I've been reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo everyday (so good!!) and something from yesterday's entry really spoke to me, it said "only rarely have I let go completely, yet those moment of total surrender have throughly changed my life." "When lonely and afraid to reach out, I have somehow collapsed repeatedly into the ocean of another's love, and it cleansed my weary heart." I found those words to hold such a beautiful vulnerability, to "collapse repeatedly into the ocean of another's love" I thought about how rare it is for me let go enough to collapse into another's love.

I started thinking about why I keep it all in.
I started thinking about all the things I've learned - absorbed!
The quietness that I have claimed - the weakness - the obedience - the fear.

I realized that in order to collapse into the ocean of another's love I have to choose myself! I have to  start saying I know what is best - that I know what I need - that I deserve all the goodness that is before me.  TO CHOOSE myself! TO RESIDE inside myself with a deep rootedness. TO STOP choosing fear.

I went to Walden Pond yesterday and swan and read and sunbathed and then walked around the pond. I've been going on walks lately trying to pay attention more - observe/absorb. Every time I find so much beauty in the decaying tress - the gaping bark - the hollow trunks - to see the cycle of life/death/regeneration/repurpose - the flow of life in such a tangible way.

.prioritizing time.

I've experienced a really powerful change lately. I have started prioritizing my time. 

I'm doing this in two ways:

1. Schedule my time (look at how am I using my time)

A friend has been helping me to better schedule my week - be more efficient with my time. I started using iCal color coding my activities. Although, I'm not strict it has really helped me to be more conscious of my time and how I am using it. I can rearrange the hours but I need to get all the hours in during the week. I use to just let things happen which most times turned into give more time to distractions or others AND making it so much easier to allow fear to sidetrack my priorities. 

2. Creating a morning ritual

I've realized as obvious as it seems, the way I start my day will determine my day. If I start my day not balanced I am so much more open to all the distractions - challenges - bumps that maybe come but if I take time to connect with myself I'm less likely to fall from myself. 

• Morning Ritual
• make my bed (this just helps me to transition to being awake)
• make coffee
• write 1 page in my journal - this can be anything I just HAVE to write one page
• read from an inspiring book (right now I'm reading "The ten-second miracle")
• meditate
• make breakfast
• head out to the studio

I've been making this a priority (habit) the past two weeks and have felt a big change in myself. These small practices help me to be more IN myself which allow me to be more present in all my interactions.

This weekend though I started to feel this resistance with completing a task related to my jewelry. I just keep putting it off over and over. I think normally I would've just ignored it - "I have to wait until I feel inspired to do it" but I had made it a priority to get it done this week. So I forced myself to sit down and do it but I kept feeling something. "The Ten-Second Miracle" suggestions 3 questions to ask when an issue arises the first one being, "Regarding this issue, what do I most need to face right now that I've been avoiding?"

Where is the resistance coming from? Why do I keep putting this off? I realized that I was scared - afraid to commit to something and then risk failing. 

I have to make about 120 pieces of jewelry by the end of this month and I needed to make an inventory list. I had already deigned the pieces I just need to quantify the list but I kept changing my mind on what to send to the boutique wth the largest request. I realized that I knew what I was doing and what I wanted to do - I was just fearful. It's a risk for me to send so many pieces to this boutique and last summer I sent a few pieces at the end of the season but they didn't sell well. 

I realized that I need to trust myself and commit to my art. I made the inventory list and will start making the pieces this morning in the studio. 

These practices and this experience of identifying the deeper issue of the matter have really solidified my understand/belief that how I use time/what I give time to is such a huge indicator of how I prioritize and what I value. It's so easy for me to not be my biggest supporter. To make subconscious choices that don't move myself forward. When I allow things to happen it's really not choosing myself. 

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What's your interaction with time? How do you prioritize your schedule? What do you prioritize? Are you choosing yourself? If not, what do you need to face in order to do that? What have you been avoiding? What do you need to say/accept in order to move forward?  

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Monday!