.birth matters.

She came in three times yesterday for labor checks and 3 times earlier in the week, by herself or with an acquaintance. Emotional, confused, tired, isolated - she reacts strongly to her contractions and has a hard time letting go when they pass. She came in for her last labor check in the early morning hours.  Bracing herself at the front door before she entered with her bleach dyed hair flowing long and full of wild curls. She looked ravenous - distraught - fervent.

mujer poderosa.

As we were walking her to a room she braced herself against the wall for another contraction and when it had passed she looked up with huge silent tears running down her face and it hit me. The overwhelming  honor of being allow into this space - into this ceremony - to hold her hand and breathe her through the greatest transition - death of herself and the birth of a mother. 

tu eres fuerte.

I sat with her for almost two hours watching with every contractions as she resisted her body until finally she decided to say yes - to give in to the pain - to face her fear - to let it go.

sopla.

I was amazed to my deepest being by this birth. To really see that it was the moment she stopped resisting - the very darkest moment that brought life. To really see her body waiting for her to accept this transition - to be a Mother.

Birth is hard.
Birth is intense.
But above all Birth Matters.

.birth.

I came into the room late. The baby's head was peaking out but Mama was stressed and possessed, I thought it was her first baby due to her resistance, thrashing her body around on the bed. I had to take fetal heart tones and was sure she was going to end up kicking me in the face. Grabbing the bed posts screaming "no puedo,  no puedo" and then bouncing her body up grabbing her thigh where she had a cramp. Her belly was small and I wondered what her story was, what is she letting go of right now - nervous erratic like she wasn't ready for her baby to meet this world. 

She gave another push and there was the head and it seemed like instantly the baby was born. And in that very moment the high energy evaporated and a sweet subtleness fell on the room. She exhaled loudly and held her baby. Her face soften and she immediately started thanking everyone in the room. And then she said "es una nina, no? una nina?" and the Midwife said "mira a tu bebe" so she picked her baby up from her chest and exclaimed crying "es nina". The Midwife checked her for any tears and more softness settled into the room and she started telling her daughter how she was almost born in the car, crossing the border. 

She lives in a town an hour and a half from the border with no family in El Paso so she didn't leave home until contractions started. This was her third baby - so you never know how much time you have. She said the contractions came fast and strong as they were waiting in line to cross over. She kept holding her breath and telling her baby not to come, but babies know when they need to come. So looking back at her very physical birth - it was just her trying tell her body that it was safe to relax and let the baby come. It was now time. 

Oh the love of a Mama - is unbelievable.
Birth.