Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

16 May 2013

.neruda.


Los Nacimientos
(Births)

we will never have any memory of dying.
we were so patient
about our being,
noting down
numbers, days,
years and months,
hair, and the mouths we kiss,
and that moment of dying
we let pass without a note -
we leave it to others as memory,
or we leave it simply to water,
to water, to air, to time.
nor do we even keep
the memory of being born,
although to come into being was tumultuous and new;
and now you don’t remember a single detail
and haven’t kept even a trace
of your first light.
it’s well known that we are born.
it’s well known that in the room
or in the wood
or in the shelter in the fishermen’s quarter
or in the rustling cane fields
there is a quite unusual silence,
a grave and wooden moment as
a woman prepares to give birth.
it’s well known that we were all born.
but if that abrupt translation
from not being to existing, to having hands,
to seeing, to having eyes,
to eating and weeping and overflowing
and loving and loving and suffering and suffering,
of that transition, that quivering
of an electric presence, raising up
one body more, like a living cup,
and of that woman left empty,
the mother who is left there in her blood
and her lacerated fullness,
and its end and its beginning, and disorder
tumbling the pulse, the floor, the covers
till everything comes together and adds
one knot more to the thread of life,
nothing, nothing remains in your memory
of the savage sea which summoned up a wave
and plucked a shrouded apple from the tree.
the only thing you remember is your life.

-Pablo Neruda

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such beautiful words from my favorite poet that i saw on this beautiful blog.

06 January 2013

.how to say goodbye.


Our lives (or mine anyway) has always been focused on the new, the birth, the start, the meeting. We are taught how to make new friends at school. Taught how to start the new year right. Taught how to involve yourself in the right things. There is even some emphasis on how to maintain - with you reach the difficult stage - the midway hump - the post-honeymoon. But who teaches us to say goodbye. In (my experience in) America we don't like to admit we ever have to say goodbye. We agonized about a trips' end, we make catch phrases like "this isn't goodbye it's just see you later", we prolong something (even dull or terrible) to prevent the EVEN worse reality of it ENDING, we whisper about death and hide it from ourselves.

Sometimes some of us don't even start in fear of the end.

So, how do we say goodbye? Do we just sit down on the unknown mountain side for a sign or better yet wait for someone to tell us its time. The truth is that just as we can't stop the earth for orbiting - death comes on its own time with its own agenda.

My Nana, Ruby Jean was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. It was a fairly rapid decline and during this time I was living 3 hours away and then 36 hours (of flight) away. I love her and have always felt close to her and knew that when the time was right I would be there (physically) with her but that she would be proud that I was traveling and working (although not the nurse that she told people I was going to grow up to be). A few years ago in one of her "typical" Nana letters with her hard to read cursive handwriting, she wrote for half a page about the weather and then a family update and then at the very end snuck in the sentence "you will have a gem in your crown for all the work you are doing down there (Ecuador)."

I believe that we love others by loving and honoring ourselves.

So I knew I had to go to Malawi despite this diagnosis but when I reached the 8th month I just had a feeling that it was time to go home and be with her. I left my job 1 month early. I felt guilty - I had made a promise to the position and I failed to keep it. I didn't know how to say goodbye yet I knew that it was time to leave. I didn't trust my intuition but despite this my emotions said to pack up. I arrived home to find my Nana in a completely different mental state. It was just the right time to come home.

The brain is amazing, beautiful and confusing.

That first month I got home I had a handful of really great moments of being with Nana. I like to call them windows, windows of clarity. My Mom and I had spent the day with Nana and helping around the house, we were just about ready to leave for the day and I was in the back bedroom putting the sheets on the bed and Nana came in from outside. I was trying to quickly make the bed because she no longer remember how to do those things, but this time she walked right up to the bed and started telling me just how to do it (Nana is very particular with household duties). We finished and she looked at me right in the eyes, started to cry and said, "Alicia I wish you didn't have to take care of me like this" and then hugged me so tight - in one of those hugs that would change the world even if just for a day if she only could. It was such a tender moment one I will always hold dear to my heart. That is when I started learning to say goodbye, in that very private moment between my Nana and I. In order to truly love and honor her presence in my life I had to start the journey of her leaving my life.

I learned to say goodbye by intentionally being present in the moment (isn't that is all we will ever have), finding the beauty in the ugly and the peace in the chaos, finding the lesson in the pain and the teacher in the enemy.

These past 5 months have been more intense than 2 years in Ecuador or 1 year in Malawi because it wasn't a beginning (I know how to start) - it was the ending. It was saying goodbye to something I have always known, a staple in my life, a strength that I didn't realize I was leaning on. It was the start to letting life - moments - truth - lessons wash over me like a salty ocean wave while not letting it knock me over and not getting out of the water but feeling the wave and then letting another wash over me and another - smoothing my rough edges with every surge wearing down my shield to a sweet vulnerability until it's my time to say goodbye to this world.

There is such immense beauty in the goodbye.



31 December 2012

.año viejo.

In Ecuador at the end of a year they go to great lengths to build/create "años viejos" which are life size puppets made of various materials - you will find them looking as though they are of the same image as the creator or some pop culture figure. They are then on the 31st surrounded by parties, food, and dancing then light on fire at the culmination of the night to represent the burning of all the "bad" parts of the year to bring goodness into the new year. I love this tradition. Looking at ways to improve and bring more light and love into the coming year.

What would you burn?


I wouldn't burn any experience from this year however you want to classify it - there was a lesson to learn. I would burn some of my more classic tendencies: hot headed nature, impatience, and future planning that always takes away the power of a moment.


ruby jean
This year has been one of the most beautiful years of my life. This year was started in on the shores of Lake Malawi and will end in my hometown surrounded by family mourning the loss of my Nana, Ruby Jean. My year started with a new culture, new job, new country, new continent and to end with a sweet sweet goodbye to the most pure hearted woman I have ever known that raised me with strong values, a servant's heart, and fierce strength. How symbolic to have a year starting with birth and ending with death.

In many ways I feel like this year has pushed me to the limits of my known self allowing for a new perspective. Living in new surrounding and experiencing life in a new transition I'm ending 2012 feeling full of questions and fragile but at the same sense full of hope for 2013 and all the answers it will gather and the new sensitivity to NOW.

I'm so beyond grateful for the company of new and old teachers I have met along the way this year. 
I hope you let the refreshing newness of 2013 wash over you and exhale the truth that all we have is right now.

Much love to you all always.

two of my favorite teachers

30 November 2012

.365 days ago.


"Always go with the choice that scares you the most, 
because that's 
the one that is going to require the most from you." 


- Caroline Myss



One year ago today I was already setting off while those familiar warm fuzzy stomach jitters were setting in, Wenatchee to Seattle, Seattle to New York, New York to Jo-burg, Jo-burg to Lilongwe. I landed 48 hours later disoriented sweaty confused with no luggage to call my own. The birth of Malawi to my life was a groggy moment, with a weary heart and heavy eyelids my mind was racing to understand the local cyclist racing past the car with loads (i.e. goats rodeo tied with their heads bobbing up and down on the bike rack) heavier and higher than the bike and cyclist combined, mud huts with grass thatched roofs, cars driving on the "wrong" side of road (are we going to wreck?!? does this guy know how to drive?) - it felt like a surreal dream.

Peace Corps staff dropped me off at the hostel (called Korea Gardens. HUH? Where am I?) and said they'd see me in the morning. Alone exhausted disoriented I was left in a hot and murky cement block with a tiny window, this would be my new "home" for the 10 days of orientation. The bathroom was more like a mosquito breeding ground with a toilet in it. The hostel staff was yelling outside the window or maybe they were just talking I couldn't tell. I sat down on the foam pad bed staring at the whitewashed walls, sweat running down my body wondering what have I gotten myself into THIS time?
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Two and a half weeks prior I was sitting on my bed in my big red barn in Arlington talking to my Mom on the phone, it was time to decide yes and give notice to work or say no and let it go. I was ready to let it go - it was too wild - not right - bad timing. But my Mom as she always is in these gut retching decisions I love to put myself in the middle of said, "why wouldn't you go?" so I gave all the typical answers and I said, "Maybe I'm saying from fear that it's not the right time. I almost said no to Ecuador out of fear and I know all the beauty that came from that decision" and she said, "there's your answer" and I (typical Alicia) said, "What? What's my answer?" "you have to go to Malawi to follow your fear".
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And here I am a year later - Malawi wasn't an easy experience it demanded all of me - some days she demanded more that I thought I was capable of giving but from those sweet uncomfortable moments she has made me a more empathic, more vibrant, and vulnerable person.

I'm SO grateful for life - for open opportunities of new growth - for the privilege to have Malawi in my life - for a support network that let's me "figure it out" over and over again - for the chance to live a life that requires the most of me.

I hope that you too are following your fear!

10 June 2012

.and I know you'll find that it's a wild world.


Oh nostalgia. You hit me like a 10 foot wave anytime I listen to “Running” from Jason Mraz’s “Live at Java Joe’s” there I am squeezed inside of my Grandpa’s big smooth riding royal blue Chevy truck between my Mom and Dad on that overcast day driving over Steven’s pass on our way to the future, the unknown, to my life as I would come to know - College. Blasting the CD on repeat powering me past all the knots in my stomach and drowning out the loud fears of my mind, to the dorm room in Eden’s South where I would hang that poster of South America years before Peace Corps would send me an invitation to live in Ecuador, that I would struggle and thrive in. Years before I would find peace and passion in birth work. And miles far from the personal truths that would take me to Malawi where I would be faced by the ugly side of my selfish and irrational tendencies.

Nostalgia, you bring me back to a place that seems so distant, I place I can sometimes feel so real and others like it didn’t happened. As almost it was a story that someone read to me once. The grey that surrounds it entices me and tugs my heart.

Here I am on a Sunday morning, the African sun is heating up my house and my thoughts are brought back to the grey of my life, the ambiguity of now. The peace I have found and the longing I feel for that energy from a crisp Bellingham morning with a white washed room in front of me and all the possibilities of the world.

Life is beautiful and full.
I hope your life brings in these waves, to feel it.
Feel it all.