.birth.

I caught a beautiful baby boy Saturday night after a long emotional day. She came in at 5 cm and was having a hard time with contractions. It was her first baby. By the time she was 6 cm she was really discouraged and saying,"I can't do this". Her family asked if she was at-risk of having a C-section. Her partner asked if we could do anything to get the baby out, "Does it just come out on its own?". The way we hide birth in our society is infuriating to me. Childbirth education is to watch a birth - to see the struggle - the way you reach your limits and rise beyond - to understand that becoming a Mother is the greatest transition - how could it not be? We moved to the tub and she saw that she had a bulging bag of waters and she started screaming "what is it??" we told her that her baby was near. She continued to scream and said,"what do I do?" She was so frightened and disconnected from her body. After a few pushes she asked "Is there any other way?" It was so disheartening to see a young woman so distraught - so unprepared for this huge moment - so resistant to being present. She needed someone to hold her hand way before this moment of pushing. But sometimes that is life - it can be slow and steady and other times you wake up and have to decide in a moment whether you are going to step up and open that door and just sit back and let things happen to you. It was exhausting to be with this woman but also a much needed reminder that what you believe/think/direct our energy towards will become your truth. 

I went for a long walk after I got off shift to let it all soak in. To remember the privilege in my life, to sit with a woman and watch her baby come into this world - with no hands - no intervention. To embrace a life that isn't stagnant. To be fiercely reminded of all the beauty right in front of me. 

.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -

much like birth -

not at all what i expected -

much longer harder -

so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -

alone -

a personal journey -

desperate for a community -
a group consensus -

i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -

that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -

to a newness.

So much loss this past year -

but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 

but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 

remind me that i am alive

to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo

yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"

are some things too close to hold

maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance

it's not the interaction with the moment

but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability

that realization

that truth

that wound

so what do you do

how do you spend your time

how do you find that fulfillment

how do you let go of the expectations

how do you define those expectations

so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me

or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive

and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs

are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much

am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then

i am a different person now -

that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go

to say this isn't it

to not just that but

to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew

to move forward 

.first catch.

She arrived early in the morning hours with her Mom. She was handed over to me when I arrrived at the clinic at 8am. She was a young first time Mom and only 3cm, I was excited to have a slow labor today and take time to get to know her. It seems to be what I need - all my labor sits have been slow and steady. We found her passing the room - overflowing with energy - adorable and bossy in a way that I wish I found more Mama's to be - in that I know what I need because I listen to my body way. Maybe that is the joy of being young and not been exposed yet to all the things that the world says - all the ideas of what you are - what you will feel - the unbearable pain.

She was determined to get into the tub and I was wondering if that would slow things down even more - she was only 3 - just barely active. We left to review her chart and came back in to find her wanting to push. So kindly yet forcefully we had to keep reminding her to breathe through the contractions it wasn't time - discrediting all that her body was telling her.  It seems like we do that a lot with first time Mama's but when you body tells you things you know where it's the first or 5th time. So after she resisting this for a few contractions we call the Staff midwife and she confirmed that she was complete in only 30 minutes.

I was going to catch this baby. 

And with about 7 minutes of pushing a beautiful baby was born. Her body felt so tiny and delicate in my hands. The first hands to greet her into this world.

It felt overwhelming. 

Mama birthed her placenta moments later with almost all the blood and blood clots inside of the membranes. It was one of the calmest and cleanest births I have yet to witness.We dried Mama off while Grandma held the baby and she updated her facebook status to announce that her baby had been born.

birth happens.

.birth.

I came into the room late. The baby's head was peaking out but Mama was stressed and possessed, I thought it was her first baby due to her resistance, thrashing her body around on the bed. I had to take fetal heart tones and was sure she was going to end up kicking me in the face. Grabbing the bed posts screaming "no puedo,  no puedo" and then bouncing her body up grabbing her thigh where she had a cramp. Her belly was small and I wondered what her story was, what is she letting go of right now - nervous erratic like she wasn't ready for her baby to meet this world. 

She gave another push and there was the head and it seemed like instantly the baby was born. And in that very moment the high energy evaporated and a sweet subtleness fell on the room. She exhaled loudly and held her baby. Her face soften and she immediately started thanking everyone in the room. And then she said "es una nina, no? una nina?" and the Midwife said "mira a tu bebe" so she picked her baby up from her chest and exclaimed crying "es nina". The Midwife checked her for any tears and more softness settled into the room and she started telling her daughter how she was almost born in the car, crossing the border. 

She lives in a town an hour and a half from the border with no family in El Paso so she didn't leave home until contractions started. This was her third baby - so you never know how much time you have. She said the contractions came fast and strong as they were waiting in line to cross over. She kept holding her breath and telling her baby not to come, but babies know when they need to come. So looking back at her very physical birth - it was just her trying tell her body that it was safe to relax and let the baby come. It was now time. 

Oh the love of a Mama - is unbelievable.
Birth.

Life is fascinating and mighty - vibrant yet intricate and delicate.

Loss (birth) has become a REAL element of my life - a conscious element of my life - something I look at head on - breathe into - let mold me into a more empathetic vulnerable me.

We all experience loss (birth) on a daily basis in many forms - the loss of a loved one to a simple expectation. To all of you (us) I hold that space of love, patience, time and send you a wave of healing because with each loss there is renewal (birth).

-----------------------

I'm moving across the country and I'm moving forward to life that lives in Birth (loss). My world will soon revolve and exist on this entrance and exit. WOW. Who will this make me? What will my baseline thoughts be? How will I interact with the rest of the world? The middle (messy) parts?

As I get ready to go I begin to accept/face the loss of a soon to be former me/rejoice in the birth of the new self.

I hold on. It's beautiful.



Love to all the beautiful people who rise to meet the road, who realize we can't change life but we can change our reactions.

love love love.

.año viejo.

In Ecuador at the end of a year they go to great lengths to build/create "años viejos" which are life size puppets made of various materials - you will find them looking as though they are of the same image as the creator or some pop culture figure. They are then on the 31st surrounded by parties, food, and dancing then light on fire at the culmination of the night to represent the burning of all the "bad" parts of the year to bring goodness into the new year. I love this tradition. Looking at ways to improve and bring more light and love into the coming year.

What would you burn?


I wouldn't burn any experience from this year however you want to classify it - there was a lesson to learn. I would burn some of my more classic tendencies: hot headed nature, impatience, and future planning that always takes away the power of a moment.

ruby jean

This year has been one of the most beautiful years of my life. This year was started in on the shores of Lake Malawi and will end in my hometown surrounded by family mourning the loss of my Nana, Ruby Jean. My year started with a new culture, new job, new country, new continent and to end with a sweet sweet goodbye to the most pure hearted woman I have ever known that raised me with strong values, a servant's heart, and fierce strength. How symbolic to have a year starting with birth and ending with death.

In many ways I feel like this year has pushed me to the limits of my known self allowing for a new perspective. Living in new surrounding and experiencing life in a new transition I'm ending 2012 feeling full of questions and fragile but at the same sense full of hope for 2013 and all the answers it will gather and the new sensitivity to NOW.

I'm so beyond grateful for the company of new and old teachers I have met along the way this year. 
I hope you let the refreshing newness of 2013 wash over you and exhale the truth that all we have is right now.

Much love to you all always.

two of my favorite teachers