.day 20.

That past few days I've felt a shift happening inside of myself. I started feeling anxious, I've been here 3 weeks now....what am I doing with my time? I'm wasting time. 3 weeks - I have these feelings like I want/need/have to change the way I make art/run my jewelry business - but how? My teacher has been so amazing to open my eyes in a new way, I look at jewelry differently now. I can't make the same pieces I was making before, but what do I want to make? I sat down yesterday and forced myself to sketch some ideas. I need to be sketching! I didn't like anything that I did. I started losing myself in these direct questions and expectations and sat with no answers for anything.

I've started reaching for/relying on these mindless loops of checking emails - did anyone write me?,  checking instagram - do people like my picture?, going to the grocery store - I should try a new recipe, not knowing what to do for the day...distracted and detached. Thus began the second wave of judgement, I am inside of a dream right now! I live in an adorable apartment in an magical town in Portugal, everything should be the best (and easy)! I wake up every morning grateful to be here but this was something moving deep inside of me. This trip is different in ways from other trips I've taken, it's been more meditative. I go out and explore the land here but I'm not on the move. I have made friends in town but I'm not trying to meet a lot of people or find the best spots in town. I spend a lot of quiet time with myself. I think all of this has allowed time and space to shift things, to feel the emerging of something. I came home from metalsmithing class last night and was planning on going to the local bar to meet people but I didn't want to go. I started feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I checked my email, instagram, blogs and made dinner. These mindless loops led me to Kyle Cease. He's part comedian/part motivational speaking, you might have seen this video go around the internet. He started this 100 day meditation challenge for himself. He meditates for around 2 hours everyday and then posts a video about what came up for him. I started watching the introduction video and totally connected to what he was saying, how we live in a world where we try to take care of/figure out things SO directly we end up getting in the way of amazing ideas. The more we relax - the more ideas come through. YES! I am pressured by time and after just enjoying my space here for the first 2 weeks (vacation/settling in phase) I've started to feel the pressure/expectation of time or lack of time and shifted my perspective from "enjoy" to "figure this out!" "where's that great idea?" "what's the detailed business plan?""why haven't you designed a new line to jewelry yet??" Such a powerful realization!! This journey here keeps reminding me to TRUST more and to be more KIND to myself. 

I started meditating today. I set an alarm for 20 minutes and went for it. I am challenging myself to meditate everyday for the rest of my time here to see what emerges. I also challenging myself to stop looking so directly at my anxieties and questions but instead to be more thoughtful with my time and fill it with things that fulfill me - to be present in this beautiful space. 

-bike rides

-blogging

-taking pictures

-trying new Portuguese recipes

-collecting things at low tide 

-making weavings from found natural objects

-do yoga

-meet local artists

-try espresso and all the cafes

-practice Portuguese

-read books

-explore the Ria Formosa area

-and more!!

.2 0 1 6.

I LOVE the transition into the NEW YEAR - it's so refreshing to me. I'm a nomad, of course my favorite time of year is going to the beginning! I was also a birth worker for a time so I really love new beginnings - birth - the sweet first moments - the possibilities - the dreams - the energy!

I'm thinking so many things right now on the the last day of 2015. I'm thinking I can't believing I'm getting on a plane tomorrow for PORTUGAL! I'm thinking I can't believe that is was 10 years ago that I started this nomadic journey of a life. I'm thinking this year has been so beautiful - in such a raw personal way. I'm thinking where do I want to go in 2016?

I posted this quote last year, but I'm posting it again because it's SO good and SO true. It's time to make a decision - embarking on the new year - what are you going to take? what are you going to do? where are you going to go? what do you WANT?

“These are times of decision, of change, of choice….it’s time for something to go, something to be removed. Anything that is inhibiting, holding us back, it can be a belief it can person, it can be a job, it can be a country…It can be anything that is holding us back. Now needs to go…it’s like we are being stripped of our known familiar sense of security, sense of identity, sense of who I am.”

“…So what is coming up now for so many of us is a new future…birth of the new always requires the separation from the known, familiar, secure past. It can be beautiful, it’s a flowering, it’s an opening, it’s a creation, and it can be very scary…

“…Now is the time for planning this future, and it’s a very good time for doing that and preparing ourselves…the ship’s gonna leave the port, the new paradigm is going to take off, and now we are packing our bags and have to decide what to leave and what to take….you cannot take everything with you. Now it’s time to choose.” 

mysticmamma

TEN YEARS ago I was freaking out sitting in LAX at midnight with all the lights out, there was only about 20 people around. I had a moment of wondering if the airport was actually closed - if we were stranded and I just wasn't able to understand the announcement in Spanish. I arrived in Mexico in the early morning hours of the new year feeling sick to my stomach - why did I ever want to come to an unknown town where they speak an unknown language for 10 weeks?! I continued to freak out for the first few weeks and felt like crying everytime someone tried to ask me something that I didn't understand (despite years of Spanish classes) but I figured it. I feel in love. I was forever changed by that tiny unknown town where they spoke that unknown language. Here I am again 10 years later starting the new year in an airplane flying off to an unknown town where they speak and unknown language. I had my obligatory freakout moment yesterday and called my Mom. WHAT was I thinking? 8 weeks? I don't even speak Portuguese? Why did I think that was a good idea? She reminded me (as she always does) this is who I am - this is what I do - I seek - I explore - I challenge myself. 

Sometimes I feel like life is so overwhelming and complex and other times it just feels beautiful. It just feels beautiful right now - to be scared - to be able to have found my art - to be able to have the freedom to travel - to be able to have found a town that I am really going to miss while I am away - to be able to hear my true voice - to be able to start to accept myself for who I am. I let go of some labels this year that has allowed me to be right here. 

I'm taking these words into this new year. To continue to honor and respect myself for WHO I AM in my purest (ever evolving) form. To STOP hiding behind things - To STOP reaching outwards - To STOP choosing others over myself . To let go of the lies and root into myself so deeply that I can't get lost.

"All these years of practice have made you a master of pretending to be what you think you are. And that distorted image of yourself is really your grave, because the real you is not the one who is living your life.

“And who is living your life? …Is it the real you who judges yourself and punishes yourself… Is it the real you who abuses your body? Is it the real you who doesn’t even like yourself? Is it really the real you who is dreaming all that? No, it’s not the real you.”

“When you recover awareness, you resurrect and come back to life."

.broken.

There's something broken inside of me.
I know the crack has been there for some time.
A small crack.
Maybe there were a few small cracks.
But this impact - this moment - those words hit and I felt the crack growing - expanding - running
as soon as I said "it's cracking!!" everything seemed to shatter.
I said "it's broken - it BROKE"
but no one answered - no one was there - maybe no one heard
Panic crashed over me
broke
broken
only when the panic washed away I realized I wasn't broken
I was breaking open
expanding

growing

birthing

blooming

closer to myself - me.

.YES YES YES.

“When you need to speak out, your soul and your body will tell you. Your soul will tell you by sending you the message that the situation you are in is no longer acceptable to the highest level of your being…”

“When you know there’s something you have to say, find the time to say it. The time may be now, the time may be soon, the time may be when you decide it is, or when there’s an opportunity. 

“Look for the time, or create it; but whatever you do, speak up. Then, notice how you feel after you’ve said what you needed to. Do you feel you love yourself more than you used to? Notice how your sense of your own value has improved.”

~Daphne Rose Kingma

.discovery.

I went for a hike yesterday - up into the hills to see the contrast of winter colors and the coming of spring growth. The washed out colors next to the newness almost seemed electric in their contrast. The clouds clung to the mountain and in weather unusual to the dry central Washington - a light mist came watering the Big sagebrush giving the air an invigorating earthy smell - a healing aroma of new life - spring. 

Big sagebrush grows wild (and rampant) in the foothills here. A plant that has given much to the people of this land with its many uses - ceremonially being placed in sweat lodges to alleviate respiratory ailments and/or to cleanse the air with its invigorating scent. It can help soothe the sting of mosquito bites. As well as, a natural dye - making a bright yellow hue. 

As I climbed higher into the mountains I noticed the vibrant fuchsia buds on the Big sagebrush leaves - galls. The Big sagebrush leaf produces this fuzzy fuchsia gall as a reaction to the burrowed larva of an insect - nature is so amazing.

I felt lost in my own land. A reminder of how much newness can be discovered from the known. I hope you go out and discover - today - this weekend - this week - this spring.

.birth.

I caught a beautiful baby boy Saturday night after a long emotional day. She came in at 5 cm and was having a hard time with contractions. It was her first baby. By the time she was 6 cm she was really discouraged and saying,"I can't do this". Her family asked if she was at-risk of having a C-section. Her partner asked if we could do anything to get the baby out, "Does it just come out on its own?". The way we hide birth in our society is infuriating to me. Childbirth education is to watch a birth - to see the struggle - the way you reach your limits and rise beyond - to understand that becoming a Mother is the greatest transition - how could it not be? We moved to the tub and she saw that she had a bulging bag of waters and she started screaming "what is it??" we told her that her baby was near. She continued to scream and said,"what do I do?" She was so frightened and disconnected from her body. After a few pushes she asked "Is there any other way?" It was so disheartening to see a young woman so distraught - so unprepared for this huge moment - so resistant to being present. She needed someone to hold her hand way before this moment of pushing. But sometimes that is life - it can be slow and steady and other times you wake up and have to decide in a moment whether you are going to step up and open that door and just sit back and let things happen to you. It was exhausting to be with this woman but also a much needed reminder that what you believe/think/direct our energy towards will become your truth. 

I went for a long walk after I got off shift to let it all soak in. To remember the privilege in my life, to sit with a woman and watch her baby come into this world - with no hands - no intervention. To embrace a life that isn't stagnant. To be fiercely reminded of all the beauty right in front of me. 

.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -

much like birth -

not at all what i expected -

much longer harder -

so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -

alone -

a personal journey -

desperate for a community -
a group consensus -

i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -

that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -

to a newness.

So much loss this past year -

but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 

but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 

remind me that i am alive

to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo

yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"

are some things too close to hold

maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance

it's not the interaction with the moment

but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability

that realization

that truth

that wound

so what do you do

how do you spend your time

how do you find that fulfillment

how do you let go of the expectations

how do you define those expectations

so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me

or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive

and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs

are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much

am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then

i am a different person now -

that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go

to say this isn't it

to not just that but

to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew

to move forward 

.reflections after a long day.

I wrote Rick Perry an angry e-mail this morning. I was mad. I am disgusted by the choices being made in Texas. I'm now wondering why I wrote the e-mail. I wrote the e-mail because I feel it's unfair for someone to push their ideas/choices/values on someone else. So I reacted and did the very same thing, I pushed back. 

It seems like in the States things are only increasing in tension. The temperature is rising and I'm wondering if there is going to be a breaking point. We can only yell so loud at each other. So why are we yelling? How do we step back from reacting into a place of compassion and understanding?

I was riding home from work yesterday and suddenly I heard honking and a vehicle was about 6 inches behind me. I was initially surprised. I couldn't understand what was going on for them to be so upset/in a hurry...then I realized it was ME! I was riding on the road and he didn't like it. The driver then aggressively passed me and the passenger said some choice words directed towards me. It seemed ridiculous. We then met up at the red light again and I passed them. I was mad. I called the non-emergency line to report aggressive driving.

Part of my job is working as a Care Coordinator working with families with medically fragile children. With working with the public/community you sometimes find that some people don't have the coping skills they needs/wear the outfit of a victim/choose to not make changes and with the children's best interest in mind you have to report neglect. I had to report yesterday.

Is this the answer though? Are e-mails, calls, and reports doing any good? Or just encouraging this system? Am I just pushing back?

2013 was predicted by some to be the beginning of a new dawn...it this it? Is this discomfort/violence/hatred the shifting of our paradigm?

It has to be. 

Rick Perry is not the issue, the aggressive driver doesn't have anything against me, and those parents aren't horrible people. These are just branches of a tree with extremely deep roots. 

We are a broken, lost, lonely, and isolated people. We have numbed ourselves to the degree that we are lost in our very own bodies. The time to slow down, listen, reconnect, and love YOURself is today.

Do you practice self care?
What do you do for YOURself?

.movement is happening in my life.

Last night I went to concert with Blake Noble. My sister said "We are constantly around music, we were exposed to the guitar at a young age, but when he played it was totally different" But what was different, it was still the guitar? It was his passion and authenticity. His music made me feel charged. Have you even been around someone that just made you feel good? 

He has found his focus.

In this world I live in, despite all "modern conveniences" I find it extremely distracting. Malawi left me feeling raw but full - I truly believe this because I didn't have the phone to make calls, internet worth "browsing" on, lights weren't affecting my natural sleep patterns, and the moon phases shinning down on me each night. These elements freed me to be. While back in America I feel constantly pressured to have "success" to make the "right" choice, to speed up my pace, numb myself by the chaos of media and advertising, surrounded by people that I won't ever talk to, hide myself in my house - my car - my phone, live a life putting out "fire" so that I don't have to push further. Somedays I feel the further we "advance" in America the further we get from "ourselves." The youth of this country are looking for nurture and meaning in all the empty places and we are so busy with our anxiety driven schedule we don't seem to notice. We are so busy planning for the "perfect" thing/moment/idea that lose all the beauty that is right there in front of you. It's taken me a few times of transiting from this world to another to really see and feel this. It really affected me the first time I came back to America - and it knocked me down even further the next time - but Malawi seemed to empower and heal me. When you don't have much to hold onto you tend to savor the now. 

I'm different today - this time - I felt the difference last night. The truth I have found is that the only way to heal this world and fill it with love is to find your own love - to live your life. 

To live your focus. 

What fills me up? What is my focus? How do I find my focus? I think I already know I just have to trust. I found this wisdom helpful:

"You've been expanding and developing for years but you simply haven't been able to digest all of it. Doing something with your hands, rather than you head is often the best route to clarity." Joan Erikson

Some might find power in art, some find it to be just an activity or hobby but it doesn't matter when you are living your purpose/focus it needs no label because it is felt. You will be birthing your love - overflowing your love healing yourself - your tribe - your community - your country - your world. And we could all use some healing. <3 font="">

I hope inspiration in present in your life.

Fluidity of Gender

I attended a lecture by the artist Linda Stein last night. She introduced herself as a female, lesbian, new yorker, feminist, artist, activist, jewish, swimmer...the attributes continue. She encouraged us to think about how we would define ourselves? 

Have you ever defined yourself? 

I did years ago in a college course but I didn't really meditate much on it. I think I'm ready to think about it again - I think I need to think about it again. I was inspired by Linda's personal stories, stories of what her norms looked and felt like being a teen in the early 60's. A memorable moment was going out to dinner with a plumber. She knew to ask a lot of questions and talk little about herself, "When did you decided to be a plumber? What a dream! How exciting to solve problems with faucets and toilets all day" were some of convo you would've overheard during this date. She knew this wasn't her authentic self and went on to decided that she didn't want to date a plumber or a man. She LET GO. She also shared that was a good athlete growing up but realized at around 10 that she wasn't suppose to be good, the boys win. So she just stopped playing or playing good anyway. Not until she was  in her 30's playing tennis with an esteemed artist friend of hers did she (after a lot of self-pep talking) play her best and win 6-Love. She said she was afraid that she would lose a friend if she played well, but instead she LET GO. 

Have you ever denied your authentic self for an expectation? 

I have. I didn't apply myself. I denied my feelings. I lost the game. I waited around for a phone call. I decided that someones else validation (or lack of) was going to determine my day - my value - my choices. But we have to FEEL all of this in order to LET IT GO. And we can find that strength to LET GO by witnessing what beautiful things Linda has birthed from this letting go.

It reminds me of a quote I read this morning in my meditation book, "Try to do everything in the world with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." 

Achaan Chah.

Linda's installment was a collection of shields or "knights" as she referred to them. Androgynous body like forms that were comprised of wonder woman comic strips that said "CAUTION: Feminist it's time for you to break through the glass ceiling!" or black leather suits made of sandals, designer purses, jewels, swiss watches, etc. The pieces affected me in different ways: a soft encouragement, a firm motivation, or powerful strength from a distance.

Her lecture and art affected me. Linda's passion and words affected. My Sister and I talked about it the whole way home. I kept thinking about it when I got home. I'm writing about it this morning. It's a fire in my mind.

The power of an idea - a passion - of art - a purpose can set fire.

It makes me wonder what kind of fires am I setting or if i am setting any at all?

is this fluidity? ha ha.

.vancouver.

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."
.Henry Ford. 

This weekend my sister and I ventured north to Vancouver (did you know it is the #1 most livable city in the world?!?!? I'd believe it!!) for a yoga conference. Vancouver wooed us to say the least - authentic conversations were had with strangers, doors were held open, delicious ethic dishes were consumed, oms were chanted, and afternoons were spend window shopping locally made goodies. It was such a rejuvenating weekend to be in such a lively friendly city.

We spent Saturday enjoying the free yoga classes to the max. At the end of the first class (heart opening) the next instructor came in before we could roll up our mats so we felt it was only right to stay for the next one (gratitude yoga) which was just as great so when it was time for the third class (yin yoga) you guessed it, we stayed. 2 straight hours of yoga. I don't remember feeling that relaxed/energized/rejuvenated ever! During such a time of transition yoga is what brings me back inside to look honestly at myself and I am grateful. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I was sipping a bedtime yogi tea (have you had yogi teas? so good. and bedtime...whoa. trust me you'll be ready for bed after it.) and the tags always have thoughtful quotes - this one in particular spoke to me. It said:

"Empty yourself and let the universe fill you" 

What a beautiful thought - let the universe fill you - let life happen - have faith in the moment - trust your intuition - love yourself enough to be just you. What empties me? Yoga and Art. They release it all and leave me feeling open and ready.

Have you even thought about what empties you? What charges you? I hope you give yourself time to really examine that and to incorporate whatever that is in your daily life because you deserve it. You deserve more - you deserve the best life.

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."

If you think you deserve it - then you do. If you don't think you deserve it - then you don't. 
What are you are seeking you WILL find.

Love to you on your journey.