.unlearning reactions.

Do you ever mistake something for something else?

The cellular memory we hold in our bodies from old patterns (reactions) is SO deep and SO real. These feelings started to creep into my body yesterday - a numbness washed over me and an uneasiness settled into my stomach. I wasn't sure where it came from or why it was here. I called my Mom trying to get out all the words - the words laying in a mountainous pile deep inside of me - picking them up off the floor of my pelvis bowl (energy center). I was hoping that she could help me organize my words (thoughts) to ultimately reveal the truth underneath - the cause of it. I took a walk in the cold dark night, zig-zagging the streets releasing the words into the autumn air. The release helped me to find a pattern in my thoughts and words but it wasn't until I woke up this morning that I found the root. 

I have vivid dreams. I've always had revealing dreams. I rely on them to guide me to the truth that my conscious mind finds hard to trust. Last night I was greeted with an old wound in my dream. It was so real. I was there. I was processing all the emotions - without restraints - the root of yesterdays numbness and unease. 

The cellular memory of elements/patterns in my life aligned so closely with that old wound I over-imposed the memory with the moment. 

Our bodies are brilliant scientists that can be either lazy or self-protecting depending on how you look at it. My body was feeling/experiencing elements associated with an old reaction so much so it made the assumption that it was the old pattern again. My body started to activate that old cellular memory - but I am not me that first experienced that wound. How can I react the same way to a different situation as a different person? 

Have you felt this before? How do we unlearn old reactions? I think for me the dream was the first step - the process of acknowledging. 

Love to you and your journey of evolving awareness.

.change is in the air.

The eclipse was magical - surreal. The days leading up to last night felt heavy and emotional - blurred around the edges. I had to work last night so I kept taking breaks to run out into the middle of Cambridge street to look at the moon over the brick buildings of Inman Square. It felt like a dream, people at work started sharing in rare authentic ways about lost loves and heartache and dreams. They would find me throughout the night and start unfolding details. I felt like I was observing something from a distance. It wasn't until after work when I rode to a park, a park I'm very connected to. I laid on a hillside and watched the eclipse in the silence and bright golden street lights and then I really felt the weight of the moment. I felt grateful for the moment, I felt anxious for winter, I acknowledge the energies I've been allowing in the past few months, I thought about relationships dynamics in my life, I asked myself real questions. I felt like I was being told/urged to let go - let go of something. I'm not sure of what just yet.

I woke up this morning still feeling my unsettled energies - change is in the air. I don't feel my roots right now. I will, but I need more time to process - explore - feel. I went on a long walk today around Cambridge and got lost the ivy brick walls of Harvard. Life is a beautiful process.

Did you feel it? Are you feeling it? What did the eclipse bring up for you? Are you still processing it? Are you making changes? Did you start to see something new in your reflection??

.where I'm from.

A few weeks ago I went back to Washington, my home state for a few days for a dear friends' wedding after a year and that was only for 2 days so it's really been 2 years since I have spent a good amount of time in Washington. I was excited to see what it felt like to be in Washington. What would the year on the East Coast feel like - would I feel/see the difference in my reflection against the PNW background?

I did. It felt different. It felt quiet. There was a solitude, which felt big and a little lonely to my east coast layers. Then we went for a hike up castle rock and there it was - that feeling - that energy - that belonging. If there's anything that reminds me of where I am from it's those desert hues of the sage foothills. Maybe it's not my home but those are the hills that raised me - the hills that taught me to feel inspirations - the hills that calm me - the hills I use to whisper my secrets to - the hills that fill my soul with the urge to create - those hills are my cleansing ocean wave in the the arid inland terrain.

What gives you that urge? Overflows your soul? Energizes your whole being? Where do you find that? I'd love to hear!!

.connection.

"What is it, then, between us?

What is the count of the scores or hundreds of years between us?

Whatever it is, it avails not—distance avails not, and place avails not.”

- Walt Whitman.