17 March 2015

.practicing vulnerability.

I had one of those classic me moments last week
one of those moments that make me feel uncomfortable - exposed - embarrassed - vulnerable
one of those moments that make me want to pack up from here and...

...dive into a new project
...hold onto or aspire towards a role or title
...forget myself

one of those moments that retell that old story of "you knew it wasn't safe to share yourself - keep those walls up! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

but this time I listen to that old story and then I let it go
I didn't hold onto it
I just sat down right there with all those feelings!!
this time I acknowledged those feelings
this time I decided I was going to stay.

It is so hard for me to be vulnerable
I have been so conditioned NOT to be vulnerable
I am trying to practice vulnerability
I am trying to learn how to be more vulnerable

When I put down those walls (my guard) for a moment if it's not reciprocated, and there are going to be so many times I show my vulnerability that it will not be met with vulnerability because we have been taught that is our weakness.

I was listening to a great podcast, on being with Brene Brown where she said “we desperately want to connect with each other and with that vulnerability is the VERY first thing we look for in the other person and the VERY last thing we want to show of ourselves” so much truth in those words.

And it’s that moment that I am not met in vulnerability I start replay that tired old story all over again...but I am writing a new story - the real story.

Which is that it in those very small sweet tender moments I share my truest of self.
It is in those small moments that I am fiercely courageous.
It is in those small moments that I am growing and learning about my authentic self the most.
It is in those small moments that I am giving myself the greatest gift - to be open/connect/love and accept/receive/be love.

It doesn't mean that being vulnerable even for a second doesn't still make me scared/embarrassed/anxious but I am finding courage in the new story.

I hope you are finding a new story. new courage. new connections.

No comments: