.Mother's Day.

Motherhood is the most beautiful journey I never expected.

There was a time in my life where I worked in maternal heath for many years - in a community health clinic, a ranchito in Michoacán, Mexico, with midwives in Ecuador and Malawi, and a busy birth center on the border. I have such a deep reverence and awe for birth and motherhood and women. To witness women in both their most vulnerable with the most unbelievable strength. I felt I knew motherhood but nothing prepared me for what this journey would feel like in first person. 

It’s only been a short four months but I’m changed. I’m changing every day. Expanding past the edges of my former existence. My ability to feel and love is exponential and my world has shrunk to him -

his smile, 

his slow breaths while we sleep next to each other, 

his hunger, 
his little chuckles when we play games, 
his amazement when we walk under trees, 
his curiosity with a new toy, 
his pride when he rolls over and his frustration when he can’t roll back. 

In these early days, we are each other’s entire world. 

It’s so profoundly beautiful and so demanding. I’m tired but mostly just so grateful to be his. To be his guide and a student to all the things this little being will teach me.

Motherhood is the most intense and expansive experience of my life. I try to find the 
words but it I think it can only truly be felt.

Happy Mother’s Day!

.three months.

3 months today. I can't believe it. It's hard to synthesize how much you've grown in these short months. You're strong, determined, loving, warm, curious, kind, patient, smart, and endearing. I can't believe I've only known you for so short a time. It feels like I've known you forever and yet still so much to learn about you. 

I remember the moment you were born and the midwife passed you to me through my legs, face down. I turned you over and saw your face. My first thought was "of course, it's you" a dear soul reunited. 

The entire pregnancy I felt like I was in the dark, trying to imagine what it might be like to meet you, who you might be, and then finally, when our eyes locked my entire body lit up - like a stadium illuminating. The shock from the vast space instantly illuminated, overwhelmed by the depth of this new sensation, this new experience, the buzzing of the lights. I just froze in awe. The awe just continues in ebbs and flows between the tethering to reality - the sleep desperation and the over analytical moments to try to understand it all - but you can't, and sure enough the experience of motherhood - of connecting with you pulls me back to look at the vastness of this transformation in awe. I've cried so many times in the humble awe of this gift.

To think about these past three months it feels like a fuzzy dream. Like when you wake up for a deep sleep and you just had this elaborate dream, the feelings are still there and you remember a few things but otherwise it's just on the tip of your tongue but you can't quiet verbalize it. I remember moments. The moments of overwhelm, fear, joy, painful healing, weariness, sweet slow days, the night walks, the afternoon swings, the small joys, the first time you smiled, started talking, fall asleep on me after a long day, a restful night, a slow morning, so many moments of the deepest sweetness.

You're not a newborn anymore, now an infant. We're on to the next chapter and I'm still in awe with you as my guide, my best teammate and teacher. I'm so glad you chose me to experience life together.

Today we came out into the garden to prepare the soil. So many summer adventures ahead of us.

.newborn days.

These sweet fast tiring days.

The days are lengthening and Amado is growing into himself everyday yet we are still so physically connected. We're more settled, there's a rhythm emerging, sometimes. The days are warming up. The nighttime walks have transitioned into daytime swings out back, his fave way to fall asleep. the end of the newborn window is coming to an end. I'm in disbelief to say bye to this blur. I'm so excited to see him wake up to the world and also holding on so tight to these fleeting moments. 

A friend asked "how's motherhood?" and I said I'll get back to you. My days have been so full of feeds, rocking, walking, bouncing, changing, bathing, googling, texting the midwife, feeding, trying to sleep with a baby on me, engaging, tummy time, story time, bath time, bedtime...it's so full, so unknown, so overwhelmingly beautiful. Sometimes I look at him asleep before I close my eyes and cry a few tears at his beauty, for the gift of being chosen, for his sweetness, for a life with Amado.

how's motherhood?

It's the most beautiful, profound, heart exploding experience of my life and I've had no time to process any of it but its the only thing that matters and everything before I saw his face feels like a dream or a past life. I only exist in this very moment. Someday all these beautiful parts/layers will come together - regroup - reemerge - but until then I'm right here holding you while you sleep, my greatest joy!

.welcome to the world, amado.

Welcome to the world, Amado! A little guy who takes his time, isn’t rushed (unless it’s meal time). Estimated to make his debut somewhere between New Year’s Eve and January 3rd on the Super Full Moon but he wasn’t ready yet. He gave us a week of soft relaxing days leading up to his arrival, already balancing out my fast Aries ways with his steady Capricorn approach.

Then on January 5th he began to warm up for his arrival. Things progressed so quickly that I thought maybe he would arrive that night but when the midwives arrived everything slowed down and he decided not just yet. By 3 am the midwives said it was best to try to get some sleep and wait. He had his own timeline. Dialated to 5 cm, I tried to sleep through the contractions, exhausted and wondering if he would come soon or if it would still be a few days. When mornkng came I thought it was just going to be another low key day until around 1 pm things started to feel different and by 3pm contractions were close and strong. The midwife returned about 4pm, finding me in the dark bathroom bouncing on a birth ball. She agreed that he was ready to move things forward.

From here it would be a long journey that became more blurry and nonlinear and the night approached and a new day came. Each stage of labor seeeming to be without a reference of time. I dove into the darkness of birth, being pulled to another place without time or defined edges. I could still absorb my surroundings but they were like far off voices. I wore my eye mask for the birth, using it to block out all the sensory around me to stay deep within. I didn’t want to tempt my conscious mind. Just stay in the present moment.

It felt like ocean waves going deep within and then lightly pulled out to hear a voice offering food, a drink, a light suggestions. 

In and out in and out
Somehow finding moments of reprieve
Water broke
Ginger honey seltzer
Stay curious
Head at knuckles length
I am birthing the entire world
Fully dialated
Time to push
Lick of honey and salt from Jose
New spot
Another new spot
Holding hands
Pushing
Primal desires
Internal convulsions to open
Opening the way to Amado
Out of tub
Holding onto Mary Jo
Head born
Shoulders
Baby
In my arms
Turned over to see
To see his face
To know him
After so long
His bright eyes
Held in my arms
Mi amorcito
Unreal
That he’s real
This being growing inside of me is here
On the other side
24 hrs later
So much work together
The strongest team work never to be forgotten
It’s real after feeling so unreal for 40 weeks
Laid in bed just holding his sweet little body
8 lbs 13 oz
22 inches long
14.5” head circumference
A big healthy boy

Just the beginning

.the waiting place.

I find myself in the waiting place. It's a place we continue to find ourselves in life if we are present. We all experience the waiting place over and over again in small and big ways but there are so many distractions to provide an illusion that we can bypass the waiting place but with all seasons there is pause and transition.

This waiting place feels big and expansive, more unknown that I've ventured before. 

40 weeks +1 after a late night of rolling contractions, for awhile I thought today would be the day with the baby earthside, but around 3am things started to slow and dissipate to a silent pause, waiting again. So today, I'm gifted another day of slowness of waiting. 

How do we inhabit and hold this space - this gift and challenge? To exist in the unknown is such a real way. 

Like the waiting place, we are always in the unknown but the crossing from here to there - women to mother feels like the biggest leap. It's not really a leap though. As this deep expansive birth calls me in it's starting to feel more like a deep journey down into the darkness - into the silence - into the stretching of what my body feels like, the softness of my mind, the disillusion of time. The slow warm up between this being and I, to connect and start this big work together to leave his first home and come greet this world. To the next phase of learning how to live out here with us in this wild place, but for now - big pause. I've already left the waiting place. 

For right now, the waiting place is holding me. I can allow it to cradle me to be soft and sink deep in or I can resist. I'm trying to just be held by it. To enjoy and remember that life is all exerpeince, there is no real qualifications to put on it - good or bad - right or wrong - just being here in this moment. To be open to observe. To allow myself to be grateful to experience this place. It goes against so much to be open to it. It demands I unwind myself from my linear brain and desire to connect and compare. 

I don't know how long I'll be in this waiting place. I'm just here. I'm already learning though, I'm grateful for that. If I'm allowed more time I know my learning will deepen. Yesterday the big learning was to just enjoy it. To think of a yummy dinner and to watch a movie and to let myself release the day. 

My son was born January 7th. I wrote this 3 days before he was born.