.the year of birth.

I was told 2013 would be the year of birth. 

it has been all of all -

much like birth -

not at all what i expected -

much longer harder -

so many moments of feelings totally lost and disoriented -

alone -

a personal journey -

desperate for a community -
a group consensus -

i've lost all the comforts that prohibit true growth -

that mask the discomfort that push it all to a moment -

to a newness.

So much loss this past year -

but with birth there is always death -

i don't know what i am 

but i am here

wondering how something came be so close to my heart 

remind me that i am alive

to fill my lungs up and exhale profundo

yet wonder if i can fills my days with this "work"

are some things too close to hold

maybe a true passion is to be held at a distance

it's not the interaction with the moment

but the moment that fills me up?

i've cried an ocean of tears this year from that vulnerability

that realization

that truth

that wound

so what do you do

how do you spend your time

how do you find that fulfillment

how do you let go of the expectations

how do you define those expectations

so that you know/can figure out how to let them go

are all these emotions directing me

or am i in the process of

how can i feel so alive

and lost at the same time

how do emotions not change the way we see/accept signs

are my emotions the guiding force

do i question too much

am i finally questioning enough

and then i think i could let go and not feel the weight of those expectations because i was a different person then

i am a different person now -

that thought feels weightless

and in the same breath i can't imagine anything scarier than to let go

to say this isn't it

to not just that but

to let go of all the things that are attached to the very decision/path

to wake up anew

to move forward