A few weeks ago I went to a Quoya dance class, in the class there are opportunities to share any thoughts or feelings with someone next to you after particular dance sequences. When it was time share I was next to a tired mom of two boys, she started crying to me about feeling disconnected from her body. Since she had her first son she’d felt she lost herself and didn't really know who she was because of this disconnect. I felt so honored that she shared with me something so raw and in the same moment I feel this alignment inside of myself - like she was a reminder of my journey and the reason I am here (preparing for a massage program). I want to work with women to connect/reconnect with themselves to have embodied awareness.
On summer solstice I had to opportunity to go to a very special women’s circle honoring the season of the Queen. It was a ritual-based workshop that offered opportunities for all the women to claim their place as a Queen. It felt weird and silly at first and then as I left go of my judgement I realized the power of ritual and sharing intentional space with women. It also reminded me of my journey - in actively honoring myself and the women whom which I have relationships.
I was reminded recently of the author Sue Monk Kidd. I forgot how much I appreciate and connect with her work. I remember reading “Traveling with Pomegranates” years ago, it's a Mother/Daughter memoir of travels to the Mediterranean and interweaves the story of transitioning to in life/relationship with greek mythology and travel. She talks about reconnecting with herself - evolving into a new version of herself, the rite of passage she is journeying as a women/mother and her relationship with the imagine of the virgin/goddess. Her talking about the virgin (goddess) made me think of a trip I took with my Dad about 7 years ago to the Southwest. I had dreamt of the Southwest for years. Finally arriving to New Mexico it felt just as magical as I imagined. The town plaza of Las Cruces, the dried chilies, arid landscapes and Guadalupe + Virgin Mary everywhere. I remember walking up to the church in the plaza and feeling overwhelmed by the presence of the stark white Virgin Mary, not in a religious way but in a sacred feminine way. The power of feminine was slowly slowly awakening inside of me. I had returned from the Peace Corps, attended Doula training and was visiting a Midwifery program in Texas. It was an important time in which I was connecting to my feminine, claiming it, exploring it and there she was illuminated with a ring of pink roses at her feet and the brilliant blue sky of the desert. I’m so grateful I still have a picture of her and some others sightings on the trip.
There’s also a lot of growing pains happening in my life right now, situations that are stretching me and challenging me to really look in the mirror at myself. In one of these situations a deep anger came up inside of me - it came quickly. I couldn’t anticipate it until it just released itself. This deep anger comes from my reaction to the choices of others - not allowing myself to speak my truth or trust myself enough to make an embodied choice.
I went to yoga this morning and realized that with all the moving parts in my life: the frustration, the anger, the fear, the disappointments most of it is just projection to avoid looking in the mirror. If I allow myself to slow down, let go of some of my expectations (that can just be me using perfection to hide from vulnerability) and dedicate time and energy to accept and love myself more, then everything else are just passing teachers. These teachers might bring discomfort with their teachings but not deep anger. The crying mother, the ritual of the Queen and the reminder of the Goddess are all parts of me. They are all reminders of this journey to accept myself.
The forever journey.
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