.autumn equinox.

We meet in the middle the point of transition from the building light to the growing darkness. We still have the summer heat here in North Carolina but the morning light has a new dullness that reminds me the light is fading. I seem to live in transitions - life is just a big transition but I seem to like to jump into dramatic transitions, hungry with deep curiosity and the reality that I seem to learn best through swift challenges. I’ve been resisting this transition of moving south but a few days ago en route to a equinox celebration I was overcome by feeling so alive driving through the Blue Ridge Mountains with the setting sun and the peach, orange, fuchsia sky reflecting a golden shimmer on the lush hillsides. I realized that it’s my choice to accept this moment/transition - to be present with curiosity instead of reacting to the insecurity the unknown can bring. It seemed like such beautiful timing with the approaching equinox where the light transitions into the darkness. A time that allows/invites/requires us to dive deep into the darkness (challenge/self) to see what there is - to learn a new layer/level of awareness. 

If I accept this invitation to dive deep instead of reacting/resisting to the darkness how much can I learn? 
What peace can I find? 

The equinox ceremony was facilitated by Katie Vie and she told us of the archetype of the mermaid how the mermaid in all of her wonderful weirdness (authenticity) shows us the beautify of diving deep into the darkness of the ocean. It’s required. It’s an invitation. I realized that if I continue to resist this invitation/moment it will only keep me in a state of stagnancy. To truly continue on a path of learning and self-awareness I need the dark. The darkness is the greatest teacher, if I allow it to be.

.process of change.

Whenever change greets me there is a heaviness that sets in - a lethargy in my bones - a fear - a resistance. I'm desperately holding onto the shore line as the tide tries to pull me out into the newness. I exhaust myself holding - grabbing - slipping...until maybe I realize or finally deplete myself and I loosen my grip - swept out by the waves - carried into the newness.

There is a still fear but also that peace that come from surrender. That peace of acceptance. I realize it's fine - i'm fine - where i am suppose to be - lighter - open to what is to come.

How do you feel change? How do you decide to let go (surrender)? What do I  always choose fear when peace always finds me?

Change is here again. I rode my bike to find some peace - to take time to say THANK YOU. To say goodbye to what has been and I discovered this magical place.

But Pema always says it best,

"Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know."

~Pema Chödrön 

via prairie girl

.december thoughts.

There's something challenging and magical about December - the frenzy of the holidays that collides with the slowing down into winter. During the past few weeks I've been balancing between sprints in the studio making/selling my wares at holiday markets and the quiet exhaustion at home when I stop and look around to remember that it's December, it's winter time. The season is softly asking me to refocus inwards. I'm trying to find more balance and less extremes, to start gathering my focus and intentions for this season - for this new year - for this opportunity to renew myself, to learn myself more.

This is what I started to gather today on a walk in the woods:

to greeting - someone/a moment/journey with no expectations - just an open heart - to accept what it offers me with gratitude, not judgment - to stay present with its offering, as if I know nothing at all. 

I don't know if that's possible but it's something I want to work towards this coming year. To stop reacting to old stories - to stop carrying the past into the n o w - to stop asking someone to take care of my wounds and to stop taking care of theirs. 

slow
calm
presence
without judgment
and when I move towards judgment remember to 
be here 
now.

What are you gathering in these shorter days? 

.ripples and waves.

Sometimes change comes in small ripples and other times it comes in big huge waves. Sometimes the small tiny ripples can be more disorientating because it's so subtle I can almost not notice. Sometimes a wave can be more disorientating because it can wipe out everything that you have known. Things are changing again for me - it feels like wave is just building. It's an exciting waves - a new adventure wave - I guess they are all but sometimes when grief is intertwined in the wave it's hard to see the adventure or excitement. This time I can feel it. I'm inspired lately. But there's also the element of leaving your comfort - your "safe" four walls - the distraction that is fear can tell so many stories to make you forget the beauty of the wave. 

I had a day today just sitting in my emotions - retelling stories - more false than true - glorifying - longing for - creating dialogue for something that wasn't this - right here. I was listening to one of Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic podcasts and she was talking about how we get lost - busy living life something other plays - potential lives/storylines. She said to write down on a piece of paper "the action is right here" I love that. My life and reality and truth are right here and no where else. Today I had a very fire sign moment seeing things as if they only affected me in that way, that change was only happening to me, that unsettling feeling of life needing to recalibrate was a unique sensation to me. Impermanence was a "me" thing. Impermanence is life - is everything.

The wave is coming and I'm holding on tight to fear - forgetting about all the adventure and excitement that always accompany fear. To embrace the wave. To honor that everyone is experiencing impermance all the time and I have to just let it go. Let the wave wash over me - refresh me.

I bought a ticket and I'm going on a journey in January. It's just my way - it's my truth - to seek - to accept my fear - to stay curious - to travel lands - to find questions - to keep practicing releasing into impermanence. 

So grateful for these movements/motions that bring such brilliant moments of clarity.

.change is in the air.

The eclipse was magical - surreal. The days leading up to last night felt heavy and emotional - blurred around the edges. I had to work last night so I kept taking breaks to run out into the middle of Cambridge street to look at the moon over the brick buildings of Inman Square. It felt like a dream, people at work started sharing in rare authentic ways about lost loves and heartache and dreams. They would find me throughout the night and start unfolding details. I felt like I was observing something from a distance. It wasn't until after work when I rode to a park, a park I'm very connected to. I laid on a hillside and watched the eclipse in the silence and bright golden street lights and then I really felt the weight of the moment. I felt grateful for the moment, I felt anxious for winter, I acknowledge the energies I've been allowing in the past few months, I thought about relationships dynamics in my life, I asked myself real questions. I felt like I was being told/urged to let go - let go of something. I'm not sure of what just yet.

I woke up this morning still feeling my unsettled energies - change is in the air. I don't feel my roots right now. I will, but I need more time to process - explore - feel. I went on a long walk today around Cambridge and got lost the ivy brick walls of Harvard. Life is a beautiful process.

Did you feel it? Are you feeling it? What did the eclipse bring up for you? Are you still processing it? Are you making changes? Did you start to see something new in your reflection??

.happy equinox.

Happy Autumn Equinox to you all! A time of transitions - a reminder to focus on finding balance in it all.

photo credit sergio laboriel

"May we embrace all the devastation and pain, as well as all the magic and the goodness that inherently exists. For as we know, it is through our opposite reflection that we learn, recognize and appreciate. Let us meet in the recognition that we are all of it, and may we move with grace into the new."      -mysticmama

I am finding so much to learn from this equinox - as I am finally for the first time in 9 months settling into a new job - a new space - a new environment with more longevity. I have been sleeping on couches - traveling - searching - exploring - realigning myself to find this place. A place where the doors continue to open and I am finding much fulfillment. I am so grateful for it all. I am so grateful for the amazing timing. I am so grateful for the abundance of it all. An abundance that I continue to be amazed by on a daily basis. YET, I am a nomad so I find amongst all this joy and abundance - in the overwhelming calm settling in on the now, a slight discomfort inside. A yearning to keep moving - stay busy - focus outwards instead of unwinding from the unknown and anxiety of the past few months. This equinox is a beautiful reminder to sit down. To sit with myself. To say this is everything I need in this very moment. 

I went to a yoga class after work today for the first time in a long time and felt my body slowly start to let go of holding on so tight. It is such a long road. A beautiful road. A road I don't really know how to travel but I am beginning. I am embracing the transition on placing roots in one place while I still find ways to appreciate and foster the wild nomad spirit I hold inside. Both parts make me ME and both parts need to be nurture in order to find my balance.

One way I am going to foster that adventure is through the journey of others...Peter Gorman, a Cambridge resident is setting off on the 29th on a solo 10,000 mile bike journey around the US. I have so much bike envy! You can follow his journey here.