24 January 2016

.day 20.

That past few days I've felt a shift happening inside of myself. I started feeling anxious, I've been here 3 weeks now....what am I doing with my time? I'm wasting time. 3 weeks - I have these feelings like I want/need/have to change the way I make art/run my jewelry business - but how? My teacher has been so amazing to open my eyes in a new way, I look at jewelry differently now. I can't make the same pieces I was making before, but what do I want to make? I sat down yesterday and forced myself to sketch some ideas. I need to be sketching! I didn't like anything that I did. I started losing myself in these direct questions and expectations and sat with no answers for anything.

I've started reaching for/relying on these mindless loops of checking emails - did anyone write me?,  checking instagram - do people like my picture?, going to the grocery store - I should try a new recipe, not knowing what to do for the day...distracted and detached. Thus began the second wave of judgement, I am inside of a dream right now! I live in an adorable apartment in an magical town in Portugal, everything should be the best (and easy)! I wake up every morning grateful to be here but this was something moving deep inside of me. This trip is different in ways from other trips I've taken, it's been more meditative. I go out and explore the land here but I'm not on the move. I have made friends in town but I'm not trying to meet a lot of people or find the best spots in town. I spend a lot of quiet time with myself. I think all of this has allowed time and space to shift things, to feel the emerging of something. I came home from metalsmithing class last night and was planning on going to the local bar to meet people but I didn't want to go. I started feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I checked my email, instagram, blogs and made dinner. These mindless loops led me to Kyle Cease. He's part comedian/part motivational speaking, you might have seen this video go around the internet. He started this 100 day meditation challenge for himself. He meditates for around 2 hours everyday and then posts a video about what came up for him. I started watching the introduction video and totally connected to what he was saying, how we live in a world where we try to take care of/figure out things SO directly we end up getting in the way of amazing ideas. The more we relax - the more ideas come through. YES! I am pressured by time and after just enjoying my space here for the first 2 weeks (vacation/settling in phase) I've started to feel the pressure/expectation of time or lack of time and shifted my perspective from "enjoy" to "figure this out!" "where's that great idea?" "what's the detailed business plan?""why haven't you designed a new line to jewelry yet??" Such a powerful realization!! This journey here keeps reminding me to TRUST more and to be more KIND to myself. 

I started meditating today. I set an alarm for 20 minutes and went for it. I am challenging myself to meditate everyday for the rest of my time here to see what emerges. I also challenging myself to stop looking so directly at my anxieties and questions but instead to be more thoughtful with my time and fill it with things that fulfill me - to be present in this beautiful space. 

-bike rides
-taking pictures
-trying new Portuguese recipes
-collecting things at low tide 
-making weavings from found natural objects
-do yoga
-meet local artists
-try espresso and all the cafes
-practice Portuguese
-read books
-explore the Ria Formosa area
-and more!!

No comments: