27 June 2012

.just jump.

I live on top of a hill. It’s a decent sized hill that looks over the flat TA of Chingali. This morning I awoke at 5:30am, as I usually do and collected my camping French press (probably the best thing I packed!) and a half cup of oats. Walking out to the cookhouse I was greeted by thick opaque clouds nestled up so tight to the hillside it looked like there was nothing else, just floating above the unknown. I went to the cookhouse to build a fire and cook breakfast and when I was coming back around the house the clouds had begun to drift up the hill, light and dispersing, grabbing the house and wrapping us up in their protection.

Such beautiful mornings in Machinga, maybe if I start missing you now I won’t feel your loss so deep when you’re far from me.
I feel it ALL right now. High/Low - Good/Bad - Fast/Slow - Lost/Found it surrounds me and seems to be squeezing in on me. Maybe it’s time, maybe it’s the place, maybe it’s just part of this process, or maybe it’s just fear of transition.

My “project” is complete and people are starting to ask when I’m leaving…lasts are coming.

I have a process when it comes to transitioning. This uneasy/excited/anxious feeling sets in and I can tell something is coming…when the transition reveals itself this energy flows over me, days seem to short and nothing seems like too much to conquer. Then the reality (fear) of change slowly sneaks in. As the sun rises I realize that I’ve already reached the river side. That this wasn’t a good idea, it’s not “time”. I’d rather dangle my toes in the water (“I don’t’ want to rush it”) to adjust before submerging in the water. But anyone who has spent a summer on a lake, river, ocean, pond…knows the invigorating power surge that comes from just jumping.

It’s almost time for me to jump to what’s next. Whatever that will be: school, farming, art, the unknown. I can see the river side and I’m holding back…

“The fear that drives us away from ourselves is rooted in our spiritual ignorance – we do not know who we really are. If we did, we would realize that there is nothing to fear. We would know that we are everything we have always hoped we would be but never believed we could be. It is this never believing that is the problem, for with it comes an endless array of compensations. And with each action that stems for this misinformation, we are ensnared more deeply in our illusions. The good news is we are who we are." 
(Meditations from the Mat)

I hope you appreciate the process and then JUST JUMP
Life is for the living.

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