.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -

much like birth -

not at all what i expected -

much longer harder -

so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -

alone -

a personal journey -

desperate for a community -
a group consensus -

i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -

that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -

to a newness.

So much loss this past year -

but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 

but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 

remind me that i am alive

to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo

yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"

are some things too close to hold

maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance

it's not the interaction with the moment

but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability

that realization

that truth

that wound

so what do you do

how do you spend your time

how do you find that fulfillment

how do you let go of the expectations

how do you define those expectations

so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me

or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive

and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs

are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much

am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then

i am a different person now -

that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go

to say this isn't it

to not just that but

to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew

to move forward 

.how to say goodbye.

Our lives (or mine anyway) has always been focused on the new, the birth, the start, the meeting. We are taught how to make new friends at school. Taught how to start the new year right. Taught how to involve yourself in the right things. There is even some emphasis on how to maintain - with you reach the difficult stage - the midway hump - the post-honeymoon. But who teaches us to say goodbye. In (my experience in) America we don't like to admit we ever have to say goodbye. We agonized about a trips' end, we make catch phrases like "this isn't goodbye it's just see you later", we prolong something (even dull or terrible) to prevent the EVEN worse reality of it ENDING, we whisper about death and hide it from ourselves.

Sometimes some of us don't even start in fear of the end.

So, how do we say goodbye? Do we just sit down on the unknown mountain side for a sign or better yet wait for someone to tell us its time. The truth is that just as we can't stop the earth for orbiting - death comes on its own time with its own agenda.

My Nana, Ruby Jean was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. It was a fairly rapid decline and during this time I was living 3 hours away and then 36 hours (of flight) away. I love her and have always felt close to her and knew that when the time was right I would be there (physically) with her but that she would be proud that I was traveling and working (although not the nurse that she told people I was going to grow up to be). A few years ago in one of her "typical" Nana letters with her hard to read cursive handwriting, she wrote for half a page about the weather and then a family update and then at the very end snuck in the sentence "you will have a gem in your crown for all the work you are doing down there (Ecuador)."

I believe that we love others by loving and honoring ourselves.

So I knew I had to go to Malawi despite this diagnosis but when I reached the 8th month I just had a feeling that it was time to go home and be with her. I left my job 1 month early. I felt guilty - I had made a promise to the position and I failed to keep it. I didn't know how to say goodbye yet I knew that it was time to leave. I didn't trust my intuition but despite this my emotions said to pack up. I arrived home to find my Nana in a completely different mental state. It was just the right time to come home.

The brain is amazing, beautiful and confusing.

That first month I got home I had a handful of really great moments of being with Nana. I like to call them windows, windows of clarity. My Mom and I had spent the day with Nana and helping around the house, we were just about ready to leave for the day and I was in the back bedroom putting the sheets on the bed and Nana came in from outside. I was trying to quickly make the bed because she no longer remember how to do those things, but this time she walked right up to the bed and started telling me just how to do it (Nana is very particular with household duties). We finished and she looked at me right in the eyes, started to cry and said, "Alicia I wish you didn't have to take care of me like this" and then hugged me so tight - in one of those hugs that would change the world even if just for a day if she only could. It was such a tender moment one I will always hold dear to my heart. That is when I started learning to say goodbye, in that very private moment between my Nana and I. In order to truly love and honor her presence in my life I had to start the journey of her leaving my life.

I learned to say goodbye by intentionally being present in the moment (isn't that is all we will ever have), finding the beauty in the ugly and the peace in the chaos, finding the lesson in the pain and the teacher in the enemy.

These past 5 months have been more intense than 2 years in Ecuador or 1 year in Malawi because it wasn't a beginning (I know how to start) - it was the ending. It was saying goodbye to something I have always known, a staple in my life, a strength that I didn't realize I was leaning on. It was the start to letting life - moments - truth - lessons wash over me like a salty ocean wave while not letting it knock me over and not getting out of the water but feeling the wave and then letting another wash over me and another - smoothing my rough edges with every surge wearing down my shield to a sweet vulnerability until it's my time to say goodbye to this world.

There is such immense beauty in the goodbye.

.año viejo.

In Ecuador at the end of a year they go to great lengths to build/create "años viejos" which are life size puppets made of various materials - you will find them looking as though they are of the same image as the creator or some pop culture figure. They are then on the 31st surrounded by parties, food, and dancing then light on fire at the culmination of the night to represent the burning of all the "bad" parts of the year to bring goodness into the new year. I love this tradition. Looking at ways to improve and bring more light and love into the coming year.

What would you burn?


I wouldn't burn any experience from this year however you want to classify it - there was a lesson to learn. I would burn some of my more classic tendencies: hot headed nature, impatience, and future planning that always takes away the power of a moment.

ruby jean

This year has been one of the most beautiful years of my life. This year was started in on the shores of Lake Malawi and will end in my hometown surrounded by family mourning the loss of my Nana, Ruby Jean. My year started with a new culture, new job, new country, new continent and to end with a sweet sweet goodbye to the most pure hearted woman I have ever known that raised me with strong values, a servant's heart, and fierce strength. How symbolic to have a year starting with birth and ending with death.

In many ways I feel like this year has pushed me to the limits of my known self allowing for a new perspective. Living in new surrounding and experiencing life in a new transition I'm ending 2012 feeling full of questions and fragile but at the same sense full of hope for 2013 and all the answers it will gather and the new sensitivity to NOW.

I'm so beyond grateful for the company of new and old teachers I have met along the way this year. 
I hope you let the refreshing newness of 2013 wash over you and exhale the truth that all we have is right now.

Much love to you all always.

two of my favorite teachers