last night i cried. a hard cry. i haven't cried for a while (or at least since I hugged my sister goodbye on the crib in front of the airport in my pajamas). my emotions have been sitting heavy on me these past days. i cried to let it all out. i cried even past the point of thinking i shouldn't be crying anymore.
birthing the acknowledgement of loss (of things of which I have been in denial for a while).
the frustration (that things are/and will continue to constantly change and in ways i don't understand or like).
the confusion (of making a big decision and realizing that it isn't all i thought it would be).
the complexity (of life that nothing is yes or no but more a hope and a gamble).
the loneliness (of forging ahead without my pillars and trying not to look back).
and i woke up this morning calm.
strong in myself.
confident in my abilities.
despite all those heavy emotions still very much alive and thriving inside of me.
but i realized that in these transitions, births, moments of facing the now - there is great beauty in my ability to shine. that moments of weariness will become my moments of strength.
i don't need the answer right now.
i don't need to figure it out.
i don't need to smile it away.