.day 20.

That past few days I've felt a shift happening inside of myself. I started feeling anxious, I've been here 3 weeks now....what am I doing with my time? I'm wasting time. 3 weeks - I have these feelings like I want/need/have to change the way I make art/run my jewelry business - but how? My teacher has been so amazing to open my eyes in a new way, I look at jewelry differently now. I can't make the same pieces I was making before, but what do I want to make? I sat down yesterday and forced myself to sketch some ideas. I need to be sketching! I didn't like anything that I did. I started losing myself in these direct questions and expectations and sat with no answers for anything.

I've started reaching for/relying on these mindless loops of checking emails - did anyone write me?,  checking instagram - do people like my picture?, going to the grocery store - I should try a new recipe, not knowing what to do for the day...distracted and detached. Thus began the second wave of judgement, I am inside of a dream right now! I live in an adorable apartment in an magical town in Portugal, everything should be the best (and easy)! I wake up every morning grateful to be here but this was something moving deep inside of me. This trip is different in ways from other trips I've taken, it's been more meditative. I go out and explore the land here but I'm not on the move. I have made friends in town but I'm not trying to meet a lot of people or find the best spots in town. I spend a lot of quiet time with myself. I think all of this has allowed time and space to shift things, to feel the emerging of something. I came home from metalsmithing class last night and was planning on going to the local bar to meet people but I didn't want to go. I started feeling overwhelmed and lonely. I checked my email, instagram, blogs and made dinner. These mindless loops led me to Kyle Cease. He's part comedian/part motivational speaking, you might have seen this video go around the internet. He started this 100 day meditation challenge for himself. He meditates for around 2 hours everyday and then posts a video about what came up for him. I started watching the introduction video and totally connected to what he was saying, how we live in a world where we try to take care of/figure out things SO directly we end up getting in the way of amazing ideas. The more we relax - the more ideas come through. YES! I am pressured by time and after just enjoying my space here for the first 2 weeks (vacation/settling in phase) I've started to feel the pressure/expectation of time or lack of time and shifted my perspective from "enjoy" to "figure this out!" "where's that great idea?" "what's the detailed business plan?""why haven't you designed a new line to jewelry yet??" Such a powerful realization!! This journey here keeps reminding me to TRUST more and to be more KIND to myself. 

I started meditating today. I set an alarm for 20 minutes and went for it. I am challenging myself to meditate everyday for the rest of my time here to see what emerges. I also challenging myself to stop looking so directly at my anxieties and questions but instead to be more thoughtful with my time and fill it with things that fulfill me - to be present in this beautiful space. 

-bike rides

-blogging

-taking pictures

-trying new Portuguese recipes

-collecting things at low tide 

-making weavings from found natural objects

-do yoga

-meet local artists

-try espresso and all the cafes

-practice Portuguese

-read books

-explore the Ria Formosa area

-and more!!

.read this out loud.

My former Zen teacher recently shared this poem. He said it might make you feel uncomfortable but I found great peace in the movement of its words. Read it out loud to yourself. What comes up? Acknowledge those feelings. Read it again. 

I found great awareness in these words. Awareness of the great preciousness and power of this life. How am I living it?

A Meditation on Death
By Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara

Close your eyes and let your body relax.
Let the body soften, let the breath come by itself.
Nothing to change, nothing to control, just breathing.
Soften the body, moment to moment, allow it to be loose, as if floating.
Allow the edges of your body to soften, to melt.
Allow your whole body, arms and legs and hands, to melt, to be at ease,
To enter that space in your heart, in your breath, that is melting, like an ice cube in water, flowing back into the fluidity of space and light.
Letting go of sensation, of the sense of the body, we float free of its constraints,
Melting, softening, ice to water, dissolving into the flow of light and space,
Becoming quieter, more at ease.
As each holding arises, we let it melt, we let our name and reputation melt, our family melt, our form melt, our holding melt into our heart and breath.
Letting go allows us to melt, to float free, to dissolve into light, into space.
Letting go of the body, releasing the body, floating freely in the light.
Safely, each thought, each emotion, each perception safely floats away, and there is space flowing into space, light into light.
No boundaries, even the breath now, slowly falling away, melting into space.
Now, floating freely as water in water, light in light, space in space,
There is no inside, no outside,
Free, completely, and utterly free, free, space, endless space,
Slowly now observe the breath,
As you realize, although many people are dying now, are letting go, you are staying, it is not yet your time.
This is realization in vast, wondrous space.
Breathe slowly, feeling freshness, peace, and come back.

.beginner mind.

I sat with a zen meditation group. I almost didn't go. It was also a 15 minute drive across town in crazy (and I mean crazy) Memphis traffic. I wasn't familiar with the neighborhood. I'm always a little nervous to sit with a new group. So many reasons to not go but I decided to challenge myself. To make myself a little uncomfortable. 

I left the house a little late. Got stuck in traffic. Missed my exit. Got lost on the back roads of eastern Memphis. But somehow found it at 9:05 am. Totally late. I almost didn't go in (despite this whole process) because I thought it was rude to come in late. But I decided to challenge myself. 

At the end of the mediation one of the group members said he loved having new people join - to him it was a great reminder of a beginners mind.

Imagining that feeling of walking up to the door - not knowing what is behind it.

His words made me realized how my fear of beginning something limits me. To instead try to look at a beginning in it's true light of an authentic adventure - to see something with brand new eyes.

.orchestras.

During a guided meditation I attended this weekend the leader was describing our bodies as orchestras. Every part of our body has a sound that together makes our music/song. We all have different sounds that are true to only us. To make our music we have to be aware of our bodies - to be healthy - to express ourselves. When our bodies aren't "in tune" the discord is offsetting - hindering to our journeys.

This "tuning" is a personal journey that we are all simultaneously working on, constantly. This is helpful to remember in that even when we are "in tune" and we share beautiful music with someone they might not be able to hear it from the discord of their orchestra being out of tune. This doesn't change our music.

I am so dependent on reactions or validations from others and this was a needed reminder. It also brings up the questions of what does being "in tune" mean to you? What does it feel like when are "in tune"? What can you do to keep yourself "in tune"?

Always grateful for moments that these.

.buddhism + cycling.

I love this cycling video - it's buddhist nature. 

"we for the parts that are not great not from dimensions  because they are ignoble and insufferable

we are for the insufferable aspect of riding and for riding into it and riding through it and riding until you are in the sufferable because inside there is where you find out or remember that after all the inhumanity of it all it all turns out to be durable. "

.zazendo.

Let go of your fixed ideas about this world.

I heard these words spoken at a zen meditation tonight and their truth startled me 

because it seems everything in my life is trying to tell me this very thing

over and over again

until I finally listen

.stepping into darkness.

experience the fall

embrace the fall

laugh in the fall

give gratitude for the fall