastated, infuriated, elated making it impossible to tell you how my life is going to change and has changed. But my ambitious wish is that my actions will be the example of the changes. That I won’t even for a moment forget this life, the voices, the smells, the struggle, or the heartache. I hope to always be afflicted by the voices and the faces of those born into injustice. That the small amount of exposure you’ve had from my journey has given you a glimpse of Ecuador, a vibrant country full of wonders and struggle and from which I’ve realized despite how great our differences may seem our few commonalities will always hold us together, as one race.

So to you all I send you my love and gratitude for sharing this journey with me. I give thanks to pachamama and the people that showed me the immense beauty in life's simplicities."

.new beginnings.

Today was the first day of class. I'm officially a midwifery student. 

The day was powerful and intense. I found my mind drifting between scared out of my mind to overflowing with joy. We had a ceremonial sister circle to start the day to welcome this new beginning by sharing our stories. It was fulfilling and draining to hear it all and to be present (vulnerable) through it all (we don't offer do that.). One Midwife shared that it was the death of her Mother that brought her to Midwifery. 

The complex connection between strength and weakness, life and death, I felt it. I feel it. 

I thought about the loss that I have experienced this past year. That loss has been the preparation (rebirth) - the vulnerability to be at a place to say "YES, I'll leave it all behind". It still hurts/aches/throbs when I try to hold onto it. When I get lost in the then versus the now. 

When I try to change it. 
When I won't let it be (go). 

I wouldn't have been able to say yes without the striping of some very strong pillars that have been in my life. Some of those pillars are gone, transformed, or at least not main weight barriers anymore. It's beautiful and painful. 

There is so much death in this rebirth and some much rebirth in this dead. 

So much love to each and every one of you.

.vancouver.

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."
.Henry Ford. 

This weekend my sister and I ventured north to Vancouver (did you know it is the #1 most livable city in the world?!?!? I'd believe it!!) for a yoga conference. Vancouver wooed us to say the least - authentic conversations were had with strangers, doors were held open, delicious ethic dishes were consumed, oms were chanted, and afternoons were spend window shopping locally made goodies. It was such a rejuvenating weekend to be in such a lively friendly city.

We spent Saturday enjoying the free yoga classes to the max. At the end of the first class (heart opening) the next instructor came in before we could roll up our mats so we felt it was only right to stay for the next one (gratitude yoga) which was just as great so when it was time for the third class (yin yoga) you guessed it, we stayed. 2 straight hours of yoga. I don't remember feeling that relaxed/energized/rejuvenated ever! During such a time of transition yoga is what brings me back inside to look honestly at myself and I am grateful. 

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I was sipping a bedtime yogi tea (have you had yogi teas? so good. and bedtime...whoa. trust me you'll be ready for bed after it.) and the tags always have thoughtful quotes - this one in particular spoke to me. It said:

"Empty yourself and let the universe fill you" 

What a beautiful thought - let the universe fill you - let life happen - have faith in the moment - trust your intuition - love yourself enough to be just you. What empties me? Yoga and Art. They release it all and leave me feeling open and ready.

Have you even thought about what empties you? What charges you? I hope you give yourself time to really examine that and to incorporate whatever that is in your daily life because you deserve it. You deserve more - you deserve the best life.

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."

If you think you deserve it - then you do. If you don't think you deserve it - then you don't. 
What are you are seeking you WILL find.

Love to you on your journey.