I've been reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo everyday (so good!!) and something from yesterday's entry really spoke to me, it said "only rarely have I let go completely, yet those moment of total surrender have throughly changed my life." "When lonely and afraid to reach out, I have somehow collapsed repeatedly into the ocean of another's love, and it cleansed my weary heart." I found those words to hold such a beautiful vulnerability, to "collapse repeatedly into the ocean of another's love" I thought about how rare it is for me let go enough to collapse into another's love.
I started thinking about why I keep it all in.
I started thinking about all the things I've learned - absorbed!
The quietness that I have claimed - the weakness - the obedience - the fear.
I realized that in order to collapse into the ocean of another's love I have to choose myself! I have to start saying I know what is best - that I know what I need - that I deserve all the goodness that is before me. TO CHOOSE myself! TO RESIDE inside myself with a deep rootedness. TO STOP choosing fear.
I went to Walden Pond yesterday and swan and read and sunbathed and then walked around the pond. I've been going on walks lately trying to pay attention more - observe/absorb. Every time I find so much beauty in the decaying tress - the gaping bark - the hollow trunks - to see the cycle of life/death/regeneration/repurpose - the flow of life in such a tangible way.