15 September 2018

.control :: comfort.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “home” what it means, what it represents, what it fulfills within us. Home can be a place of deep belonging, ownership, comfort, ritual, knowledge...a place to grow deeper in the way of a long slow practice.

I’ve been frustrated in my new city. It feels hard here. It feels like door are closed and I kept knocking and knocking and I’m tired of knocking. I start feeling frustrated with this place. I start questioning being here because if I’m meant to be here would things open up...wouldn’t opportunity find me? I started to feel like this must be a sign I need to pay attention to! 

This isn’t a new feeling for me. I feel this at some point everywhere I go and live. So on top of feeling like everything is hard here I started to react to the fact that I’m right here again. In the cycle I am trying to change. I came here to change it and it found me, again. 

A few days ago when I was feeling super frustrated I drove out to my favorite place, the arboretum. It’s a magical lush land right on the Blue Ridge Parkway. I walked along my favorites trails and began recognizing my frustration during this time coming out in forms of trying to control my environment. I started to gain awareness that my frustration is really discomfort of the unknown. The ambiguity and instability that surrounds all aspects of me right now makes me yearn for control. So I began to think about home and this desire to have a home to be home. Whatever that means.... I started to wonder if this idea of home is really an interconnected relationship between comfort and control?

Why do we find comfort in home?
Is the comfort found in the control of knowing? 
What is home? 
How do we define home? 
A specific place? 
A landscape? 
A person? 
A feeling?

I mentioned meeting Barbara the Buddhist on a flight a few months ago and when we were talking about “home” we were referring to the West in that conversation. As we were beginning to land she said "when I look out at Asheville it isn’t home but when I see my Husband then I’ll be home". So she’s referring to a “home” landscape and a person. 

How do you define home?

I’m just starting to peel away the layers of this expansive thought. I see the deep potential to learn here, in this place of unknown landscapes and culture. Amongst all this frustration I’m able to see this as an opportunity for deep practice in self-awareness and understanding my tendencies. Im grateful. 

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