.6 years apart.

I just realized its been 6 years to the day since I returned from Ecuador - the emotions swelled up inside of me and crashed inside like that most incredible wave - taking my breath away (knocking the wind of out me for a moment) - the nostalgia. The joy - the sorrow of 27 months of my life from which it all pivoted - revealed - altered - destroyed - rejuvenated. Ecuador ripped my soul to shreds - broke my heart/spirit/body in ways I didn't know were possible. It left me washed up on the shore with no strength to get up or knowledge of where to go - so I rested for a while - I wondered if I'd ever find the strength to stand up but I did get up - I pulled myself up because I had no other way - option. 

I wandered for a good while - I followed people/signs/flashed of light - aimless until I realize that all that weakness/wounds/sorrow were the greatest gifts - ripping me free from myself - from the narrow world i'd known. Everything was open to me. My broken heart was an expanding heart.  My lost mind was my freedom. This journey is so much more complex - rich - vibrant than I could've even imagined.

Ecuador I am forever grateful
for you
you changed my life
it's been 6 years and I think
i've only began to understand
our journey together.
_________________________________________

From my last blog post in Ecuador, August 5th 2009:

"Ecuador has become home, not easily but it has and that it what has made the end of this time so beautiful, all the struggle that I encountered along the way. I’ve seen so much; I’ve been shocked, surprised, devastated, infuriated, elated making it impossible to tell you how my life is going to change and has changed. But my ambitious wish is that my actions will be the example of the changes. That I won’t even for a moment forget this life, the voices, the smells, the struggle, or the heartache. I hope to always be afflicted by the voices and the faces of those born into injustice. That the small amount of exposure you’ve had from my journey has given you a glimpse of Ecuador, a vibrant country full of wonders and struggle and from which I’ve realized despite how great our differences may seem our few commonalities will always hold us together, as one race.

So to you all I send you my love and gratitude for sharing this journey with me. I give thanks to pachamama and the people that showed me the immense beauty in life's simplicities."

.the fourth.

happy late 4th of july. 

i took this holiday to take time to celebrate the freedoms of my life - reacquainting myself with what has been and what really is - asking the hard questions - consciously investing in what is true - evaluating the choices that i am making - the opportunities present - the new voice i am finding inside - the confidence to say what i want/feel/am - the awareness of self that has seemed to bloom inside of me this year - the ever evolving me.

i had such a summer weekend.

full of sunshine - bike rides with my favorite biking buddy - mid-morning cappuccinos - afternoons filled with public pool swimming/picnics - evening dining on patios - all topped off with a twilight criterium (the sound of cowbells are still ringing in my ears).

this weekend reminded me "that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" a common theme in my life. i have freedom - nothing left to lose. i'm in the transition of letting go of all that i'm "losing" - the truths that once were might not be true - not in a false sense but in the way that life is moving and the scenery around me is changing. 

big changes are coming my way. i'm at a crossroads to lose it all or find the greatest freedom. which is the same thing, it all on perspective. 

how will i choose to look at it? 

there is so much freedom in today. 
it's mind over matter. 
it's taking things slow. 
it's being present. 

are you finding freedom or loss in your life?

.no soy yo.

"...yo, no soy yo, por lo menos no soy el mismo yo interior."

.ernesto "che" guevara.

“I’m not me anymore. At least I’m not the me I was before”  

This beautifully perfect imperfect moment is closing and as I watch it slip from my finger tips to below the horizon the powerful words of che resinate in my mind. I am not myself. How could I be? This moment has washed over me and I let its force affect me, raw and alive. I am not me anymore or at least I'm not the me I was before. The moment was indescribable so I give you these simple words to take and understand as you can and will.

My goodbyes have been said, 38 hours of travel is under my belt, and I am stateside. Riding the ebb and flow of change and constantly reminding myself to stop paddling out to the waves. I have arrived to the sweet embrace of my family and I'm looking forward to having this time with them during my transition. I'm a driven high energy person. I strive for the best and always want to take advantage of the potential. Yet sometimes (most of the time) that force can barrel me from the NOW to imagining the NEXT. Transitioning from heavy full moments before I have sprinted to the next moment and along the way lost so many beautiful nuances of the changing times. This time I'm hoping to remember to breathe and savour every morsel.

Every one of you reading this now have guided me through this journey with love, encouragement, and energy. 
I'm beyond grateful.

My heart is so full to think of seeing all my loves face to face, but I'm going to take this space to energize, process, and hold my family tight. I want to see you, I can't wait to see you, but it might be a little bit.


celebrating the NOW.
much love to you all always.
a
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"Do not worry about how you will make it all work. Just focus on how you feel and go towards those things that bring forth joy. When you are living in your joy, the Universe is living joyfully through you. When you are living a life of fear, the Universe is dying and becoming smaller. Remember you are a child of the Universe and everything the Universe provides is abundant. The sun shines rays of joy, the bird sings a song of joy, the tree joyfully grows to provide shade and keep the air clean. Everything has a purpose and when we are living in our joyful purpose we will be supported because the Universe loves joy. It takes a little bit of time to go from fear to joy, but if you stay steady and keep the course you will at last come to see that your joy can be your reality. Trust in promise of joy, it is your birthright."
.Jackson Kiddard.