26 November 2013

.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -
much like birth -
not at all what i expected -
much longer harder -
so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -
alone -
a personal journey -
desperate for a community -
a group consensus -
i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -
that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -
to a newness.

So much loss this past year -
but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 
but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 
remind me that i am alive
to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo
yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"
are some things too close to hold
maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance
it's not the interaction with the moment
but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability
that realization
that truth
that wound

so what do you do
how do you spend your time
how do you find that fulfillment
how do you let go of the expectations
how do you define those expectations
so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me
or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive
and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs
are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much
am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then
i am a different person now -
that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go
to say this isn't it
to not just that but
to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew
to move forward 

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