.to be more like the river.

 

how can I be more like the river

let it go

to sit in the river and feel it pushing past me

i can't help but to be changed 

for the molecules of my skin to tingle with the fresh water 

with the pullin of the stream 

I lower myself amongst the big rounded river rocks, let me legs float 

like buoys to the top of the water

in the corner of the river where the fallen trees have slowed the motion

I look out at the beauty to feel so small amongst the pines

.full moon in capricorn.

I had a visit from an old lesson yesterday - I was mad and frustrated to meet again. To realize I have to try again - try harder - try differently. I have to learn my patterns. To realize that I (have and still) am going to travel this road over and over again until it teaches me all I need to digest it - to release it. 

Yesterday I realized the pattern (lesson) and saw how holding onto the guilt of expectation - of not voicing my needs breaks down my flow and disconnects myself from reality. I was so annoyed at myself for being in this situation, being able to see in the moment the clear (disconnected) steps I took to reach this very place. Then I remembered what a friend who does body work recently told me, we have to feel it to heal it. Yes! 

Last night was the full moon in capricorn bring up these under unresolved issues. Mystic mamma said "the Full Moon’s promise is that if you can fess up to reality and see what hides in the darkness, you’ll have a better chance of conjuring up a strategy to overcome it." 

We have to go thru - not around to get where we are going. We feel it. 
That moment of stagnant energy. 
That moment of guilt. 
That moment of not being true to ourselves - only lead us where we need to go. 

To see these moments as the beautiful (uncomfortable) truths that we are alive and learning (unlearning) ourselves over and over again. Be kind to yourself.

.words to live by.

"Most things break instead of transform because they resist. The quiet miracle of love is that without our interference, it, like water, accepts whatever is tossed or dropped or placed into it, embracing it completely.”

“Of course, we are human and are easily hurt if not loved back or if loved poorly. But we waste so much of life’s energy deliberating who and what shall be worthy of our love when in the deepest elemental sense, these choices are not in our province, anymore than rain can choose what it shall fall upon.”

“Certainly we need to make decisions: Who will I spend my time with? Who will I learn from? Who will I live with? Who will I marry? 

“But beneath all that, the element of love doesn’t stop being elemental. It does not stop covering everything before it. And over a lifetime, the pain of withholding this great and quiet force is more damaging than the pain of being rejected or loved poorly.”

“For love, like water can be dammed, but toward what end?”

“In truth, the more we let love flow through, the more we have to love. This is the inner glow that sages and saints of all ages seem to share: the wash of their love over everything before them; not just people, but birds and rocks and flowers and air.”

“Beneath the many choices we have to make, love, like water, flows back into the world through us. It is the one great secret available to all. 

“Yet somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around. As water soaks scars, love soothes our wounds.”

“If opened up to, love will accept the angrily thrown stone, and our small tears will lose some of their burn in the great ocean of tears, and the arrow released to the bottom of the river will lose its point.”

~Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have

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Yesterday I resisted so many things that came my way - I made a decision to resist a situation in the morning and that seemed to setup the rest of my day to follow this pattern. I got irritated - made mistakes - didn't listen - disconnected. I was so drained from the day but decided to go to my Wednesday dance class, it always helps move energy. The class gave me the ability to get back into a state of flow - I can't resist in flow. At some point in towards the middle of the class I looked up at the high ceilings and saw the most magical big shadows dancing on the walls. It was such a beautiful reminder that I can change my perspective - my experience - my energy in any moment. I had read this words about love/flow in the morning but I couldn't understand them and then I read them again when I got home last night and found such beauty in them. Let love flow, always.