.fourth trimester.

I turned 42 three days after Amado turned three months, the end of the fourth trimester and a year after he was conceived in the most vibrant season of spring, the foothills are overflowing with pink flock, yellow balsamroot, electric bitterbrush and the pungent smell of sage after spring rains. It’s my favorite time of year - renewal + hope, another rotation around that sun and now the sweet anniversary of Amado. A gift I started growing last year! A gift to celebrate every year. We feel so interwoven, the timing makes sense.

His labor was late (if you can say such a thing when you have no control and hold no wisdom about these things). I guess you could say I was waiting longer than expected for him and then when he started to make his way, things still took their time. 

Every stage took its time, pushing me to my limits. Challenging my ability to be so firmly present to life. 

So much of our lives are lived here or there, past or present and birth will shake you to your very limit to be so so present. I traveled so far deep within myself I didn’t know where I was or who I was. Time and place didn’t exist. All the edges soften to a blur, with only distant murmurs from those who were right next to me. I traveled to the very depths - the darkest place full of curves and corners so you never knew where you were or had any reference to gauge - just here. Then at last it was time to push. When pushing came it felt like I was breaking outside of myself and transforming into a wild animal - breaking myself open to make space for you. The urge would start and then an unseen force would take control until it passed -a moment to breath until it came again. But you came, 2 hrs of pushing later, but it felt like minutes, you came and I saw your face and it all made sense. That face, a face I think I’ve known, no memories, just a feeling of deep belonging. It doesn’t always happen this way but for me it felt like a big huge ocean wave crashed over me and I was so utterly in love with you - my whole body buzzed. 

The first three months have been the journey of crawling out of that dark cave. Not a darkness to be feared, just the unknown with no reference and no time. Three months, so little time and I already barely remember it, just a rapid blur. It feels like the light is peeking through and I’m blinking my eyes heavy with sleep from this deep dream, so overwhelming and so beautiful - I’m speechless. My body is still tired and my mind rapidly evolving. 

It just feels like the most incredible honor to hold you and care for you - to learn you and also a bit confusing to be in this body with so much still unknown and recalibrating.

Three months with you and a new year of life for both of us. So many firsts to come. So much to learn about you. So much expansion. I hope I can stay still and present and in awe for all to come as we leave this little bubble we’ve created. 

.welcome to the world, amado.

Welcome to the world, Amado! A little guy who takes his time, isn’t rushed (unless it’s meal time). Estimated to make his debut somewhere between New Year’s Eve and January 3rd on the Super Full Moon but he wasn’t ready yet. He gave us a week of soft relaxing days leading up to his arrival, already balancing out my fast Aries ways with his steady Capricorn approach.

Then on January 5th he began to warm up for his arrival. Things progressed so quickly that I thought maybe he would arrive that night but when the midwives arrived everything slowed down and he decided not just yet. By 3 am the midwives said it was best to try to get some sleep and wait. He had his own timeline. Dialated to 5 cm, I tried to sleep through the contractions, exhausted and wondering if he would come soon or if it would still be a few days. When mornkng came I thought it was just going to be another low key day until around 1 pm things started to feel different and by 3pm contractions were close and strong. The midwife returned about 4pm, finding me in the dark bathroom bouncing on a birth ball. She agreed that he was ready to move things forward.

From here it would be a long journey that became more blurry and nonlinear and the night approached and a new day came. Each stage of labor seeeming to be without a reference of time. I dove into the darkness of birth, being pulled to another place without time or defined edges. I could still absorb my surroundings but they were like far off voices. I wore my eye mask for the birth, using it to block out all the sensory around me to stay deep within. I didn’t want to tempt my conscious mind. Just stay in the present moment.

It felt like ocean waves going deep within and then lightly pulled out to hear a voice offering food, a drink, a light suggestions. 

In and out in and out
Somehow finding moments of reprieve
Water broke
Ginger honey seltzer
Stay curious
Head at knuckles length
I am birthing the entire world
Fully dialated
Time to push
Lick of honey and salt from Jose
New spot
Another new spot
Holding hands
Pushing
Primal desires
Internal convulsions to open
Opening the way to Amado
Out of tub
Holding onto Mary Jo
Head born
Shoulders
Baby
In my arms
Turned over to see
To see his face
To know him
After so long
His bright eyes
Held in my arms
Mi amorcito
Unreal
That he’s real
This being growing inside of me is here
On the other side
24 hrs later
So much work together
The strongest team work never to be forgotten
It’s real after feeling so unreal for 40 weeks
Laid in bed just holding his sweet little body
8 lbs 13 oz
22 inches long
14.5” head circumference
A big healthy boy

Just the beginning

.the waiting place.

I find myself in the waiting place. It's a place we continue to find ourselves in life if we are present. We all experience the waiting place over and over again in small and big ways but there are so many distractions to provide an illusion that we can bypass the waiting place but with all seasons there is pause and transition.

This waiting place feels big and expansive, more unknown that I've ventured before. 

40 weeks +1 after a late night of rolling contractions, for awhile I thought today would be the day with the baby earthside, but around 3am things started to slow and dissipate to a silent pause, waiting again. So today, I'm gifted another day of slowness of waiting. 

How do we inhabit and hold this space - this gift and challenge? To exist in the unknown is such a real way. 

Like the waiting place, we are always in the unknown but the crossing from here to there - women to mother feels like the biggest leap. It's not really a leap though. As this deep expansive birth calls me in it's starting to feel more like a deep journey down into the darkness - into the silence - into the stretching of what my body feels like, the softness of my mind, the disillusion of time. The slow warm up between this being and I, to connect and start this big work together to leave his first home and come greet this world. To the next phase of learning how to live out here with us in this wild place, but for now - big pause. I've already left the waiting place. 

For right now, the waiting place is holding me. I can allow it to cradle me to be soft and sink deep in or I can resist. I'm trying to just be held by it. To enjoy and remember that life is all exerpeince, there is no real qualifications to put on it - good or bad - right or wrong - just being here in this moment. To be open to observe. To allow myself to be grateful to experience this place. It goes against so much to be open to it. It demands I unwind myself from my linear brain and desire to connect and compare. 

I don't know how long I'll be in this waiting place. I'm just here. I'm already learning though, I'm grateful for that. If I'm allowed more time I know my learning will deepen. Yesterday the big learning was to just enjoy it. To think of a yummy dinner and to watch a movie and to let myself release the day. 

My son was born January 7th. I wrote this 3 days before he was born.

.birth.

I caught a beautiful baby boy Saturday night after a long emotional day. She came in at 5 cm and was having a hard time with contractions. It was her first baby. By the time she was 6 cm she was really discouraged and saying,"I can't do this". Her family asked if she was at-risk of having a C-section. Her partner asked if we could do anything to get the baby out, "Does it just come out on its own?". The way we hide birth in our society is infuriating to me. Childbirth education is to watch a birth - to see the struggle - the way you reach your limits and rise beyond - to understand that becoming a Mother is the greatest transition - how could it not be? We moved to the tub and she saw that she had a bulging bag of waters and she started screaming "what is it??" we told her that her baby was near. She continued to scream and said,"what do I do?" She was so frightened and disconnected from her body. After a few pushes she asked "Is there any other way?" It was so disheartening to see a young woman so distraught - so unprepared for this huge moment - so resistant to being present. She needed someone to hold her hand way before this moment of pushing. But sometimes that is life - it can be slow and steady and other times you wake up and have to decide in a moment whether you are going to step up and open that door and just sit back and let things happen to you. It was exhausting to be with this woman but also a much needed reminder that what you believe/think/direct our energy towards will become your truth. 

I went for a long walk after I got off shift to let it all soak in. To remember the privilege in my life, to sit with a woman and watch her baby come into this world - with no hands - no intervention. To embrace a life that isn't stagnant. To be fiercely reminded of all the beauty right in front of me. 

.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -

much like birth -

not at all what i expected -

much longer harder -

so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -

alone -

a personal journey -

desperate for a community -
a group consensus -

i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -

that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -

to a newness.

So much loss this past year -

but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 

but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 

remind me that i am alive

to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo

yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"

are some things too close to hold

maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance

it's not the interaction with the moment

but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability

that realization

that truth

that wound

so what do you do

how do you spend your time

how do you find that fulfillment

how do you let go of the expectations

how do you define those expectations

so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me

or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive

and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs

are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much

am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then

i am a different person now -

that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go

to say this isn't it

to not just that but

to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew

to move forward 

.first catch.

She arrived early in the morning hours with her Mom. She was handed over to me when I arrrived at the clinic at 8am. She was a young first time Mom and only 3cm, I was excited to have a slow labor today and take time to get to know her. It seems to be what I need - all my labor sits have been slow and steady. We found her passing the room - overflowing with energy - adorable and bossy in a way that I wish I found more Mama's to be - in that I know what I need because I listen to my body way. Maybe that is the joy of being young and not been exposed yet to all the things that the world says - all the ideas of what you are - what you will feel - the unbearable pain.

She was determined to get into the tub and I was wondering if that would slow things down even more - she was only 3 - just barely active. We left to review her chart and came back in to find her wanting to push. So kindly yet forcefully we had to keep reminding her to breathe through the contractions it wasn't time - discrediting all that her body was telling her.  It seems like we do that a lot with first time Mama's but when you body tells you things you know where it's the first or 5th time. So after she resisting this for a few contractions we call the Staff midwife and she confirmed that she was complete in only 30 minutes.

I was going to catch this baby. 

And with about 7 minutes of pushing a beautiful baby was born. Her body felt so tiny and delicate in my hands. The first hands to greet her into this world.

It felt overwhelming. 

Mama birthed her placenta moments later with almost all the blood and blood clots inside of the membranes. It was one of the calmest and cleanest births I have yet to witness.We dried Mama off while Grandma held the baby and she updated her facebook status to announce that her baby had been born.

birth happens.

.birth.

I came into the room late. The baby's head was peaking out but Mama was stressed and possessed, I thought it was her first baby due to her resistance, thrashing her body around on the bed. I had to take fetal heart tones and was sure she was going to end up kicking me in the face. Grabbing the bed posts screaming "no puedo,  no puedo" and then bouncing her body up grabbing her thigh where she had a cramp. Her belly was small and I wondered what her story was, what is she letting go of right now - nervous erratic like she wasn't ready for her baby to meet this world. 

She gave another push and there was the head and it seemed like instantly the baby was born. And in that very moment the high energy evaporated and a sweet subtleness fell on the room. She exhaled loudly and held her baby. Her face soften and she immediately started thanking everyone in the room. And then she said "es una nina, no? una nina?" and the Midwife said "mira a tu bebe" so she picked her baby up from her chest and exclaimed crying "es nina". The Midwife checked her for any tears and more softness settled into the room and she started telling her daughter how she was almost born in the car, crossing the border. 

She lives in a town an hour and a half from the border with no family in El Paso so she didn't leave home until contractions started. This was her third baby - so you never know how much time you have. She said the contractions came fast and strong as they were waiting in line to cross over. She kept holding her breath and telling her baby not to come, but babies know when they need to come. So looking back at her very physical birth - it was just her trying tell her body that it was safe to relax and let the baby come. It was now time. 

Oh the love of a Mama - is unbelievable.
Birth.

Life is fascinating and mighty - vibrant yet intricate and delicate.

Loss (birth) has become a REAL element of my life - a conscious element of my life - something I look at head on - breathe into - let mold me into a more empathetic vulnerable me.

We all experience loss (birth) on a daily basis in many forms - the loss of a loved one to a simple expectation. To all of you (us) I hold that space of love, patience, time and send you a wave of healing because with each loss there is renewal (birth).

-----------------------

I'm moving across the country and I'm moving forward to life that lives in Birth (loss). My world will soon revolve and exist on this entrance and exit. WOW. Who will this make me? What will my baseline thoughts be? How will I interact with the rest of the world? The middle (messy) parts?

As I get ready to go I begin to accept/face the loss of a soon to be former me/rejoice in the birth of the new self.

I hold on. It's beautiful.



Love to all the beautiful people who rise to meet the road, who realize we can't change life but we can change our reactions.

love love love.

.año viejo.

In Ecuador at the end of a year they go to great lengths to build/create "años viejos" which are life size puppets made of various materials - you will find them looking as though they are of the same image as the creator or some pop culture figure. They are then on the 31st surrounded by parties, food, and dancing then light on fire at the culmination of the night to represent the burning of all the "bad" parts of the year to bring goodness into the new year. I love this tradition. Looking at ways to improve and bring more light and love into the coming year.

What would you burn?


I wouldn't burn any experience from this year however you want to classify it - there was a lesson to learn. I would burn some of my more classic tendencies: hot headed nature, impatience, and future planning that always takes away the power of a moment.

ruby jean

This year has been one of the most beautiful years of my life. This year was started in on the shores of Lake Malawi and will end in my hometown surrounded by family mourning the loss of my Nana, Ruby Jean. My year started with a new culture, new job, new country, new continent and to end with a sweet sweet goodbye to the most pure hearted woman I have ever known that raised me with strong values, a servant's heart, and fierce strength. How symbolic to have a year starting with birth and ending with death.

In many ways I feel like this year has pushed me to the limits of my known self allowing for a new perspective. Living in new surrounding and experiencing life in a new transition I'm ending 2012 feeling full of questions and fragile but at the same sense full of hope for 2013 and all the answers it will gather and the new sensitivity to NOW.

I'm so beyond grateful for the company of new and old teachers I have met along the way this year. 
I hope you let the refreshing newness of 2013 wash over you and exhale the truth that all we have is right now.

Much love to you all always.

two of my favorite teachers