.flower power friday.

 "We have never stayed "home" long enough to experience the truth about ourselves” 

Wow. To be honest it’s been a long, trying, tiresome, frustrating, motivation-fading week...I think it’s because I’ve been forced to hold the mirror and really look at myself. Experience myself in raw light – that can shatter the picture I’ve painted. To admit that ugly mean angry person was me. I was discouraged and talking with my Sister last night, sharing my feelings that (most days) my work doesn’t seem purposeful or fruitful. She said but you are working, finding out what you want, and in a way I think she was telling me “staying home”. These situations are distractions pulling outside of myself and losing my focus/concentration. I hope I can recharge this weekend and be more mindful of “staying home” next week.  

It's Friday! Despite of my grumblings my formal presentation meeting with the district hospital management team was yesterday and I received a unanimous YES on our project plan!!, I submitted my grant for the project, friends are en route to the pioneer mansion (can i hear an amen for a ladies weekend with an old college friend and a new friend), and plans are brewing (a brick oven maybe the newest addition to the pioneer mansion in the next coming weeks)...

Also, I finally made time yesterday to have my newest market find (yes, Mom I am still playing dress up and pretending like I was a child of the 60's!) tailored. wowza! These colors are energizing me today (even if it is a little ridic! ha).

What are your weekend plans? Much love to you all always.

a

.reproductive health is a human right.

Maureen gave me a tour of the labor and delivery ward today. This is the most expansive ward in my district given that it’s the main hospital.  We passed thru two swinging doors and there were the 4 beds in the main room, half sheets hung for reasons unknown but none of which pertained to privacy. Only 3 of the beds were being used by women in early stages of labor. I asked what happens when more than 4 women are laboring and she showed me two separate rooms (actually private yet dark, damp, and depressing) mostly used for women with complicated or prolonged labor. They can hold a total of 8 women at one time. After they reach 8 then they made floor beds, Maureen says that this happens often. At the end of each bed was a cardboard box (it looked like a box of triscuits) that was the sharps container. On the floor was a bucket labeled “placenta” I asked Maureen if there were any cultural practices with the placentas and she opened up the bucket to see, yes a fresh placenta. They take them out to the placenta burning pit twice a day (not the cultural practice I had anticipated). We then we on to see the women who were being watched after complicated labors, this room was open and held 24 beds. All but 2 beds were filled. There was one woman who had been there for 48 hours, for some reason she really impacted me. She sat there naked from the waist up with only a chitenji wrapped around her, sitting on the bed with a blank hallow stare feeding her baby, her large swollen breasts looked painful. I wonder if she had any choice over her body.

There has been a lot of discussion, debate, and general commotion about women’s rights in the states. It saddens me that this needs to be a discussion, it saddens me that my body has become a political issue, it saddens me that it has turned into a women’s issue. It makes me reflect about one of my favorite buttons, it said “Be nice to vaginas you came from one” I like it because it’s funny, suggestive, and universal. Reproductive health isn’t a woman’s right, it’s a human right. We are only limiting our understanding of ourselves and our potential of health by wrapping up this conversation with labels. What do your statistics mean to the unplanned children, the mothers afraid of their own bodies, the families without a choice? When health becomes only an option for the rich there lies only one outcome, poverty (I mean this is a broad aspect).

Maybe that’s what those haunting hallow eyes of the Amayi were showing me, we have become so detached from our own bodies and thoughts that we start to control something, others, the voiceless, the impoverished, the meek, the sick, the young, the old, us.

This moment was a wake-up call for me to reconnect with myself, my body, my mind, my passion, and my world. It’s a call back to reality, to feel it.

.work.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about work don’t be fooled this NOT because I’ve been so busy working  as I’m sure you’re thinking. Ha!

Malawian culture although warm is very passive. The concept “of saving face” is of utmost importance so coming in as a “timely straight-forward” American it challenging to get a good grasp on the reality of the situation. For example, I will say goodbye to my counterpart at the end of the day and ask him if I will see him the next day, he will say yes and then when I arrive at work there will be no one around and I will later find out there was a district meeting.  So many days are spent just figuring out where my counterpart is. So it has taken 2 months of begging district workers (my direct field supervisors) to introduce me to local stakeholders and lots of clueless (oh my behalf) investigating to find a worthy manageable project for the now 7 months remaining time frame. Just as I was feeling drained and ready to just stay home and homestead for the next 7 months, I had a breakthrough! Peace Corps had arranged a visit because I had expressed the lack of support and work I had, but honestly I didn’t think it was going to encourage anything but bad feelings at the district. But my Supervisor came and met with the Health Education Officer and the District Health Officer and explain about the Response program (this should’ve happened before I arrived!) and with my research of maternal health providers we came up with the idea of not only mapping maternal health services but also since there are so many providers in our district and little to no communication between the varying service providers my main focus will be on forming a Maternal health taskforce with important stakeholders at various levels. WOW! I’m in love with this idea and the PC along with the DHO said there was MUCH need and MUCH interest.

Work! Work in Maternal Health! I can’t tell you how rejuvenating this day has left me, I feel stimulated again!

Despite the challenges of work I have located the most amazing nurturing space on the hilltop of Machinga, I have met so many fascinating people (UN Oral Surgeon, tons of PhD students from around the world, Seattle-native working with Village Reach an NGO working on a FREE Maternal Health Text message program), and find joy in the basic acts of survival (i.e. cooking over fire!).

Now off to read, study, and research WHO documents. I have an initial work plan meeting on Monday with the DHO!

Much love to you all always.

.accepting love.

What a whirlwind day, and it’s only 3pm on a Tuesday.

I received a text message from my pseudo-supervisor /co-worker last night saying that he would not be at work today because something had come up in Blantyre (a town about 2 or so hours south of Liwonde). So this morning I sent him a message to say that if he came back in the afternoon just let me know because I have the office key and would stay in Liwonde today for meetings at the hospital. He then responds to say that he was at the Bi-annual review meeting in Blantyre which I was supposed to be invited.

Malawi is beautiful, raw, and alive. The challenges I face here are so different than Ecuador. In Ecuador I was refusing invitations to meetings because everyone wanted the token gringa at their meeting, yet here in Malawi the last invited (if I even get invited). History and culture can easily paint the picture of why this is, but still it’s hard not to compare or take it personally.

This morning I read a beautiful quote about love (via icecreamisbetterwithafork.tumblr.com):

“It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again."

- Kent Nerbern

I chewed on these words all day, but it wasn’t until the afternoon that I could actually taste them.

I was walking into town and happened upon a group of school children who froze in the middle of the road with their big doe eyes waiting to see what would happen next…so I give them the usual response “Bo!” (This is actually short for Bonjour, of all the oddest things!) their faces melt into a huge smiles and their dark hopeful eyes light up like they’ve been waiting all day for the Azungu (foreigner) to say hello. My heart swells. Continuing on to the hospital, a woman sitting in the Maternity ward catches my eye and I smile and continue on, then on my way out she peeks her head out of the door and grabs my hand with both of hers, holding on so very tight and with the warmest eyes says “thank  you.” I’m not sure to what she was referring or if she knew any other English but I was grateful for her love. Then walking back home I passed an older gentleman who was biking into town and mid-hill stops and gets off his bike to formally greet me. I am grateful for his love.

I really connected with this part of the quote,

“Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.”

Instead of focusing on the where I’m not receiving love I need to reframe my perspective. Today I’m consciously grateful for all the love I am given here in Malawi because when I truly open my eyes I can see a magnitude of love.