I've been reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo everyday (so good!!) and something from yesterday's entry really spoke to me, it said "only rarely have I let go completely, yet those moment of total surrender have throughly changed my life." "When lonely and afraid to reach out, I have somehow collapsed repeatedly into the ocean of another's love, and it cleansed my weary heart." I found those words to hold such a beautiful vulnerability, to "collapse repeatedly into the ocean of another's love" I thought about how rare it is for me let go enough to collapse into another's love.

I started thinking about why I keep it all in.
I started thinking about all the things I've learned - absorbed!
The quietness that I have claimed - the weakness - the obedience - the fear.

I realized that in order to collapse into the ocean of another's love I have to choose myself! I have to  start saying I know what is best - that I know what I need - that I deserve all the goodness that is before me.  TO CHOOSE myself! TO RESIDE inside myself with a deep rootedness. TO STOP choosing fear.

I went to Walden Pond yesterday and swan and read and sunbathed and then walked around the pond. I've been going on walks lately trying to pay attention more - observe/absorb. Every time I find so much beauty in the decaying tress - the gaping bark - the hollow trunks - to see the cycle of life/death/regeneration/repurpose - the flow of life in such a tangible way.

.words to live by.

“Hidden doubts and fears build walls around you.

When you humbly acknowledge,

allow yourself to be aware of,

your doubts and your fears,

the walls come down.

You are open and vulnerable.

You are imperfect.

You are lovable.

Your vulnerability, not your light,

is your most attractive quality.

All people give off light.

Vulnerable people also let light in.”

~Paul Williams

.fresh eyes.

How does our past and fear limit us? I find that I use my past and fear like a compass for the future. The past is just the past. It is no longer our reality and it will never be a reality again. What is it that makes us hold so tight to what once was? Is it a conditioning to think that if that is then it will be again. BUT we are changing with our environment in every moment. What is to come will never be what was. What can we do to remind ourselves of this? To remain open? That this moment always presents a new opportunity. Maybe it won't look like what we thought it would. It will most likely be nothing like we thought but that doesn't indicate anything other than our narrow expectations. 

To start each day with fresh eyes. How do you keep fresh eyes? What helps you to trust (be present)? To free yourself of expectations?

.365 days ago.

"Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that's 
the one that is going to require the most from you." 

- Caroline Myss

One year ago today I was already setting off while those familiar warm fuzzy stomach jitters were setting in, Wenatchee to Seattle, Seattle to New York, New York to Jo-burg, Jo-burg to Lilongwe. I landed 48 hours later disoriented sweaty confused with no luggage to call my own. The birth of Malawi to my life was a groggy moment, with a weary heart and heavy eyelids my mind was racing to understand the local cyclist racing past the car with loads (i.e. goats rodeo tied with their heads bobbing up and down on the bike rack) heavier and higher than the bike and cyclist combined, mud huts with grass thatched roofs, cars driving on the "wrong" side of road (are we going to wreck?!? does this guy know how to drive?) - it felt like a surreal dream.

Peace Corps staff dropped me off at the hostel (called Korea Gardens. HUH? Where am I?) and said they'd see me in the morning. Alone exhausted disoriented I was left in a hot and murky cement block with a tiny window, this would be my new "home" for the 10 days of orientation. The bathroom was more like a mosquito breeding ground with a toilet in it. The hostel staff was yelling outside the window or maybe they were just talking I couldn't tell. I sat down on the foam pad bed staring at the whitewashed walls, sweat running down my body wondering what have I gotten myself into THIS time?
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Two and a half weeks prior I was sitting on my bed in my big red barn in Arlington talking to my Mom on the phone, it was time to decide yes and give notice to work or say no and let it go. I was ready to let it go - it was too wild - not right - bad timing. But my Mom as she always is in these gut retching decisions I love to put myself in the middle of said, "why wouldn't you go?" so I gave all the typical answers and I said, "Maybe I'm saying from fear that it's not the right time. I almost said no to Ecuador out of fear and I know all the beauty that came from that decision" and she said, "there's your answer" and I (typical Alicia) said, "What? What's my answer?" "you have to go to Malawi to follow your fear".
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And here I am a year later - Malawi wasn't an easy experience it demanded all of me - some days she demanded more that I thought I was capable of giving but from those sweet uncomfortable moments she has made me a more empathic, more vibrant, and vulnerable person.

I'm SO grateful for life - for open opportunities of new growth - for the privilege to have Malawi in my life - for a support network that let's me "figure it out" over and over again - for the chance to live a life that requires the most of me.

I hope that you too are following your fear!

.commitment.

photo taken by caitlyn bradburn.

No matter how far I go, how high the mountains I climb, or how much I open my heart it seems that when commitment (to a decision) comes a knockin’ on my door I rush to turn off the lights and pretend I’m not home...maybe if I’m quiet long enough it’ll just leave.

Despite experiencing over and over the beautiful power found in saying YES, in saying NO, in standing alone, in standing with, the beautiful power in holding firm to myself and my values.

Commitment is letting go of the control and acknowledging I already have the answers inside.  

It’s time once again to turn down the volume of fear and breathe in peace.

Peace in trusting myself.

Peace in the belief that I am enough.

Peace in every moment is just right.
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following in inspiration, I received this beautiful truth today:

"There are no promised moments. This is NOT a dress rehearsal. I feel inspired, motivated and pushed to say, "I love you" to those I love as much as I can. I feel inspired to take risks. I feel pushed to look at my fear and step INTO it, rather then shy away from it. I am feeling time passing more and more and with it, it is whispering to me, "Do what you are afraid of, you won't regret it. Love out loud, you won't forget it. Live in the now, it is your present. The future is bright if you let it... be.""  -the daily love.


much love to you all always.

.brand new.

I get so caught up focusing on my weaknesses, my faults, my “mistakes”, my regrets, my fears, the way I allow others to influence my decisions, the days I take the easy road, the place I feel society wants me to be at almost 28 years of age, allowing my past to determine my future.

I saw this and it instantly hit me. It felt like that very tight tense balloon I’ve been carrying in my chest for too long had been popped. I took a deep breath. EXHALE. I am brand new.

I am comprised of so many fragments that have brought me to his very moment, but in this moment I am brand new. I am present. I am forward moving. Every moment I can change, I can improve, I can start anew. This truth seems to dissipate the weight of my past because new opportunities abound me now. That is powerful.

I hope these words speak to you as they did me.
Much love to you all always.

.facing our fears and finding truth in the moment.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek". - Joseph Campbell

What do you fear? I fear so many things, commitment, vulnerability, judgment, …I won’t bore you with the novel. I was reading a recent daily love talking about the power found in facing, acknowledging, naming our fears. It asked how can we imagine our potential when our view is cluttered with fear?

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My Mother raised me with sweet loving words. She told me from a young age of the care and pride that filled her body while she carried me. Birthing me naturally, welcoming me into this world with love and confidence in her body.

But as a young girl I frequently watched “A Baby Story” on TLC (what a TV choice, right?). I was frightened (to say the least) but enthralled, I knew of my birth story (a real story) and held it near my heart but was somehow capsized by the “truths” of these women’s stories. Honestly, I remember being 13 unable to change the (horrible) channel while FREAKING OUT I would be THAT woman some day. Strapped down, distraught, screaming (is she possessed????). Hoping by the time I was to have children science would “outsmart” the body. That’s almost 15 years ago but the fear was real. It took me years to see the beauty in pregnancy. The first birth I attended was so overwhelming I almost had to leave the room.

Birth – labor – life is powerful, demanding, raw, unknown any and all of these attributes can be felt as fearful.

Our words of it’s fine, I’ll deal with it when it comes, what if - are all fanning the flames of fear, quietly building inside of us. This quote really connected me to my early formed memories of birth, “these old thoughts and ideas (fears) are energy in our lives that rob us of the moment” this is telling me that without presence I can’t progress – I’m static. “When we can begin to trust our perception of the truth in the moment. There is a power in the process, an unfettering of the mind and spirit” Slowing letting go of my thoughts and ideas (fears/A Baby Story flashbacks) I stayed in that room watching Sarahi’s body shift and push her little boy into this world. She wasn’t strapped down, she didn’t even scream, but she fought, she needed love, encouragement, and together we greeted Joshua in this world. I had to let go of my formulated version of “truth” which allowed me to see the beauty in the moment, the truth of the moment.

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As of late:

I fear commitment/decisions. Decisions to me mean missing out on something else, so I don’t like to commit/decide until I have to.

This week I was allowing myself to get eaten up by a decision. Not a monumental decision, but a decision nonetheless. I let it chew on me until I was drained and weak. With encouragement and trust I realized that there was no right or wrong, but an answer. My answer.

By facing my fear I found a truth and power in the process.